Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 09:47     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:I've been pretty sure since I was in my teenage years that I didn't want children. I went through some years where I was open to it, if I were with a longterm partner who was really into it. But I married someone who wasn't interested in having children. We're 45 now. I could see us maybe fostering at some point, but if we don't that's ok too.

When I see the lengths people go to to have bio kids - the years of trying, IVF, the cost and emotional toll. It must be something you want *so badly* to go through all that.

What does that feel like, to want kids that badly? Is it like a physical urge? Is it something that takes over your whole mind, where it's hard to think about anything else?

I hope this isn't a trivial comparison, but it's as good as I've got: The closest I have to that is that I work in a creative field where every stage of success is very difficult to achieve. I have minor success in that field now - back when I was at the bottom rung, it felt like that was the only thing I cared about, was getting somewhere in that field. I wanted it so badly it hurt. (And now I am waiting to see if I will be moving up another rung - and I find myself in a constant state of stress and anxiety, waiting to hear if it'll be happening.)

Anyway, I know some people think that people without kids hate kids or don't care about the struggle to have them and the joys of raising them. I don't hate kids and I do care. I just don't relate. But I'd like to understand, if you want to share!


I didn't have to go thru any of those hoops, so maybe you aren't looking for my response but here goes:
I never had any burning desire. I was interested but not pressed. Then my son was born and my world changed. Had I known what was waiting for me, I think I would have pushed marriage sooner. I can honestly say that fatherhood changed my life and has been the dominant force in my life since the day my first child was born.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 08:39     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
I've been at both ends of the spectrum about this. Got married young-ish at 25. DH really wanted kids and I was very ambivalent. I wanted to enjoy my 20s and did not feel ready for motherhood at all. He agreed to wait until we were 30 so that we could both finish grad school. At 30 he was really ready and I was still very ambivalent. I liked our lifestyle and couldn't imagine myself as a Mom. I also didn't have a strong desire towards motherhood. I didn't know anything about motherhood because I myself am an only child, never grew up with cousins, didn't have any friends with kids, etc. He, on the other hand, could not imagine his life without a child/children.

He insisted that we start trying and we had many tearful conversations about it because I was so ambivalent, but leaning toward being childfree. I still kept putting it off until I was 33. Then I finally agreed to start TTC. Low and behold we got pregnant on the first try and I was terrified. Scared out of my mind because I thought I'd have a few months to get used to the idea of being pregnant. My pregnancy was anxiety-filled because I was anxious about motherhood.

My pregnancy was super easy though and I had an easy, natural delivery and happy and healthy baby.

It turned out that I loved being a mom and this time we were both eager to have a second. This time I had an intense longing to have another child and expand our family because I knew how wonderful motherhood was. We started TTC #2 when I was 35 and my son was 1 year old. Sadly I was soon to learn that my fertility had gone out the window by that time and I had severe decreased ovarian reserve. I was in the infertility clinic at 35 and they gave me less than a 10% chance of ever being pregnant again. In fact a few REs said I probably had severe infertility problems all along but just got lucky by getting pregnant on the first try.

We have now been TTC #2 for 5 years and zero pregnancies. Now that I'm 40 I feel that it is really hopeless now. I feel so sad that I waited so long because maybe if I had started earlier I'd be able to have two kids by now.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 03:54     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Op, I did not have a urge to have kids. I was not/am not afraid of being old & lonely. I did not/do not feel my heart hurt after I hold a baby. I felt my life was complete, totally, before kids.
And, I am a mom. I still can’t relate to the moms who ‘had’ to become parents. However, there are aspects of my parenting style that I think are better (for me) because parenting was a rational choice & not some hormone filled destiny.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 20:53     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
For me it was the push of not wanting to be old, childless and lonely and the pull of wanting to re-create my happy childhood. It just felt like there was more to life than what I had without kids. Not that you can’t be fulfilled and childless I just knew that I wouldn’t be.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 20:15     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting topic. I never had the urge to procreate, but at age 34 just jumped in and had one hoping it would be cooler than it sounded in my head. I didn't even decide it was a good decision until my son was around 3 (while my friends were in love from the get-go). And as much as I love my son now, the urge never hit to have another.

I was also talking to a few moms of all boys recently about how sad they were when they found out their third was a boy. They all expressed similar feelings of devastation (mixed with guilt). I was trying to understand what it was about having a girl—nobody could really pinpoint or explain it. I wonder if wanting a certain gender is a similar urge to wanting a kid in the first place.

I also wonder why some of don't have this baby gene—if the goal of a species is to reproduce, then we should all have it.



My DW is pregnant with our first and we just found out it is a boy. DW is pretty disappointed, as am I (but to a much lesser extent). We wanted a girl.

I believe her exact words get to the crux of the issue: "I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with a boy. I'm girlie."

Boy kids are super cute and sweet and love their moms, she will be happy.

I think that there is a feeling of ambiguity and unfamiliarity when it comes to having a boy, especially if it is the first child. DW - in the same conversation - asked if we could try for a 2nd, lol. DW's family is dominated by women, so that's what she's comfortable with.

Of course, we are also incredibly fortunate to be pregnant with a healthy boy and have the resources to raise him. I refuse to lose sight of those facts.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 20:11     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:So many selfish, pathetic women on this thread. As somebody's kid, it's nice to know that I'm only here to fill some void in my mother's life because she couldn't find anything meaningful to do. Maybe that's why the rest of life seems "trivial" to you... You never actually tried.


She despises you daily.

In all seriousness, people without kids don’t know. I certainly didn’t. I could have gone on having a great life. I’m fact, we said of it didn’t happen naturally we would not adopt or do fertility treatments. It happened and yes, I can imagine my life without my two kids, but now I know how much I would have missed and I am thankful I took the leap. I love them to pieces and watching my parents love for them and their close bond with my kids made my heart grow another 20 sizes.

My cousin married a woman late 30s that was adamant about not wanting kids. She’s 45 and still adamant. She is one of my absolute favorite people. She loves her life. She loves my kids. She has helped throw their bday parties, etc and I didn’t have to ask. She loves them now as teens. I get it. My brother not only didn’t want kids. He also never wanted to get married. He’s 51 and loves his life. He’s had many different girlfriends and now lives with one bit they have no plans for marriage.

Here’s the thing. My family never asked why after 7 years of marriage we didn’t have kids. They were adamant about no pressure. So when we told them I was pregnant at 34, everyone was shocked. It was kind of funny. They assumed we had fertility issues or were never going to have them.

I’m not for people grabbing a partner to marry just because of a biological clock and popping out a kid 9 months after the wedding. I’ve seen the misery that comes with that.

Do what you want to do. Freeze your eggs, don’t have kids, get pets, have 25 kids. It’s your life. Nothing good ever came out of doing something out of obligation or societal pressure.

Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 20:10     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP - it was a feeling that something was incomplete, not right, and picturing my future without kids seemed bleak and wrong. Now that I’ve had two kids, the urge is gone and it’s hard to remember exactly what it felt like... which is how I know we are totally done. But it was super strong at the time.


Agree. It's a physical urge. I felt it at around age 28.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 19:55     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Emotionally I wanted something cute and squishy that was mine. Mentally I was curious about what an offspring of mine and DH’s would turn out like. Physically I wanted to know what it felt like to grow life inside my body.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 19:18     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
I'm only 25 but ever since I was a little kid I knew I wanted to be a mom someday. I love kids and I absolutely have loved watching my younger siblings and cousins grow up. Its been so cool to see them grow into people of their own with all of their own interests, thoughts, and opinions. I can't wait until I have my own kids to help them figure out who they are and be the best they can be.

That said, I'm in med school (4th year, going into pediatrics of course haha) but I'm also TERRIFIED to have kids because there are so many things that can go wrong. So I definitely still want them but now I'm also really scared of it!!
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 18:28     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both had a strong physical urge to procreate, as in "get that sperm in me RIGHT NOW." We felt this right from the beginning and got married/pregnant less than a year after we first met. Even after three kids and being in my late 40s, I still have the urge to make a baby.


I understand this. I can't tell if it is because DH and I are very primal sexually, and as humans the idea of "fertility" is a turn on, but both of us are very attracted to reproducing. We don't want kids right now, but something about the two of us using our bodies and our love for each other to create something new is just such a turn on.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 17:38     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
My husband and I both had a strong physical urge to procreate, as in "get that sperm in me RIGHT NOW." We felt this right from the beginning and got married/pregnant less than a year after we first met. Even after three kids and being in my late 40s, I still have the urge to make a baby.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 16:17     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
So many selfish, pathetic women on this thread. As somebody's kid, it's nice to know that I'm only here to fill some void in my mother's life because she couldn't find anything meaningful to do. Maybe that's why the rest of life seems "trivial" to you... You never actually tried.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 16:04     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Hell. It feels like hell with a legacy.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 16:03     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
I had what I would call a burning desire to have kids. I would have been devastated if I couldn't have them and would have been one of those people moving heaven and earth to make it happen.

Definitely had a case of the baby rabies.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2019 15:48     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
I once lived in an apartment where across the street lived a young couple with a baby who would cry for lengths of time. It always made me want to crawl out the window to go pick it up and comfort it. It hurt so much to have to sit and listen to it, I wanted to hold that baby so much, it was primal, instinctual.

That's what it's like.