Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had known how hard it was going to be and how much of my life would have been affected, I may have made a different choice. Once they are here, there is no going back.

I am grateful that my mother was pretty clear with me on this. Yes, it was also hard knowing she regretted having kids, but it saved me from making the same mistake. Her words were basically 'think long and hard before you do it, because there's no way out for the rest of your life'. I am a content DINK with a fun, meaningful life, and I get to be honorary aunt to my friends' children.

Anonymous wrote:No. The toddler years were hard, but at 12, DH is good to go. He wants, food, money, bed, shower, internet, school. Easy.

Anonymous wrote:I never regret it, but nobody warns you about the teenage years. They can be awful. I have one of each. DD is off the grid bad and DS is the opposite.

Anonymous wrote:If you regret having children, then you are a miserable, self-centered excuse for a human being, and very obviously a crappy parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

I'm just being honest. It's a pretty dramatic situation.

So opt out, PP. You're choosing to do this dance with her.

Dance? What dance?

She baits you and you respond by "constantly striving" for her acceptance and approval though you know you'll never get it. Unless you enjoy the drama of this dramatic situation, why do you put up with it?

I don't know. My daughter loves her, so I don't want to cut her out of my life. I tried severely limiting contact right after she berated my then-fiancé (now husband) for 2 hours the first time she met him, but that led to her calling me constantly to tell me how awful I was being. She finally came down to DC and basically forced me to meet with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

Oh, come on! My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive. It's because kids are super emotionally draining. Full stop. It hits some parents harder than others (News flash: people are different!). You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it? I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.

Um no. Reading comprehension is your friend. PP's mother was honest with her about kids being emotionally draining. You just admitted yours are too. Does that mean you don't love your kids even if at times you might wish you didn't have them at that moment? Because if so then you are just as bad as PP's mother. BUT I suspect that's not really what you meant when you said that and neither did PP's mom. However, PP is carrying on about being traumatized by this statement which is an extreme reaction to a very honest, self-aware feeling that her mother had, and apparently one that many others, such as yourself, also share.

PP is also being self-aware and honest and expressing her honest feeling about being told raising her was difficult, and you are not giving her the same level of understanding that you do her mother for expressing her feelings of trauma at being a mother. Many people share PP's feelings of trauma at being told by their parents they were not wanted, or were difficult, or that their parents would have made a different choice if they could do it over again. Yet that doesn't seem to be good enough for you to acknowledge her feelings as legitimate, even while you allow that her mother's feelings are legitimate in part because others share them.

Pot meet kettle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

Oh, come on! My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive. It's because kids are super emotionally draining. Full stop. It hits some parents harder than others (News flash: people are different!). You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it? I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.

Um no. Reading comprehension is your friend. PP's mother was honest with her about kids being emotionally draining. You just admitted yours are too. Does that mean you don't love your kids even if at times you might wish you didn't have them at that moment? Because if so then you are just as bad as PP's mother. BUT I suspect that's not really what you meant when you said that and neither did PP's mom. However, PP is carrying on about being traumatized by this statement which is an extreme reaction to a very honest, self-aware feeling that her mother had, and apparently one that many others, such as yourself, also share.

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will raise my hand, and hang my head in shame.

I suspect most people here either have kids who have launched, and thus have some more distance, or, as some previous poster, have very young kids.

I have a tween and a teen, and if you had asked me even two years ago, I would have said that my kids are amazing, that I love them more than my own life, and that I couldn't imagine my life without them. The first two of those statements still hold true, but over the past year I have been longingly daydreaming about the day when they are finally out of the house.

They both have some mild special needs, and the hormones are not helping, but they are both difficult, rude, argumentative, stubborn and dare I say lazy. We have spent countless hours and $ on various therapies for both, we put every support imaginable in place to help them, we spent a lot of time exposing them to every possible beneficial EC but let them chose their own path and interests in which we have been unfailingly supportive. Yet, they barely get by academically, are selfish and inconsiderate of the effort that it takes to keep our household running and meeting their every need, and take little to no responsibility for their own failings - everything is always someone else's fault.

I am sure that we as parents are partially to blame for this, but I am not sure what else we could have done. I have read many parenting books, taken classes, I am in therapy myself for the anxiety that keeps mounting because I worry so much about my children. We support them academically, help with homework, remind about projects, instrument practice, take them to playdates, drive them to and from their chosen sports, make sure they have enough downtime, spend enough time outdoors, provide healthy meals, travel to both fun and educational places, and yet, none of it seems to make any difference.

I fervently hope that this is just a stage, and that my smart, funny, sunny kids will eventually return to us, but right now I am dejected and almost dreading walking through the door each afternoon, only to be faced with a new drama, or some other way that I have allegedly failed them. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. So maybe you just caught me at a bad time, but if you are asking me today whether I regret having children, the answer is "yes, absolutely".

There, flame away.