Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's normally the sort of thing you figure out in the dating stage. I don't think you can change him into a caring human being on your own.

+1. Did you really not know this before you married him? People generally don’t just change.

There it is! The wonderful but totally useless time machine response. "Ooooooh, but didn't you know all this before marrying him??? Clearly your fault for marrying such a loser."

STFU.

For women who want to have their families it's a finite timeline. It's slim pickens, whereby you trade one problem for another. Just look at your friends and acquaintances. One friend has a spendthrift husband who always gets them into financial trouble. My sister's husband was a financial control freak where she wasn't allowed to spend any money though she made more. Another guy cheats on his wife. Yet another won't do squat around the house, or help with the kids. I know one couple who actually have a good marriage. Pick your poison, but many if not most are not as committed as women or loyal. Just the way it is.

Maybe OP didn't get hurt enough before the marriage to see his indifference. Or didn't see how severe his lack of empathy was. BTW we are raising a generation of those, only getting worse imo.

Most men are not as "committed and loyal" as women.

75% of all divorces are initiated by women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My head was inside the chest because I was looking for a toy at the bottom, but the issue is his indifference, which is very wearing. He's just one of those people who never thinks of others. He prepares food and drinks for himself without ever offering to do so for me or the kids, spends lavishly on himself while I save and ignores special occasions. I can't even get him to maintain the cars. I guess I can only blame myself for having a family with this jerk.

+1

OP, at least you see the problem. I hope you are strong enough to find what is right for you and your children. Being with someone like this is exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's normally the sort of thing you figure out in the dating stage. I don't think you can change him into a caring human being on your own.

+1. Did you really not know this before you married him? People generally don’t just change.

There it is! The wonderful but totally useless time machine response. "Ooooooh, but didn't you know all this before marrying him??? Clearly your fault for marrying such a loser."

STFU.

For women who want to have their families it's a finite timeline. It's slim pickens, whereby you trade one problem for another. Just look at your friends and acquaintances. One friend has a spendthrift husband who always gets them into financial trouble. My sister's husband was a financial control freak where she wasn't allowed to spend any money though she made more. Another guy cheats on his wife. Yet another won't do squat around the house, or help with the kids. I know one couple who actually have a good marriage. Pick your poison, but many if not most are not as committed as women or loyal. Just the way it is.

Maybe OP didn't get hurt enough before the marriage to see his indifference. Or didn't see how severe his lack of empathy was. BTW we are raising a generation of those, only getting worse imo.

Most men are not as "committed and loyal" as women.

75% of all divorces are initiated by women.

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. It's a lot to deal with. I don't think he's a sociopath, but I DO think he legitimately has a difference in empathy and being able to "see" other people's distress and respond to it in a way that other people would do. I mean, he loves our son intensely, but he's always been very un-attuned to his physical distress unless it was really obvious. I think it's almost an autism-like feature of his neurology.

If you have any sort of healthy relationship, what you ought to be able to do is expressly teach him how you want to be treated, and he should be able to do it. But you have to be able to voice your needs and spell them out -- he's never going to figure it out on your own.

And if you approach it judgmentally ("you're completely unempathetic, what is wrong with you??") it's not going to work. I mean, anyone who would actually drop off his wife and newborn on the front step and leave the house surely deserves judgment ... but IF you want an OK relationship, you have to just assume that he's acting that way because his brain works differently, not because he knows what the right thing to do is and is deliberatly not doing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's normally the sort of thing you figure out in the dating stage. I don't think you can change him into a caring human being on your own.

+1. Did you really not know this before you married him? People generally don’t just change.

There it is! The wonderful but totally useless time machine response. "Ooooooh, but didn't you know all this before marrying him??? Clearly your fault for marrying such a loser."

STFU.

For women who want to have their families it's a finite timeline. It's slim pickens, whereby you trade one problem for another. Just look at your friends and acquaintances. One friend has a spendthrift husband who always gets them into financial trouble. My sister's husband was a financial control freak where she wasn't allowed to spend any money though she made more. Another guy cheats on his wife. Yet another won't do squat around the house, or help with the kids. I know one couple who actually have a good marriage. Pick your poison, but many if not most are not as committed as women or loyal. Just the way it is.

Maybe OP didn't get hurt enough before the marriage to see his indifference. Or didn't see how severe his lack of empathy was. BTW we are raising a generation of those, only getting worse imo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's normally the sort of thing you figure out in the dating stage. I don't think you can change him into a caring human being on your own.

+1. Did you really not know this before you married him? People generally don’t just change.

There it is! The wonderful but totally useless time machine response. "Ooooooh, but didn't you know all this before marrying him??? Clearly your fault for marrying such a loser."

STFU.

For women who want to have their families it's a finite timeline. It's slim pickens, whereby you trade one problem for another. Just look at your friends and acquaintances. One friend has a spendthrift husband who always gets them into financial trouble. My sister's husband was a financial control freak where she wasn't allowed to spend any money though she made more. Another guy cheats on his wife. Yet another won't do squat around the house, or help with the kids. I know one couple who actually have a good marriage. Pick your poison, but many if not most are not as committed as women or loyal. Just the way it is.

Maybe OP didn't get hurt enough before the marriage to see his indifference. Or didn't see how severe his lack of empathy was. BTW we are raising a generation of those, only getting worse imo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's normally the sort of thing you figure out in the dating stage. I don't think you can change him into a caring human being on your own.

+1. Did you really not know this before you married him? People generally don’t just change.

There it is! The wonderful but totally useless time machine response. "Ooooooh, but didn't you know all this before marrying him??? Clearly your fault for marrying such a loser."

STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.

That is great (no snark) but my ex has Aspergers and acts just like OP's husband. He made me take food off my plate 4 days after having a c-section because "that was for his lunch tomorrow."

Is being selfish and self centered part of Asperger's (not being facetious, genuinely wondering)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

He could also be a narcissist or a psychopath.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.

That is great (no snark) but my ex has Aspergers and acts just like OP's husband. He made me take food off my plate 4 days after having a c-section because "that was for his lunch tomorrow."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.

That is great (no snark) but my ex has Aspergers and acts just like OP's husband. He made me take food off my plate 4 days after having a c-section because "that was for his lunch tomorrow."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.