Anonymous wrote:I am the neatnick spouse of a boarder-line hoarder who was raised by hoarders. I know what you are facing and trying to do is HARD. Good for you.

I just wanted to give you a little insight into how your husband may experience clutter. To you, clutter is comfortable. To me, clutter is suffocating. It walk into a room where there are things where they shouldn't be makes me feel like I walked into a room without air. Its funny, because I feel that way in my own house, but really I couldn't care less about anyone else's house. I can have dinner over at a friend's house with clutter everywhere and it doesn't bother me in the slightest - but I don't want to live there. In my own house, I cannot feel relaxed and comfortable until things are tidy. Coming home to laundry on the couch would break me - I want to sit on the couch, and not be reminded of chores! Your husband must feel constantly suffocated and stressed if he is anything like me.

What we've done in my house is be very minimal about what comes in. We don't shop in big box stores, and for things like clothes and toys the rule is that if the new thing doesn't fit in existing storage, something must go so the new thing fits. There may be no piles, no stacks, no things with no homes. Since my husband would hoard if left to himself, that means we have quarterly cleaning parties. I pull all his clothes out of the dresser and closet and pile them on the bed, and I hold each thing up one by one and make him decide. I push him if he refuses to give things up, but usually he does. Then we fold together and everything gets put away. I do the same with his books. My son and I both throw things away easily, so we both just get rid of things on a regular basis.

We split housework pretty evenly, but we do it in ways that play to our strengths - I cook and clean. He does all laundry, grocery shopping, kid pickup and dropoff, and finances. We both work full time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What part of the house does your DH clean? If it is all on you, and he is wanting a minimalist house without the work of it- then he is delusional.

I agree that couple therapy is due and he needs to step up with 50% of the cleaning OR get over his reluctance to outside paid help. You also need to hire an organizer to help you get rid of all the old kids stuff and organize the rest.

OP here: Yes, DH is delusional! Thank you! I’m the one who wants to stay married and not seethe and resent DH, so I’m trying to solicit how others might feel. I seek to understand. I also recognize I’m delusional...I just don’t “see”the clutter as a problem.

He does nearly nothing around the house as related to daily chores. One of our biggest fights was over all the work a new baby requires.

Me: Crying and yelling because dishwasher was loaded but wasn’t run and I have no clean bottles, after I asked him to do the dishes. I felt like I had to do everything
He: Why are you mad...I’m doing everything you tell me.
Me: If you can’t figure out the baby needs to eat again soon and needs a clean bottle, washed pump flange, etc., then I am just too tired to even begin to explain. Run the goddamn dishwasher on half cycle instead of waiting for a full load.