Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:52     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.


When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?


OP, you really need to slow down. Your wife is not ungrateful for the child she has. She is (in my opinion understandably) disappointed in the HUSBAND she has.

Fertility issues are very hard on couples, but arguably, they are harder on the person actually experiencing them. Many women have a lot of their identity really tied up in their ability to have children, for better or worse. I have had 3 miscarriages and it really felt like my body was broken and couldn't do what it was supposed to do. I knew, rationally, that that was not true, but that was how I felt. Your wife does not need to "accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise." That is a really heartless thing to say. She is willing to go through a process that is excruciating both physically and emotionally, which should tell you a lot about how important this is to her.


she must be ungrateful if she's going to leave the marriage and break up our family over this. I'm hurting
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:52     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:If she didn't have fertility issues, this would not be a issue because it's not like I've done anything to prevent her getting pregnant naturally. But we also know that while the chances aren't zero, they're low. If it just "happened" naturally, I would just accept it and be a great dad to another baby like I have been to the one we already have.


There is a reason why OP keep avoiding the elephant in the room - which is that he should have told his wife his views early and given her the choice to stay or leave on her own terms.

She feels betrayed by you, OP, and rightfully so. People divorce over lying and betrayals everyday. If you two got fertility treatments today and failed to have another baby, she wouldn't leave you over it - it's not about her desire to have the baby, it's your dishonesty and utter selfishness.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:51     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:Shouldn't it be more important for her to have ONE child than none at all? She's fortunate to have one. Why do we have to go thru this and break up our family?


OP, if this is how you've been speaking to your wife in these conversations, I completely understand why she is angry with you and is considering ending your marriage. You have zero empathy. Please get a grip.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:50     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.


When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?


Why can’t you be grateful that you can still have another child?

Come on OP. You’re basically trying to shame her for having the same values she told you she always had. You’re the one who pulled the bait and switch.


So it's ok for her to hurt me because I changed my mind? It's ok for her to hurt our son by breaking up our family?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:49     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP just have another. [i]You are also destroying your family. If you have enough money and time and said you will love the baby, just do it. Maybe put a limit on it (we will try for 6 months,1 year).
I was in a similar situation (minus fertility issues) and convinced/pushed my DH to have a second. This second became the most amazing litttle girl and my DH is totally in love with her (maybe because she looks so much like me ).

I am now pregnant with baby #3.... DH’s idea...


It's not that easy. It's too much work and I don't want to do the work of having a newborn baby that will wake up thru the night. Plus, I'm now 37 and too old for that.


I was 38 when I had my second child, OP, and while it is not a fun phase, it does pass, as you have already experienced.

You are not "too old for that." You just don't want to.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:49     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Shouldn't it be more important for her to have ONE child than none at all? She's fortunate to have one. Why do we have to go thru this and break up our family?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:48     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.


When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?


OP, you really need to slow down. Your wife is not ungrateful for the child she has. She is (in my opinion understandably) disappointed in the HUSBAND she has.

Fertility issues are very hard on couples, but arguably, they are harder on the person actually experiencing them. Many women have a lot of their identity really tied up in their ability to have children, for better or worse. I have had 3 miscarriages and it really felt like my body was broken and couldn't do what it was supposed to do. I knew, rationally, that that was not true, but that was how I felt. Your wife does not need to "accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise." That is a really heartless thing to say. She is willing to go through a process that is excruciating both physically and emotionally, which should tell you a lot about how important this is to her.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:47     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
If she didn't have fertility issues, this would not be a issue because it's not like I've done anything to prevent her getting pregnant naturally. But we also know that while the chances aren't zero, they're low. If it just "happened" naturally, I would just accept it and be a great dad to another baby like I have been to the one we already have.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:47     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.


When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?



Then you should have told her, and expeditiously, without waiting for 5 years, because her fertility (which is already limited) is dependent on these last fertile years of her life. You knew it was important to her. She spoke to you about it constantly. Yet you dragged this out and now you want to play the victim. I would leave your dishonest, selfish self too. I'd venture to say you say you love her, but you don't - you only care about yourself.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:47     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.


When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?


Why can’t you be grateful that you can still have another child?

Come on OP. You’re basically trying to shame her for having the same values she told you she always had. You’re the one who pulled the bait and switch.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:46     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.


I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.


But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.


Wow, you are really intent on being right here, rather than saving your marriage? Good luck with that.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:45     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.


When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?


since you are using her fertility issues against her, what exactly was the deal? Did you do IVF? How many times? how was her pregnancy? how many weeks was the baby when born?

Bc for my first, I struggled a lot. Then I got pregnant on my own for the 2nd
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:44     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is DCUM so being the man, it's automatically your fault.

Women change their mind about stuff all the time. You can too.


Yea, I should have known that when I made this post. I feel like I'm in the right and she's in the wrong for wanting to break up the marriage over this.


No one is wrong. You are both making perfectly valid decisions. Your wife had just as much right to change her mind about being married to you as you do to change your mind about having another kid. And I really don't mean that to be snarky. Your wife can't force you to have another kid, and you can't force her to stay married to you.

FWIW, I know 2 couples who split because of different desires re: kids. One realized before the wedding, which was definitely the better way. (Note, on that case he had the balls to tell his fiance that he had realized he didn't want kids. Respect. He loved her enough to do the hard work of being honest with himself and then her.
She have it a lot of thought, but decided she would really regret not having kids). The other was a similar situation to you, except it was the wife who didn't want more kids. Both splits were reasonably amicable. The second couple the DH remarried a few years later and had 2 more kids.

Look, I get it. Before kids, I wanted 3 or 4. After my first, I decided 2 maximum. It's hard to plan when you can't really appreciate how much kids will change your life. So no, you're not the villain at all. But neither is she. At this point, you both just want different things out of life. It's sad, but it's not "right" or "wrong".


I agree with the above, very wise. Except the OP was manipulative by not being honest with his wife. I would have been completely on his side if he hadn’t chosen to lie to his wife to avoid a difficult conversation.

Guess what? The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:43     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:OP just have another. [i]You are also destroying your family. If you have enough money and time and said you will love the baby, just do it. Maybe put a limit on it (we will try for 6 months,1 year).
I was in a similar situation (minus fertility issues) and convinced/pushed my DH to have a second. This second became the most amazing litttle girl and my DH is totally in love with her (maybe because she looks so much like me ).

I am now pregnant with baby #3.... DH’s idea...


It's not that easy. It's too much work and I don't want to do the work of having a newborn baby that will wake up thru the night. Plus, I'm now 37 and too old for that.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 11:41     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.


When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?