Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 14:57     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait until they have to live their life out of suitcases and have to deal with the guilt of who to see during the holidays. They will beat themselves up over it and internalize more than you will ever comprehend.

None of it is real to them.


Wait until they're trying to care for two aging adults in two far-apart locations, and trying to dump responsibility for their new spouses on you as well. My parents' divorce as a teenager was nothing compared to what my 50s have been like.

Hope you have lots of money, OP. You're going to need it, to maintain two separate households for the rest of your life.


Ummm, I think you need to start your own thread for your sob story. You sound totally self absorbed. . What are you trying to say to the OP?? No one should ever get divorced, ever? Stay no matter how miserable everyone is? So, your experience can be generalized and extrapolated to every other divorce in the world???

Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 14:07     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP +1
At 50+ I still feel the repercussions of the divorce bomb that went off in our neighborhood in the 70s. The kids I know whose parents split up—guess what we are not divorced. 20+ years married kids in college or heading that way (will be paid for) saving for retirement. All marriages had ups and downs but subconsciously we all avoided divorce. THe couples I know now that have have parents who did not divorce so they do not know what it feels like to a kid.


Can anyone else follow this post? I get that you are against divorce but the reasons are, to put it nicely, unclear.


I gathered that the poster was saying there was a divorce epidemic in the neighborhood where she grew up. She and the other kids she knew whose parents were so traumatized by the disintegration of their parents’ marriages that they all went on to have much more successful marriages of their own. PP seems to have benefitted from the resume of her parents divorce by making her own lasting, stable marriage in which to raise her kids. And she asserts that her peers, the other children of divorce, all did the same.


Thank you for clarifying. And the last bit states that the peers I know who have divorced did not grow up the children of divorce (their parents’ still together) so they can not predict what it feels like to be a child of divorce. If abuse, addiction, I get it. If bored and want excitement think clearly about where this is headed. Excitement has a 2 year shelf life.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:54     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait until they have to live their life out of suitcases and have to deal with the guilt of who to see during the holidays. They will beat themselves up over it and internalize more than you will ever comprehend.

None of it is real to them.


Wait until they're trying to care for two aging adults in two far-apart locations, and trying to dump responsibility for their new spouses on you as well. My parents' divorce as a teenager was nothing compared to what my 50s have been like.

Hope you have lots of money, OP. You're going to need it, to maintain two separate households for the rest of your life.


Not necessarily. We don't visit either for the holidays. And we've made it clear to both of our divorced parents that they either act like civil grown ups at joint events, or don't bother coming. We don't tolerate their bullshit.

As for aging parents, it's a concern. But, they are all remarried and so they have spouses to help out too. We don't feel any obligation to them, much as we like them, they have their own kids. And we also feel no sense that this is is our responsibility to do anything extraordinary (beyond making sure they are treated well and not turned out on the streets, obv.) They've made their own separate lives with their new families. That's fine. But, that's also the choices they've made so they'll have to live with them. I feel no guilt about it. None.


For me it's more like their spouses are the older and sicker ones, at the moment. They are both constantly asking us to help financially and in person, because none of the FOUR aging adults saved enough money. It might have been enough, had they not divorced. I'm helping them as I can, but I'm not going above and beyond, and I'm actively resisting responsibility for the new spouses. It's just more than I can take on. People with their happy-clappy "Children are resilient! More people to love them!" can STFU unless they're going to write some checks.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:43     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait until they have to live their life out of suitcases and have to deal with the guilt of who to see during the holidays. They will beat themselves up over it and internalize more than you will ever comprehend.

None of it is real to them.


Wait until they're trying to care for two aging adults in two far-apart locations, and trying to dump responsibility for their new spouses on you as well. My parents' divorce as a teenager was nothing compared to what my 50s have been like.

Hope you have lots of money, OP. You're going to need it, to maintain two separate households for the rest of your life.


Not necessarily. We don't visit either for the holidays. And we've made it clear to both of our divorced parents that they either act like civil grown ups at joint events, or don't bother coming. We don't tolerate their bullshit.

As for aging parents, it's a concern. But, they are all remarried and so they have spouses to help out too. We don't feel any obligation to them, much as we like them, they have their own kids. And we also feel no sense that this is is our responsibility to do anything extraordinary (beyond making sure they are treated well and not turned out on the streets, obv.) They've made their own separate lives with their new families. That's fine. But, that's also the choices they've made so they'll have to live with them. I feel no guilt about it. None.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:40     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I begged my parents to get divorced.


I was happy my parents divorced.
red

You are both making shit up. Knock it off.



I felt total relief that it was over. Nobody wants to walk on egg shells around their own parents. I would so nervous about approaching my dad about anything because he was always so pissed off. I would actually rehearse what I was going to say to him in case he started getting angry. I would also judge when to write him a note vs. talking to him. So yes, I was very relieved when he moved out. It took him about 6 months to calm down after he left but he finally got to a point where he wasn't always pissed off. My mom also chilled out and became much easier to deal with.


Yeah, I'm not sure why people would think kids are happy/relieved their parents are divorcing. My parents divorced when my sister was in HS and I was second year of college. They never should have married. But they did. And they should have divorced many, many more years before they did. I hated being home. Constant yelling. Mean yelling. Name calling. Silent treatments. And on and on. Walking on eggshells, always.

While divorce is not fun, and theirs wasn't pleasant, everyone is better off.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:29     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:Wait until they have to live their life out of suitcases and have to deal with the guilt of who to see during the holidays. They will beat themselves up over it and internalize more than you will ever comprehend.

None of it is real to them.


Wait until they're trying to care for two aging adults in two far-apart locations, and trying to dump responsibility for their new spouses on you as well. My parents' divorce as a teenager was nothing compared to what my 50s have been like.

Hope you have lots of money, OP. You're going to need it, to maintain two separate households for the rest of your life.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:26     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP +1
At 50+ I still feel the repercussions of the divorce bomb that went off in our neighborhood in the 70s. The kids I know whose parents split up—guess what we are not divorced. 20+ years married kids in college or heading that way (will be paid for) saving for retirement. All marriages had ups and downs but subconsciously we all avoided divorce. THe couples I know now that have have parents who did not divorce so they do not know what it feels like to a kid.


Can anyone else follow this post? I get that you are against divorce but the reasons are, to put it nicely, unclear.


I follow it because I had a similar childhood experience. All of a sudden, lots of families in the neighborhood got divorced, and our parents started casually dating other parents, sometimes moving in together and then splitting up again, etc.. It was tremendously destabilizing for the kids, and it's a hassle for all of us when we visit our parents. It sucks. Boomers! I'm determined to take care of my marriage and avoid divorce because I'm not able to delude myself that the kids won't be affected.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:12     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
^^^Resume should be trauma. I have no idea how that auto correct happened.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:11     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP +1
At 50+ I still feel the repercussions of the divorce bomb that went off in our neighborhood in the 70s. The kids I know whose parents split up—guess what we are not divorced. 20+ years married kids in college or heading that way (will be paid for) saving for retirement. All marriages had ups and downs but subconsciously we all avoided divorce. THe couples I know now that have have parents who did not divorce so they do not know what it feels like to a kid.


Can anyone else follow this post? I get that you are against divorce but the reasons are, to put it nicely, unclear.


I gathered that the poster was saying there was a divorce epidemic in the neighborhood where she grew up. She and the other kids she knew whose parents were so traumatized by the disintegration of their parents’ marriages that they all went on to have much more successful marriages of their own. PP seems to have benefitted from the resume of her parents divorce by making her own lasting, stable marriage in which to raise her kids. And she asserts that her peers, the other children of divorce, all did the same.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:07     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:PP +1
At 50+ I still feel the repercussions of the divorce bomb that went off in our neighborhood in the 70s. The kids I know whose parents split up—guess what we are not divorced. 20+ years married kids in college or heading that way (will be paid for) saving for retirement. All marriages had ups and downs but subconsciously we all avoided divorce. THe couples I know now that have have parents who did not divorce so they do not know what it feels like to a kid.


Can anyone else follow this post? I get that you are against divorce but the reasons are, to put it nicely, unclear.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 13:02     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:Dear selfish divorcees, your kids would prefer a happy intact family


Dear internet rando,

You aren't the decider of what is best for every family.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 12:46     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Takes time to process.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 12:34     Subject: Re:Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
if nothing else your future children in law will hate you for it, so there's that to look forward to
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 12:32     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
OP, the kids will likely find out or figure it out eventually. Think carefully about what you will say if they confront you. They will not want more lies.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2019 12:31     Subject: Told my kids we were divorcing and they were unfazed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dear selfish divorcees, your kids would prefer a happy intact family


No shit. Wouldn’t everyone? But a happy separated family is better than an intact and miserable one.


Some separated families are still miserable. It would be much easier for everyone for my parents to be miserably married instead of miserablr in their second marriages. Divorce is not a guarantee of happiness, not ir staying together a guarantee of being miserable forever.