Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 19:04     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain OP. Today is my birthday. The kids went back to school today. All I wanted was a day to myself with DH at work and the kids at school. 6-8 hours of peace and quiet. What does DH do? He takes the day off so he can spend my special day with me. He spent the day napping and watching the news so I couldn’t even do anything loud in my bedroom or be there in general without hearing about Trump and his BS.


Well, pp, it’s not much consolation but Happy Birthday to you!


Thanks!

To the others whose spouses do the same to them, at least we’re not alone. Even when we want to be. I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll get my day to myself Thursday or Friday. It’ll be my belated birthday present.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 18:41     Subject: Re:How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:a gift is not something one gets to chose. There are two sides to a gift. The giver picks the item they want to gift for their own reasons including, at times, giving something that receiver may not chose for themselves. The other side of the gift giving processes is the receiver graciously receiving the gift. OP, you are lacking on both sides of this equation.

1. You don't pick your own gift. I've given close family members things they might not have chosen for themselves and among the reasons I've done this, at times, is because I thought they might have a horizon expanding moment and learn the enjoy something new. Sure, your husband may have picked something he also enjoys but that does not mean his motivations are totally selfish. You, on the other hand, wanting him to "gift" only that which you, in advance, want is a selfish motivation. You are taking away joy from the gift giver. Their joy is the experience of considering what to give someone else.

2. gracious acceptance of things we may not want is a gift to the giver and also a chance for us to grow individually.

I'm very surporsed that other people on DCUMS do not know and live by these principles because so many people on DCUMS are stay-at-homes or other types why contribute to their families by gift giving and sending thankyou notes, etc.


You seem to misunderstand the point of a gift- it's not to make the giver happy. It's to make the recipient happy. Oh I am so glad you aren't a friend of mine, telling me how to expand my horizon.


+1 I have literally never given a gift for any motivation other than to make the recipient happy. I have no idea what the givers "own reasons" could be...expand their horizons? Educate them? Try to improve them? To better themselves? That's condescending AF. You sound like a selfish cow.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 18:16     Subject: Re:How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:a gift is not something one gets to chose. There are two sides to a gift. The giver picks the item they want to gift for their own reasons including, at times, giving something that receiver may not chose for themselves. The other side of the gift giving processes is the receiver graciously receiving the gift. OP, you are lacking on both sides of this equation.

1. You don't pick your own gift. I've given close family members things they might not have chosen for themselves and among the reasons I've done this, at times, is because I thought they might have a horizon expanding moment and learn the enjoy something new. Sure, your husband may have picked something he also enjoys but that does not mean his motivations are totally selfish. You, on the other hand, wanting him to "gift" only that which you, in advance, want is a selfish motivation. You are taking away joy from the gift giver. Their joy is the experience of considering what to give someone else.

2. gracious acceptance of things we may not want is a gift to the giver and also a chance for us to grow individually.

I'm very surporsed that other people on DCUMS do not know and live by these principles because so many people on DCUMS are stay-at-homes or other types why contribute to their families by gift giving and sending thankyou notes, etc.


Yeah, I'm surprised that more people haven't jumped on this. Thoughtful gift giving is NOT about the giver. It is one thing to give someone something "horizon-expanding" if what you know about the person would lead you to believe that they would enjoy that thing--such as a book from an author similar to one you know they enjoy or music in a similar style. But, giving someone a gift that's about something YOU think they should have or enjoy is supremely selfish. Your joy as a giver should be in selecting something that will provide enjoyment or have meaning to the recipient. At best, a thoughtful, well chosen gift can make the recipient feel deeply known and seen, and picking something that you think they should like is the opposite of that.

Plus, I don't think in a healthy marriage you just grit your teeth and bear it when your spouse sinks a whole bunch of money and time, including other people's time, on a big party or family trip (I'm guessing he's booking a family cruise or something.) that you don't want, won't enjoy, will prevent you from doing something you DO want, and explicitly said you didn't want. This is not a piece of jewelry that just isn't to her taste and can be worn a couple times and discreetly put away. OP, rock the boat now; it's just going to get worse the longer you wait.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 17:54     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain OP. Today is my birthday. The kids went back to school today. All I wanted was a day to myself with DH at work and the kids at school. 6-8 hours of peace and quiet. What does DH do? He takes the day off so he can spend my special day with me. He spent the day napping and watching the news so I couldn’t even do anything loud in my bedroom or be there in general without hearing about Trump and his BS.


Well, pp, it’s not much consolation but Happy Birthday to you!
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 16:44     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
I bet its a surprise party.

DH wants her family and friends to think he is SUCH A GREAT HUSBAND for throwing her a party. Am I right, OP?
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 16:39     Subject: Re:How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:a gift is not something one gets to chose. There are two sides to a gift. The giver picks the item they want to gift for their own reasons including, at times, giving something that receiver may not chose for themselves. The other side of the gift giving processes is the receiver graciously receiving the gift. OP, you are lacking on both sides of this equation.

1. You don't pick your own gift. I've given close family members things they might not have chosen for themselves and among the reasons I've done this, at times, is because I thought they might have a horizon expanding moment and learn the enjoy something new. Sure, your husband may have picked something he also enjoys but that does not mean his motivations are totally selfish. You, on the other hand, wanting him to "gift" only that which you, in advance, want is a selfish motivation. You are taking away joy from the gift giver. Their joy is the experience of considering what to give someone else.

2. gracious acceptance of things we may not want is a gift to the giver and also a chance for us to grow individually.

I'm very surporsed that other people on DCUMS do not know and live by these principles because so many people on DCUMS are stay-at-homes or other types why contribute to their families by gift giving and sending thankyou notes, etc.


hold on. When it is an "experience gift" that means the giver is trying to FORCE the person into doing something they don't want to do (and because the DH has involved other people, it's not something where OP could pass it to someone else or let the tickets die in a desk drawer).

You don't get to pick what other people DO.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 16:37     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain OP. Today is my birthday. The kids went back to school today. All I wanted was a day to myself with DH at work and the kids at school. 6-8 hours of peace and quiet. What does DH do? He takes the day off so he can spend my special day with me. He spent the day napping and watching the news so I couldn’t even do anything loud in my bedroom or be there in general without hearing about Trump and his BS.


Mine did this to me last year then b1tched because I didn't want to go to lunch. I just Wanted to veg out and eat chips


Mine knows better then to do this on my birthday but he does think it's a treat - I'll be home so we can hang out. Honey - I see you plenty!
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 16:33     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain OP. Today is my birthday. The kids went back to school today. All I wanted was a day to myself with DH at work and the kids at school. 6-8 hours of peace and quiet. What does DH do? He takes the day off so he can spend my special day with me. He spent the day napping and watching the news so I couldn’t even do anything loud in my bedroom or be there in general without hearing about Trump and his BS.


Mine did this to me last year then b1tched because I didn't want to go to lunch. I just Wanted to veg out and eat chips
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 16:18     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
I feel your pain OP. Today is my birthday. The kids went back to school today. All I wanted was a day to myself with DH at work and the kids at school. 6-8 hours of peace and quiet. What does DH do? He takes the day off so he can spend my special day with me. He spent the day napping and watching the news so I couldn’t even do anything loud in my bedroom or be there in general without hearing about Trump and his BS.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 15:42     Subject: Re:How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:a gift is not something one gets to chose. There are two sides to a gift. The giver picks the item they want to gift for their own reasons including, at times, giving something that receiver may not chose for themselves. The other side of the gift giving processes is the receiver graciously receiving the gift. OP, you are lacking on both sides of this equation.

1. You don't pick your own gift. I've given close family members things they might not have chosen for themselves and among the reasons I've done this, at times, is because I thought they might have a horizon expanding moment and learn the enjoy something new. Sure, your husband may have picked something he also enjoys but that does not mean his motivations are totally selfish. You, on the other hand, wanting him to "gift" only that which you, in advance, want is a selfish motivation. You are taking away joy from the gift giver. Their joy is the experience of considering what to give someone else.

2. gracious acceptance of things we may not want is a gift to the giver and also a chance for us to grow individually.

I'm very surporsed that other people on DCUMS do not know and live by these principles because so many people on DCUMS are stay-at-homes or other types why contribute to their families by gift giving and sending thankyou notes, etc.


People tell me I am a wonderful gift giver because I spend a lot of time choosing a gift that they are thrilled with. My secret weapon is being a good listener and observer.


I would bet $1000 there is a lot of eyerolling and snickering that goes on behind your back.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 15:41     Subject: Re:How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:a gift is not something one gets to chose. There are two sides to a gift. The giver picks the item they want to gift for their own reasons including, at times, giving something that receiver may not chose for themselves. The other side of the gift giving processes is the receiver graciously receiving the gift. OP, you are lacking on both sides of this equation.

1. You don't pick your own gift. I've given close family members things they might not have chosen for themselves and among the reasons I've done this, at times, is because I thought they might have a horizon expanding moment and learn the enjoy something new. Sure, your husband may have picked something he also enjoys but that does not mean his motivations are totally selfish. You, on the other hand, wanting him to "gift" only that which you, in advance, want is a selfish motivation. You are taking away joy from the gift giver. Their joy is the experience of considering what to give someone else.

2. gracious acceptance of things we may not want is a gift to the giver and also a chance for us to grow individually.

I'm very surporsed that other people on DCUMS do not know and live by these principles because so many people on DCUMS are stay-at-homes or other types why contribute to their families by gift giving and sending thankyou notes, etc.


You seem to misunderstand the point of a gift- it's not to make the giver happy. It's to make the recipient happy. Oh I am so glad you aren't a friend of mine, telling me how to expand my horizon.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 15:38     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband bought me a convertible as a surprise gift for mothers day. Not my favorite car but I grew to love it as it showed he cared for me. I suggest you do the same.


I would be livid if my spouse did this.


In the grand scheme of life is it really something to get livid over?


Yes, it is a form of control and completely disregards OP as a person with her own agency.


+1000
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 15:05     Subject: Re:How to handle unwanted gift from DH
OP, tell us what it is!
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 14:59     Subject: How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Another option is to get him an equally unwanted gift for his special occasion,or for Christmas next year. For example: honey would you like a couple's half day spa retreat for Christmas? No, okay, and go ahead and get it. Can be much cheaper than that, but you get the idea. May be the only thing that gets through to him.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 14:51     Subject: Re:How to handle unwanted gift from DH
Would this alone piss me off. No.
BUT (and i assume OP is in this boat), if this was one of the million ways that DH refused to listen to me and actually hear what I am saying then yes, this would make me very hurt and frustrated.
No one wants to go unheard and for their feelings to be disregarded. That is what this is about.

her DH is finding pleasure in giving her something she clearly stated she does not want. yet she is the bad guy for not being grateful.

Let me ask you this. If your boss asked you to NOT reorganize the company files by color but you did so anyway and even enlist coworkers to help you, would she be "You put so much time into that, thanks even though I specifically asked you to NOT do that. I appreciate it so much and love that you got everyone to waste their time on something I didn't want done"

While a gift isn't a job task, it is the same thinking. If someone tells you they do NOT want A. How about not getting them A.