You need to work hard on your communication issues. Tell her how you feel. She needs to respect your feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

I don't agree they needed to have a discussion beforehand for her not to crow about how the baby is going to resemble some other dude. That's just basic humanity.

Totally disagree with you.

Then I guess you are as autistic, inhuman and selfish as the OP's wife.

How would you describe a person who presumes to know strangers on the internet and childishly insults them simply for disagreeing with you? A shining example of humanity?

I would describe myself as "better than you". Especially because you have now posted two zero-value comments in a row.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that even the folks I know who have used donors I forget, and will say to the non-genetically related parent, oh, Larla gets that from you! Then I realize what I've just said.

Lesbian here. This happens to me all the time and I think it's hilarious (I'm not the birth mother) and also completely endearing.

I'm really glad to hear that!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

I don't agree they needed to have a discussion beforehand for her not to crow about how the baby is going to resemble some other dude. That's just basic humanity.

Really? Presumably, they chose the donor together based on set of characteristics they both wanted. If they have had those discussions, she may not know that all of a sudden he is bothered by her talk.

Further, there may be a lot of fear on her part, too. She chose her husband as the first choice for the baby. When you us a donor, all you have is a list of characteristics, not a flesh and body person in from of you. All you have is the hope that they get the characteristics on paper, and not the ones you do not know about. her fear may result in trying to own the situation and make it explicit.

DH already said her way is to make light of things and stay positive. His is to brew and stew. Unless he tells her, she has no way of knowing and WE don't know what they have discussed before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

I don't agree they needed to have a discussion beforehand for her not to crow about how the baby is going to resemble some other dude. That's just basic humanity.

Totally disagree with you.

Then I guess you are as autistic, inhuman and selfish as the OP's wife.

How would you describe a person who presumes to know strangers on the internet and childishly insults them simply for disagreeing with you? A shining example of humanity?

Simply tell her (and through her her mother) that if she wants this to be "our child" then she/they need to cut out the BS about who the biological father is. It is incredibly disrespectful and immature. If she doesn't "get it" then you have a much bigger issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

I don't agree they needed to have a discussion beforehand for her not to crow about how the baby is going to resemble some other dude. That's just basic humanity.

Totally disagree with you.

Then I guess you are as autistic, inhuman and selfish as the OP's wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

I don't agree they needed to have a discussion beforehand for her not to crow about how the baby is going to resemble some other dude. That's just basic humanity.

Some of you people really don’t get the real implications of using donor sperm. Fact is she WILL be having another man’s baby. That’s a tough pill to swallow and many quite understandably choose not to do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

I don't agree they needed to have a discussion beforehand for her not to crow about how the baby is going to resemble some other dude. That's just basic humanity.

Totally disagree with you.

Anonymous wrote:

DW and I had extensive conversations about donor sperm for YEARS before deciding to use a known donor, a friend in fact. This was something that we both had to be okay with, and again, we discussed it at length before even approaching our friend.

Incidentally, if you are the male friend in question here, you should never, never, never agree to such a proposal. If you supply sperm, and you are a friend of the mother-to-be, and you're not using a clinic, then you are much more at risk of being held liable for child support than if you don't know the mother and she got the sperm of an anonymous donor (you) through a reputable clinic.

I'm the PP. We used both a clinic and a sperm bank. And I have legally adopted both children. We made it clear that we didn't want anything from his except his sperm.

But yes, if you're doing it under the radar, this is true.

Anonymous wrote:True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

I don't agree they needed to have a discussion beforehand for her not to crow about how the baby is going to resemble some other dude. That's just basic humanity.

DW and I had extensive conversations about donor sperm for YEARS before deciding to use a known donor, a friend in fact. This was something that we both had to be okay with, and again, we discussed it at length before even approaching our friend.

Incidentally, if you are the male friend in question here, you should never, never, never agree to such a proposal. If you supply sperm, and you are a friend of the mother-to-be, and you're not using a clinic, then you are much more at risk of being held liable for child support than if you don't know the mother and she got the sperm of an anonymous donor (you) through a reputable clinic.

Anonymous wrote:I find that even the folks I know who have used donors I forget, and will say to the non-genetically related parent, oh, Larla gets that from you! Then I realize what I've just said.

Lesbian here. This happens to me all the time and I think it's hilarious (I'm not the birth mother) and also completely endearing.

NP. I haven't read all of the responses, just the first page.

I'm a woman married to another woman, and we used known donor sperm to conceive our two boys.

I'm guessing that since you did AI without counseling, you're doing this without a clinic? Perhaps you ordered the sperm online and had it shipped directly to you? I don't fault you for this - that's where we started before having to move on to IUI and eventually IVF (a lot of IVF).

DW and I had extensive conversations about donor sperm for YEARS before deciding to use a known donor, a friend in fact. This was something that we both had to be okay with, and again, we discussed it at length before even approaching our friend.

Once we moved on from AI, we did have to go through counseling at Shady Grove and eventually at another clinic after we switched, primarily because we knew the guy.

All of this is to say that:

1. It sounds like you should have a more extensive conversation about what this means for both of you and your family
2. It sounds like you are maybe not okay with donor sperm? This is really important and could adversely affect the relationship you have with your child.

Not being biologically related to a child can mean different things for different people. For me, I carried my sons in my heart instead of my body, and they are very much mine. But I also made sure that we did a second parent adoption after they were born so that they are also mine in the eyes of the law.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok. I guess I’m the outlier here, but what’s so terrible about the wife commenting on what features the kid gets from the donor? I would assume that OP hopes that the kid would get some of the better attributes as well. The real problem here is that OP has not come to terms with the fact that the child will not be biologically his. Until he becomes comes to accept that he will be seeing features in his future child that came from another man, he really shouldn’t be going down this avenue.

What's "terrible" is that she is rubbing the father's nose in the fact that she is having a baby that's not his. She is an insensitive moron. She can help him to "come to terms with this" by shutting the hell up about it, forever.

True, but we also do not law the extent of the conversations they had about this prior. If he indicated he was okay with everything, which given his obstinate desire to NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE, she may think they are just in a different place than they are.

Unless he communicates.....all is doomed.