Anonymous wrote:Why would you tell her not to worry about the cost of college if it's a concern? My kids are 8 and 5 and I tell them that they are going to college, and they will go to an instate school.

What an odd thing to emphasize in such a changing world. My kids know my husband and I went to college, but that there are other options. Hell, I hope they don't.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Details of the finances do not matter. I just want her to look at the total cost and the impacts. We have over a year to decide.

But, 25K is a number I can pay out of pocket; 70K I can not. It is that simple. I do not want to take out loans. I could pull cash out of my retirement fund (I will be 59 1/2 in her soph. year). That would probably require me to work until I am 70 instead of 66, though.

I can also point out, that as my only child/heir, in the end it is her money we are spending.

Then, talk to her about it. I don't understand the issue. You tell her she can apply to any school she wants and if she gets aid, great, and if not, this is what you can afford to give her per year and you don't want her to take loans. Why is there so much drama?

Does she even want to be an engineer or something science related?

You see, to be pushing Tech so hard but then mention other schools like BC or WM which are much more liberal arts oriented.

What does she plan to study? What are her best subjects?

Too late now!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to my DD and wife about this last night. It went surprisingly well. Wife was the bigger problem than DD. I explained the difference in costs. The interest in BC was not because it is catholic/jesuit but it is a school in Boston which she likes.

I explained that I am not sure I would pay the 70K. I could pay for Va Tech, for example, without any problem. W & M, probably -- we would make it work.

I explained that for private, if she wants it, the best bet is to find one that likes her grades/music/EC's to get a merit scholarship.

I think she gets that she is better off graduating from VT debt free than 150K in debt from BU. We will see.

I also explained that we chose to live in a place that has really good public education -- including colleges.

OP - Please understand that there is merit aid out there. If she is good enough for BC, there are other schools that would meet whatever it is she likes about BC that might be more to her taste than a big school in the middle of nowhere. My kid was a very, very good but not stellar student. He got enough of a grant from his OOS flagship that the cost is close to your "can pay for" range and below the cost of UVA.

It really is ok for her to have an interest in someplace besides VT. She just needs to work harder to make it affordable.

OP here. I talked to my DD and wife about this last night. It went surprisingly well. Wife was the bigger problem than DD. I explained the difference in costs. The interest in BC was not because it is catholic/jesuit but it is a school in Boston which she likes.

I explained that I am not sure I would pay the 70K. I could pay for Va Tech, for example, without any problem. W & M, probably -- we would make it work.

I explained that for private, if she wants it, the best bet is to find one that likes her grades/music/EC's to get a merit scholarship.

I think she gets that she is better off graduating from VT debt free than 150K in debt from BU. We will see.

I also explained that we chose to live in a place that has really good public education -- including colleges.

If she is just a junior, then now is the time for this discussion. Figure out the limits of your budget, talk with her about it in detail, sit down and run Net Price Calculators together. It's hard to teach the value of money to a person spending someone else's on such an important purchase; I'd save that lesson for other types of purchases. This is a time for limits.

Find out what she likes about BC and see if you can find those attributes in less expensive colleges where merit money might be a possibility. I would allow her to apply to colleges that offer competitive merit with the understanding that whether she could attend would depend on the final cost numbers vs budget. However, there is no point in applying to BC if there is no scenario in which it would be affordable - better to end the dream now, before an acceptance. (If you haven't already, do run the Net Price Calculator on BC's website, privately by yourself, just to be certain that you are working with correct information on the lack of financial aid for your family.)

Different people have different views on loans, but I'd allow my kid to borrow the small, federal student loans (around 5k freshman year) if it happened to bridge the gap between family budget and final cost at a particular school.

If you are willing to pay more for different levels of value as perceived by you (not her), now is also the time for that talk, but that may be a little more difficult to get across.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Details of the finances do not matter. I just want her to look at the total cost and the impacts. We have over a year to decide.

But, 25K is a number I can pay out of pocket; 70K I can not. It is that simple. I do not want to take out loans. I could pull cash out of my retirement fund (I will be 59 1/2 in her soph. year). That would probably require me to work until I am 70 instead of 66, though.

I can also point out, that as my only child/heir, in the end it is her money we are spending.

But if you spend out of your retirement to pay for this, it isn't just her money, but her income when she has to take care of you one day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Details of the finances do not matter. I just want her to look at the total cost and the impacts. We have over a year to decide.

But, 25K is a number I can pay out of pocket; 70K I can not. It is that simple. I do not want to take out loans. I could pull cash out of my retirement fund (I will be 59 1/2 in her soph. year). That would probably require me to work until I am 70 instead of 66, though.

I can also point out, that as my only child/heir, in the end it is her money we are spending.

Then you need to have a more fulsome, complete discussion with her about what you can pay and what you can't and why. It may come as a surprise to her, and she may be disappointed for a couple of days but that's the only way to get her to factor in cost of attendance.

If you don't explicitly say "there is a limit," don't be surprised when a teenager assumes or acts as if there is no limit to what you will pay.

+1 Why should a kid who has been protected from financial information all along naturally understand that for her family the difference between $75 and $25 really matters? There are families where the parents are easily in a position to pay the larger amount. They also said "don't worry about it".

She took you at your word.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Details of the finances do not matter. I just want her to look at the total cost and the impacts. We have over a year to decide.

But, 25K is a number I can pay out of pocket; 70K I can not. It is that simple. I do not want to take out loans. I could pull cash out of my retirement fund (I will be 59 1/2 in her soph. year). That would probably require me to work until I am 70 instead of 66, though.

I can also point out, that as my only child/heir, in the end it is her money we are spending.

Then you need to have a more fulsome, complete discussion with her about what you can pay and what you can't and why. It may come as a surprise to her, and she may be disappointed for a couple of days but that's the only way to get her to factor in cost of attendance.

If you don't explicitly say "there is a limit," don't be surprised when a teenager assumes or acts as if there is no limit to what you will pay.

+1 If your child is smart enough to get into BC or VT she's smart enough to understand that spending 45K$ more a year is a huge amount. In my own experience, the cost of college was the biggest driver in my educational choices. I chose a more expensive, more prestigious college than other schools which offered me a full-ride and have no regrets because that college opened up higher paying, better career opportunities for me, but was fully cognizant that I needed to take out loans to do so (and my parents kindly did as well).

My kid is at an urban state flagship with merit aid OOS. Not $25k, but under $35. There are compromises.

You have some work to do thinking this through and including your kid in the conversation.

You shouldn't pull $$ out of retirement.

So why on earth did you say "don't worry about it"?

My son really didn't want to be in Appalachia so he applied strategically to insure he would have good engineering alternatives that weren't $73k.

We never said "the money doesn't matter, don't think about it". We said "we can pay for almost anything, but it would be hard to pay for private, so you need a very good reason for that, and you should try to get scholarships."

There are many schools out there between VT and BC. Why isn't your kid looking at them?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Details of the finances do not matter. I just want her to look at the total cost and the impacts. We have over a year to decide.

But, 25K is a number I can pay out of pocket; 70K I can not. It is that simple. I do not want to take out loans. I could pull cash out of my retirement fund (I will be 59 1/2 in her soph. year). That would probably require me to work until I am 70 instead of 66, though.

I can also point out, that as my only child/heir, in the end it is her money we are spending.

You cannot do that, at least not in the sense that you could get an adult to look at the total cost and the impact. She doesn't have enough financial experience or knowledge to evaluate the financial aspects of this endeavor in any meaningful way. That is your job.

It is also your job to give her bottom-line information about your budget and what you (together) can pay. Full stop. As part of that, you should tell her that you do not plan to take out loans, or want her to take out loans. Therefore, she can choose any school that costs $X or less.

It is not her money that you are spending. It is yours. If it were hers, then spending it would have zero impact on *your* financial future/options.

(As an aside, do you consider for even a split second using retirement money to pay for college. Stupidest idea ever.)

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Details of the finances do not matter. I just want her to look at the total cost and the impacts. We have over a year to decide.

But, 25K is a number I can pay out of pocket; 70K I can not. It is that simple. I do not want to take out loans. I could pull cash out of my retirement fund (I will be 59 1/2 in her soph. year). That would probably require me to work until I am 70 instead of 66, though.

I can also point out, that as my only child/heir, in the end it is her money we are spending.

Then you need to have a more fulsome, complete discussion with her about what you can pay and what you can't and why. It may come as a surprise to her, and she may be disappointed for a couple of days but that's the only way to get her to factor in cost of attendance.

If you don't explicitly say "there is a limit," don't be surprised when a teenager assumes or acts as if there is no limit to what you will pay.

OP here. Details of the finances do not matter. I just want her to look at the total cost and the impacts. We have over a year to decide.

But, 25K is a number I can pay out of pocket; 70K I can not. It is that simple. I do not want to take out loans. I could pull cash out of my retirement fund (I will be 59 1/2 in her soph. year). That would probably require me to work until I am 70 instead of 66, though.

I can also point out, that as my only child/heir, in the end it is her money we are spending.