Anonymous wrote:It’s controlling and emotionally abusive. You’re right to divorce him, because it will wear on you over time. I hope the divorce is amicable and that you’re able to move on reasonably quickly.

Anonymous wrote:He is feeling slighted.
Signed,
A woman who paved her stbx’s way into silly valley yet he is acting like all the money is his

Anonymous wrote:He is wrong. But also women don’t understand how tough divorce is on men. Yes yes I know he had multiple chances, I gave him many warnings, he was this way for years, he refused to change etc I get it. Regardless of the reasons divorce in 99.9% of cases is liberating for women and I am not even talking about situations involving alcoholism or physical/verbal abuse. Women feel a massive weight of their shoulders once their divorce is finalized. For men it’s the beginning of a tough recovery.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so we are talking divorce. And spouse keeps saying stuff like ‘you would be nothing without me’ and ‘I made you everything you are’. FWIW I met him at 30- after I had 2 graduate degrees and the same (not fancy government) job that I have now.
I am not looking to bash him- just understand. In the context of a divorce, what is the motivating reason for folks to say these types of things? I think if I can understand the reasoning behind the feelings I can diffuse the situation better.
We have a kid- hence why I’m looking to build stability.

Anonymous wrote:A close friend of mine's DH said pretty much the same to her while I was at their home. Her background is very similar to yours. she already had a CPA and a Masters before she met him. They were not even fighting.

It's destroyed my relationship with her because I can't stand the man and she would not stop trying to make our friendship a couples friendship.

I think he is insecure because she is incredibly beautiful. She is way out of his league. And she is much smarter than he is too.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he's mad that he married someone who is going to divorce him

Anonymous wrote:He’s insecure, hurting, lashing out. People act crazy and say crazy things when it’s divorce time.

Anonymous wrote:My exh made very similar comments until we feel out of contact after the divorce. There were a lot of variations of "you will not be successful" and "I will be ridiculously successful". He even claimed he would be the US president and I would watch him on TV with a different first lady. Anyway, fast forward and I'm much more successful than he is, both in terms of salary and job prestige. My advice- don't try to overanalyze this. He is trying to make you doubt yourself and lose confidence and that's all there is to it.

When he makes comments like that, if you seek to "understand his view" it only encourages him to ramp up the verbal abuse since you're falling for it by pretending it is anything other than abuse. Also, don't tell him he is being abusive because that is also encouraging to him so he can discuss how you deserve it.

Just shut it down with "that's the most narcissistic thing I've heard an actual adult say" or "okay Larlo, keep flapping your gums, who cares if no one is listening". Your central message: idgaf what you think.

Anonymous wrote:My ex said this about me during a divorce. I agree it’s something cruel and abusive that insecure people say to try to manipulate you into feeling low-self esteem. I also think it’s a lot of projecting. They feel like they are nothing without you. Neither are true.

Anonymous wrote:He's trying to put you down so that you'll feel inadequate and small. As you point out, these comments are ridiculous, but he's not trying to be rational, and he's certainly not trying to be helpful. He's doing two things: (1) undermine your self confidence, and (2) express his contempt for you. There's a substantial body of research about expressions of contempt and what they say about a relationship. Nutshell version: once a partner starts expressing contempt, the relationship is usually done. Google this - you'll find plenty of articles on this subject.

It sounds like you're on the way out of this marriage. Whether you are or not, help yourself by detaching enough so you're aware of his motivations for making inappropriate comments, and work to maintain your boundaries so those comments don't have their intended effect.

Anonymous wrote:Well, why are you getting a divorce? I assume this kind of behavior isn’t in isolation? Or is it out of character for him?

My guess: he’s in pain and is trying to make you feel as miserable as he does; he’s trying to exert some control; he’s angry; he’s hurt; he’s sad. It’s middle school behavior but divorce does make people regress and can bring out the worst in them. Unless this is typical for him and he’s just an a-hole in general — it’s really hard to say without some more context.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's insecure.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so we are talking divorce. And spouse keeps saying stuff like ‘you would be nothing without me’ and ‘I made you everything you are’. FWIW I met him at 30- after I had 2 graduate degrees and the same (not fancy government) job that I have now.
I am not looking to bash him- just understand. In the context of a divorce, what is the motivating reason for folks to say these types of things? I think if I can understand the reasoning behind the feelings I can diffuse the situation better.
We have a kid- hence why I’m looking to build stability.