DCUM Forum

Anonymous

12/22/2018 09:34 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

I personally think manicures, pedicures, and massages are frivolous. I think going out with friends is only slightly frivolous, especially if you are watching what you order. He should clear this stuff with you if money is that tight. But also you need to offload that property. Price it to sell.

Anonymous

12/22/2018 09:34 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

It seems like you are OCD about this one issue, the property and your posts are all repetitive of one thing only. That you are not to blame for anything. I am now prone to believe your DH is happy to sleep on the couch and can see why he is going out drinking. A lot of good advice was given, but you are like a broken record.

Anonymous

12/22/2018 09:20 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

OP here. We decided to sell the property together (though he was the one insisting while I was planning to rent it again). I can support my place with my income of course, but it’s still over $3000 a month that is not coming in right now. We share a bank account so it does not matter where the money comes from it ends up in the same account. Anyway, this is not the point. We are tight right now, but we were fine when we decided to keep the baby... he was actually more sure than me since I knew my career and I were going to be the ones to pay for it... not his career. I am not American and can’t just get any job I want. With my visa, working for international organizations is the easiest and most lien key way to be employed. These jobs require a lot of travel often so I knew that a pregnancy makes trying to get a job really inconvenient. Anyway... baby is comIng and our financial situation will improve soon (hopefully) issue is that I feel that I am doing everything possible to save and literally spend nothing for me (and maybe like a PP suggested that is a mistake) and DH is not...

Anonymous

12/22/2018 09:20 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. I just feel that I am watching every $ I spend... literally. I know that DH is not like me (probably not many people are), but I feel that $80 today after being out doing similar things (hopefully spending less) at least 5 times in the past 2 weeks is just a slap in my face. He could have had 1 beer with his friends, he could have come home to spend time with me (we would have been alone since my parents took the kids he whole day); he could have drank less... anyway... I think it was very disrespectful to our family and embarassing for everyone and my parents (that don’t drink/ are foreigners)...

Ok, here is what I think. You are embarrassed that on his day off(or not going to work) he didn't spend time with you and your parents and your kids. All valid reasons. You are also pregnant and in debt. I am assuming he is charging all this on CC that you don't have the money to pay off?If you do have the money to pay it off, why all the drama? Or with you parents' help now, you are able to pay for his little lunch and drinks out of pocket? So, you parents are helping, and you told them about your financial crisis, and then he goes on and spends? Embarrassing right? And not home either, embarrassing too? Now, you were wrong to raise the issue with your parents present, you should have done it in quiet. I am an immigrant and was often in the similar situation when my parents would come to visit. After one fight that my mother witnessed when my first child was young, I learned never, ever to let my parents know any of our troubles. You see, this is also a big issue, you will forgive him and maybe forget, but your parents will resent him. You know all those horror stories you read about the ILS? Because they hear someone is "abusing" their grown kid from their kid, and they are still parents, they start to dislike your husband. Add cultural differences, it is a mess. Now, I bet you while this was going on, they were kind of on his side, "it is no big deal, man had a drink.." Right? My post has nothing to do with your financial situation, you guys cooked it up, you will fix it. Of course your DH is in a difficult position too, ILS home for a long time, you pregnant, and two kids around. So, what you ought to do, is ask your parents to watch the kids, they seem willing to help, which is great, and go out with your DH. Apologize for making such a hysterical show, which sounds like you did, even if you were right, and is he actually a nice person? He will apologize too, you don't need the extra tension while you are pregnant and your parents are visiting. You are thinking "I don't need this sh*t," and he is likely thinking the same thing. Now, if he is an alcoholic or a nasty husband anyway, then well, what do I know anyway.

A very reasonable and rational response. +1

Also glad I dont' have a DW that would send me to sleep on the couch over going out to have a few drinks with friends. Now if I showed up with lipstick on my collar....

Anonymous

12/22/2018 09:16 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Why are you having a 3rd kid when you are living paycheck to paycheck? Children aren't cheap. Maybe it's time to lower the price on the property. Maybe he's frustrated with this and doesn't want to fight so he's avoiding home and drowning his sorrows.

His actions aren't mature and responsible but he isn't the only one at fault.

Oh, and btw, I would avoid time at home if my inlaws were there too.

Anonymous

12/22/2018 08:51 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. I just feel that I am watching every $ I spend... literally. I know that DH is not like me (probably not many people are), but I feel that $80 today after being out doing similar things (hopefully spending less) at least 5 times in the past 2 weeks is just a slap in my face. He could have had 1 beer with his friends, he could have come home to spend time with me (we would have been alone since my parents took the kids he whole day); he could have drank less... anyway... I think it was very disrespectful to our family and embarassing for everyone and my parents (that don’t drink/ are foreigners)...

Ok, here is what I think. You are embarrassed that on his day off(or not going to work) he didn't spend time with you and your parents and your kids. All valid reasons. You are also pregnant and in debt. I am assuming he is charging all this on CC that you don't have the money to pay off?If you do have the money to pay it off, why all the drama? Or with you parents' help now, you are able to pay for his little lunch and drinks out of pocket? So, you parents are helping, and you told them about your financial crisis, and then he goes on and spends? Embarrassing right? And not home either, embarrassing too? Now, you were wrong to raise the issue with your parents present, you should have done it in quiet. I am an immigrant and was often in the similar situation when my parents would come to visit. After one fight that my mother witnessed when my first child was young, I learned never, ever to let my parents know any of our troubles. You see, this is also a big issue, you will forgive him and maybe forget, but your parents will resent him. You know all those horror stories you read about the ILS? Because they hear someone is "abusing" their grown kid from their kid, and they are still parents, they start to dislike your husband. Add cultural differences, it is a mess. Now, I bet you while this was going on, they were kind of on his side, "it is no big deal, man had a drink.." Right? My post has nothing to do with your financial situation, you guys cooked it up, you will fix it. Of course your DH is in a difficult position too, ILS home for a long time, you pregnant, and two kids around. So, what you ought to do, is ask your parents to watch the kids, they seem willing to help, which is great, and go out with your DH. Apologize for making such a hysterical show, which sounds like you did, even if you were right, and is he actually a nice person? He will apologize too, you don't need the extra tension while you are pregnant and your parents are visiting. You are thinking "I don't need this sh*t," and he is likely thinking the same thing. Now, if he is an alcoholic or a nasty husband anyway, then well, what do I know anyway.

Anonymous

12/22/2018 05:47 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

The root of this is probably my that your DH doesn’t want a third baby. And given your financial issues not sure why you are having a third.

Anonymous

12/22/2018 02:18 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Op- stop depriving yourself.
You said you haven’t done any self care since May. You are expecting your DH to do the same. They won’t.
If you are saving- he thinks he has more to spend. Don’t be reckless- but don’t me a martyr

Anonymous

12/22/2018 01:24 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Shaming your husband in front of your family is not going to help matters. Have a conversation when you can be calm and private about it, but don't expect him to give up every pleasure because your "income producing" condo is costing you big bucks. Rental furniture? Really?

Anonymous

12/22/2018 00:18 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a lot you’re upset about. It’s not just the money as you’re now bringing in a lot of unrelated complaints.

Why don’t you just rent the property again, immediately, if it was making you so much income before? You say it was profitable but yet you wanted to sell it for a “better” investment which doesn’t really all add up (quite literally).

Sounds like DH just went along with it and doesn’t really care because he sees the situation as temporary - and if he makes the bulk of the income he probably feels entitled to spend $80 here or there (and probably wouldn’t care if you got a manicure either). Frankly, he’s probably tired of the martyr act.

The property was profitable, but condo fees are increasing and they will be increasing every year for the forseable future. Rent is not going up, but down unfortunately and with the amount money we can make selling, we can buy two smaller units that will give us more profits. It was HIS idea, but I agreed (reluctantly). We have. Shared bank account so the property is mine, but rent and expenses are for the family

So he is paying for your property which you are selling at his suggestion. I don't really blame him, seeing as how you cannot maintain your own expenses with your own income.
If you missed an event at 5 pm, that is your own fault, as you could have gone without him. You didn't really want to go.

Anonymous

12/22/2018 00:17 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a lot you’re upset about. It’s not just the money as you’re now bringing in a lot of unrelated complaints.

Why don’t you just rent the property again, immediately, if it was making you so much income before? You say it was profitable but yet you wanted to sell it for a “better” investment which doesn’t really all add up (quite literally).

Sounds like DH just went along with it and doesn’t really care because he sees the situation as temporary - and if he makes the bulk of the income he probably feels entitled to spend $80 here or there (and probably wouldn’t care if you got a manicure either). Frankly, he’s probably tired of the martyr act.

The property was profitable, but condo fees are increasing and they will be increasing every year for the forseable future. Rent is not going up, but down unfortunately and with the amount money we can make selling, we can buy two smaller units that will give us more profits. It was HIS idea, but I agreed (reluctantly). We have. Shared bank account so the property is mine, but rent and expenses are for the family

Anonymous

12/22/2018 00:04 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Anonymous wrote:There’s a lot you’re upset about. It’s not just the money as you’re now bringing in a lot of unrelated complaints.

Why don’t you just rent the property again, immediately, if it was making you so much income before? You say it was profitable but yet you wanted to sell it for a “better” investment which doesn’t really all add up (quite literally).

Sounds like DH just went along with it and doesn’t really care because he sees the situation as temporary - and if he makes the bulk of the income he probably feels entitled to spend $80 here or there (and probably wouldn’t care if you got a manicure either). Frankly, he’s probably tired of the martyr act.

The property was profitable, but condo fees are increasing and they will be increasing every year for the forseable future. Rent is not going up, but down unfortunately and with the amount money we can make selling, we can buy two smaller units that will give us more profits. It was HIS idea, but I agreed (reluctantly). We have. Shared bank account so the property is mine, but rent and expenses are for the family

Anonymous

12/21/2018 23:16 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Weekly $80 lunches and drinking during the day while his oreganant wife works at home.

He sounds like a selfish @ss.

Anonymous

12/21/2018 23:00 Subject: Re:Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Here's how I'd think about it:

- Drinks with friends = maintaining social life. He's not craving a particular cocktail, he's craving meeting his friends.
- Manicure = no benefits other than teh manicure iteself. It's not necessary to keep up a social life,etc.

Also sleeping on the couch over this? Lord help him if he does something actually bad -- you'll have him sleeping on a park bench!

So they can buy a few six packs and drink in someone’s living room. No need to go to an expensive bar and spend $80 per person.

Well he won't want to to go his house, with a DW like that and the in-laws there too. So when his friend says "We're going to meet for drinks at XYZ bar at 5" he should say, "Let's meet at your place instead!"

Anonymous

12/21/2018 22:36 Subject: Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

Anonymous wrote:
You read him the riot act, OP. What a selfish pig.
And don't be embarrassed. Scream in front of the whole lot of them if you have to. Shame HIM.

And please return his gifts - you need the money for yourself.

This. Stop crying and start yelling.