Anonymous
12/17/2018 12:26
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So, DW here with controlling tendencies w/r/t money (okay, w/r/t to everything, but I'm working on it!). My DH and I have a joint credit card and I regularly monitor the statement for both of our spending. It's to avoid fraud, to track spending patterns, to see how many points we're earning, etc. I could definitely call to mind his recent purchases with ease, and some of the small ones drive me crazy b/c I'm very frugal on small expenses. He buys lunch every day (I mostly bring mine), he will uber rather than take the bus (I'm a regular bus rider). And, like your husband, I *will* blow large sums of money on trips or luxury items (high-quality work bag, for example). I see the value in vacation/travel and good quality items, but slowly frittering small amounts that add up and could be avoided drives me nuts. It's just the way I am.
That said, I *do not* hassle my husband about his spending patterns. I made a minor thing about it when we were first married and it just wasn't productive. I'll bring it up every now and then if we are specifically talking budgeting, but otherwise I let it alone. I am who I am, but he is who he is. He likes to get lunch out because he likes the mental break from work. He doesn't enjoy the bus because he'd rather get home to the kids sooner. I accept that and, even if I didn't, it's not my hill to die on.
Just thought I'd add my perspective, if helpful. I agree with PPs to have a talk with him and tell him to back off and then just proceed as if he has backed off, i.e., spend what you want (within reason!) and don't ask permission. My DH and I have 100% merged finances, FWIW. We also have very similar goals and general frugal tendencies, even if they manifest in different ways. I think both of those things help.
+1. I am basically this person. Your husband sounds controlling and like a jerk.
Another +1 here. I bring up collective changes in spending (like we should try and not eat ut next month) during a budgeting conversation, but I do not criticize individual expenses. I might also ask what a charge is if it is not clear.
Anonymous
12/17/2018 12:14
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
Anonymous wrote:I would cut back on the small expenses as they add up.
A daily $14 lunch and Uber ride to get home are excessive. You probably are not as wealthy as you think
Pretty sure one of his Persian rug purchases would cover a year’s worth of lunches and Lyft rides.
Op, I grumble at my DH about his Amazon purchases (the man has a book addiction!), but your situation is beyond that. You need to stand up for yourself and push back.
Anonymous
12/17/2018 12:05
Subject: Re:Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
OP, you are exaggerating or not telling the whole truth. Your original post claims you buy your clothing at Goodwill, yet you also mention buying pants at J. Crew. I don't think you are as careful with money as you claim.
Also, you had warning signs before you married -- yet you decided to marry and have two children with this person. I think you like the security his money brings.
Time to be more honest with yourself about the choices and tradeoffs you have (willingly) made.
Also, you had warning signs before you married -- yet you decided to marry and have two children with this person. I think you like the security his money brings.
Time to be more honest with yourself about the choices and tradeoffs you have (willingly) made.
Anonymous
12/17/2018 12:01
Subject: Re:Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
OMG. What you describe sounds very frightening.
My DH is the opposite, and respects my judgment and doesn't comment at all when I buy stuff. (We each make 50-50 of our HHI.)
Buying second-hand clothing is a bridge too far.
What is the appeal of being married to this person?
My DH is the opposite, and respects my judgment and doesn't comment at all when I buy stuff. (We each make 50-50 of our HHI.)
Buying second-hand clothing is a bridge too far.
What is the appeal of being married to this person?
Anonymous
12/17/2018 11:58
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
OP, when I read the first couple of sentences I didn't think all that much of what your dh did because I handle the bills in our family and I have alerts for whenever our card number is used and the card isn't present and I have alerts for charges over a certain amount. But generally I just confirm that dh made a particular charge if it seems high and questionable - although he used to be quite a spendthrift and I had to work on not trying to control every dollar but that's a story for another time.
But I didn't read much further until it became clear that your dh is controlling. First it's very odd that the spender in the family is riding herd on the thrifty person. That's a red flag in my view. Second, why aren't you folks combining your resources? My dh and I jointly own the money that we inherited when our parents died. Third, even if you don't combine resources, your dh's lack of transparency about his family assets is rather disturbing.
No, I would say that this is not normal.
But I didn't read much further until it became clear that your dh is controlling. First it's very odd that the spender in the family is riding herd on the thrifty person. That's a red flag in my view. Second, why aren't you folks combining your resources? My dh and I jointly own the money that we inherited when our parents died. Third, even if you don't combine resources, your dh's lack of transparency about his family assets is rather disturbing.
No, I would say that this is not normal.
Anonymous
12/17/2018 11:40
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Here is my perspective -
the DH does not consider his pre marriage assets joint - and feels free to use these as he feels he wants to (like the boys ski vacation)
the joint assets are not enough to cover current family lifestyle - mortgage / childcare / family items
When pre marriage money is used for current life it frustrates him. It is like he is drawing from a special account that is all his and sharing it with his family eats away at him.
It might be that his investments are not doing as well as he thought. Maybe there is stress at work?
Anyway - the OP said that her DH is great with this area of exception - but this is a big area to ignore.
Honest question, where do you see that he is great with this area of exception. I read the whole thread but don't remember that.
It sounds like there were a lot of red flags about his behavior with money and his selfishness before marriage, and OP married him anyway.
Anonymous
12/17/2018 11:15
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
Here is my perspective -
the DH does not consider his pre marriage assets joint - and feels free to use these as he feels he wants to (like the boys ski vacation)
the joint assets are not enough to cover current family lifestyle - mortgage / childcare / family items
When pre marriage money is used for current life it frustrates him. It is like he is drawing from a special account that is all his and sharing it with his family eats away at him.
It might be that his investments are not doing as well as he thought. Maybe there is stress at work?
Anyway - the OP said that her DH is great with this area of exception - but this is a big area to ignore.
the DH does not consider his pre marriage assets joint - and feels free to use these as he feels he wants to (like the boys ski vacation)
the joint assets are not enough to cover current family lifestyle - mortgage / childcare / family items
When pre marriage money is used for current life it frustrates him. It is like he is drawing from a special account that is all his and sharing it with his family eats away at him.
It might be that his investments are not doing as well as he thought. Maybe there is stress at work?
Anyway - the OP said that her DH is great with this area of exception - but this is a big area to ignore.
Anonymous
12/17/2018 10:37
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
While he is on the ski vacation, make plans with a divorce attorney. Get your own credit card.
Anonymous
12/17/2018 10:32
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
While he is on the ski vacation, start digging around in for all asset information. Also, do YOU check the CC statement to see where he is spending $$ ?
Anonymous
12/17/2018 09:54
Subject: Advice needed: Is this financial control or just a typical CPA spouse?
He doesn't have to include any of his assets and investments on your tax return?