Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have dated men who make less than me. I recently ended a 2 year relationship with someone who made under 100k and was divorced with 2 kids. The financial instability since he was paying child support became too much for me. I grew up in a very financially stable family and I’ll leave it at that. I value stability. I think some of you are right and I can rethink my “threshold”, but maybe you can see where I am coming from a bit better. I can compromise on income but not to the point where I had (meaning no more partners with children if they don’t have a sufficient enough income to have financial stability).

Judging from some of the rest of the comments, it seems like if you’re single, it’s a prerequisite to be thin before you can have a child or adopt. Seen plenty of overweight married women with children, but that’s good to know.

OP, finally, things are starting to make sense. If you just ended a relationship, of course you’re thinking in absolutes - that you will never date someone who makes less money than you ever again. It also makes sense that you’re thinking about what you want out of life and how to get it. I don’t want to minimize your feelings, but adoption seems like the equivalent of a rebound as coping mechanism. Give yourself time to heal and get perspective.

There’s a ted talk by Amy Webb about hacking online dating that reminds me of you. She’s a great statistician (who’s also overweight) and wanted a family. She talks about disasters in dating and deciding to use her knowledge of algorithms to find her match. Coincidentally her story begins right after a breakup of a long relationship when she was feeling really hopeless. It ends with her daughter. She’s hilarious too, so it’s a fun listen.

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating/up-next

financial stability in a partner is a good goal. It’s also good to know that you don’t want to be a stepmom. That said, it’s very very likely that you will meet someone who will be a good match for you and you can build a family together. It’s much easier to raise children (adopted or not) with a partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT wait. I had a baby at 39 and it’s exhausting and I’m now 44 and haven’t been able to have a second. I think it’s fine to want a man who makes a good income but setting a hard line at 150k is weird. The bigger issue is your weight. You are going to have a very hard time meeting someone as a size 16. Also are you pursuing adoption through foster care? Are you prepared for a child who will have high needs due to neglect or abuse? A child of a different race? If you want a healthy white infant assume you will be spending closer to 65k. Single and overweight isn’t going to make you a popular candidate to a lot of birth mothers so you will a national search. Cheaper and easier to get a sperm donation and try through IUI or IVF.

Myth.

The birth mother of my kid was 40. The birth father was 46. Healthy white Caucasian newborn.

Look to the southern states.

This was t about the birth mother it’s about the adopting parent. It’s not a myth at all that adopting a healthy white infant is challenging and expensive. And with so many open adoptions it’s even more challenging. If I was giving up an infant my
Preference would be to a two parent household.

The point is, this birth mom wasn’t some doe-eyed 20-year old. People on this thread, from their privileged perch, are saying that IF they were placing a child for adoption, they wouldn’t pick a single mom. But in the real world, ACTUAL birth parents placing kids pick single moms plenty of times.

Thank you. I’m pretty sure most putting their children up for adoption do not come from great means and would be happy to place their child with someone who has a wonderful, educated, well off, stable, family. Even if the adoptive mother is carrying around 50 extra pounds and doesn’t have a husband. But that’s just me. Unlike a lot of you, i also have no race qualifiers. I would welcome any baby; black, white or purple. - op

Anonymous wrote:
If I was a birthmom, I would never pick a single overweight woman to adopt my baby.

Adoption is going to be a long road for you.

With this profile, I adopted in just over a year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT wait. I had a baby at 39 and it’s exhausting and I’m now 44 and haven’t been able to have a second. I think it’s fine to want a man who makes a good income but setting a hard line at 150k is weird. The bigger issue is your weight. You are going to have a very hard time meeting someone as a size 16. Also are you pursuing adoption through foster care? Are you prepared for a child who will have high needs due to neglect or abuse? A child of a different race? If you want a healthy white infant assume you will be spending closer to 65k. Single and overweight isn’t going to make you a popular candidate to a lot of birth mothers so you will a national search. Cheaper and easier to get a sperm donation and try through IUI or IVF.

Myth.

The birth mother of my kid was 40. The birth father was 46. Healthy white Caucasian newborn.

Look to the southern states.

This was t about the birth mother it’s about the adopting parent. It’s not a myth at all that adopting a healthy white infant is challenging and expensive. And with so many open adoptions it’s even more challenging. If I was giving up an infant my
Preference would be to a two parent household.

The point is, this birth mom wasn’t some doe-eyed 20-year old. People on this thread, from their privileged perch, are saying that IF they were placing a child for adoption, they wouldn’t pick a single mom. But in the real world, ACTUAL birth parents placing kids pick single moms plenty of times.

OP here. I have dated men who make less than me. I recently ended a 2 year relationship with someone who made under 100k and was divorced with 2 kids. The financial instability since he was paying child support became too much for me. I grew up in a very financially stable family and I’ll leave it at that. I value stability. I think some of you are right and I can rethink my “threshold”, but maybe you can see where I am coming from a bit better. I can compromise on income but not to the point where I had (meaning no more partners with children if they don’t have a sufficient enough income to have financial stability).

Judging from some of the rest of the comments, it seems like if you’re single, it’s a prerequisite to be thin before you can have a child or adopt. Seen plenty of overweight married women with children, but that’s good to know.

If I was a birthmom, I would never pick a single overweight woman to adopt my baby.

Adoption is going to be a long road for you.

I was a size 18 when I married my dh and have been the same size or less the whole 20+ years; if you get outside of DC, size does not matter as much as some people make it here. And, some people stay larger and their weight is fairly stable.

Also, 33 is very young. We did not consider adopting until in our late 30s and eventually decided not to do so because of the expenses and no guarantee. At 33 it would be a lot cheaper to have a few one night stands and have your baby own your own with no support from the guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you reject men that make less than you? A guy who sits around his mom’s house playing video games, sure, skip...but you’d pass on a great guy who is a high school history teacher making 60-70k in a nice secure job with good benefits and decent quality of life? I think you really need to do some difficult thinking. A lot of great, smart people don’t make 150k especially in their early to mid 30s.

It doesn’t benefit a woman to marry a man who makes significantly less than she does.

I’d have to agree

Yea, well if you want to continue to play by those rules, men should marry a woman who is a size 16 at age 34. She's going to be an absolute whale at 44 and will need a forklift to get her out of bed by 54.

Of course if you have a fat fetish, go all out.

I met my second DH at 38.5 years old, size 16, and I was divorced with two kids. He’s good looking and outearned me (still does), but we’re both professionals with advanced degrees. No fat fetish. I’m the only heavy woman he has ever been with. Almost 10 years later, I weigh the same.

Egg freezing isn’t as effective as people think. Frozen embryos do better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT wait. I had a baby at 39 and it’s exhausting and I’m now 44 and haven’t been able to have a second. I think it’s fine to want a man who makes a good income but setting a hard line at 150k is weird. The bigger issue is your weight. You are going to have a very hard time meeting someone as a size 16. Also are you pursuing adoption through foster care? Are you prepared for a child who will have high needs due to neglect or abuse? A child of a different race? If you want a healthy white infant assume you will be spending closer to 65k. Single and overweight isn’t going to make you a popular candidate to a lot of birth mothers so you will a national search. Cheaper and easier to get a sperm donation and try through IUI or IVF.

Myth.

The birth mother of my kid was 40. The birth father was 46. Healthy white Caucasian newborn.

Look to the southern states.

This was t about the birth mother it’s about the adopting parent. It’s not a myth at all that adopting a healthy white infant is challenging and expensive. And with so many open adoptions it’s even more challenging. If I was giving up an infant my
Preference would be to a two parent household.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you reject men that make less than you? A guy who sits around his mom’s house playing video games, sure, skip...but you’d pass on a great guy who is a high school history teacher making 60-70k in a nice secure job with good benefits and decent quality of life? I think you really need to do some difficult thinking. A lot of great, smart people don’t make 150k especially in their early to mid 30s.

It doesn’t benefit a woman to marry a man who makes significantly less than she does.

I’d have to agree

Yea, well if you want to continue to play by those rules, men should marry a woman who is a size 16 at age 34. She's going to be an absolute whale at 44 and will need a forklift to get her out of bed by 54.

Of course if you have a fat fetish, go all out.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't adopt at your age. I also wouldn't freeze your eggs if you know you'll prefer to adopt if you're going to be a single parent.

Also, I'd closely examine your perspective. Size 16 is plus size, but is not morbidly obese. It's a fairly common size in the grand scheme of things. Do you know no women who've dated successfully at that size? Because I do. And some have married successful men who make $150+. However, these guys might be balding, or bigger dudes themselves. Are you refusing to settle for anything but a well-off guy who looks like a fitness model? Or are you just after a smart, ambitious professional who may or may not have a physique similar to yours?

Have you, or any of the other posters telling OP to wait, actually adopted a child as a single woman?