Anonymous wrote:How do you know a guy is a loser?

I’m dating a 29 year old who has a masters degree in a liberal arts field, has been consistently employed since he graduated and gets promoted every year even though he currently only makes 100k. He works a lot and seems capable in his profession.

The red flags that seem loserish to me:
- beholden to his mom. Must see family twice a week. It’s very hard for him to break engagements with them.
- his mom buys him clothes. He never shops for himself.
- she also texts him to remind him to get his hair cut and go to the dentist.
- his friends are so immature. Either underemployed or are just not ready to settle down at all. Approaching 30 and none of them are married.
- he doesn’t have any hobbies or passions outside his job. He plays video games and reads.
- eats poorly. Doesn’t excercise. Sleeps in till 1 pm on weekends.

Am I being too picky?

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's focus on $100k bizarre. Someone age 29 would have graduated from college and/or grad school in the great recession, which was particularly painful to young people. They are a lost generation where so many missed so many years of income accumulation. While people in certain industries (tech, medicine) may have fared okay and with good salaries, i don't think $100k is particularly normal for a lot of kids in this generation.

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound immature. So does the tux douche-bag poster.

In any event, now that most of our circle is in their 40s, i think i can use hindsight to see what traits at 29 took friends down the loser versus not loser path.

The ONLY things i think the "non loser" men had in common 20 years ago is:

- Hardworking
- Kind

Seriously. That's it.

I look at our circle of successful marriages (happy partnerships, still love each other, limited resentment, no real financial worries (anywhere from middle class to super rich)) and i can think of guys who, twenty years ago:
- were student poor
- were minimum wage poor
- "only" made $50k
- didn't go to college
- played video games (they all did)
- slept in (they all did)
- didn't tend to appointments (common)
- didn't have a tux (horror!)
- slept in late (this is also really common. DH and i were always 10:30am on weekends in our 20s!)
- don't read (DH still doesn't read books!)
- don't eat well (ahh to be 20 again and eat like shit)
- didn't have married friends (most of our circle went to grad school, which really pushes off guy's marrying age to their 30s)
- didn't keep their apartment clean or lived in dirty group houses

None of these are red flags at 29. Age 29 is a time when a lot of people are still in their life-building years and making sacrifices for the future.

But if i were a guy and knew OP were keeping checklists like this, I would think she was a major loser.

PS on the mom thing, i don't think that makes him a loser. But it is a red flag to be aware of if you are considering marriage. That mom will always be hovering.

Anonymous wrote:IMO, a loser...

...is complacent about important aspects of his life like career, education, or finances
...when asked, doesn't have clear life goals
...doesn't know how to do everyday things for himself (like cooking, laundry)
...doesn't care about his health or appearance
...doesn't care about your satisfaction in bed

Worst of all, he blames others for his issues.

Anonymous wrote:Lazy and/or spendthrift. Substance abuse issues. Most other issues can be dealt with by the right person.

Anonymous wrote:I would not date someone who at 29 did not make doctors appointments and hair appointments on his own. Yikes. I also would not date someone who plays video games.