Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

You need to talk to someone about this. Do you have just one friend who won’t judge won’t gossip and will let you just vent about it? It’s a feature of trauma that the more you repeat the story, the less power it has. Also - you can journal you thoughts - that helps to release it a bit.

For me, I cry more when I feel disempowered and helpless. Try to re-frame that - you may feel helpless that you can’t force your husband to stop cheating and helpless that your life is going to change in a way that you didn’t want, but in a way you are becoming more empowered because you are taking your life back from this chaos-making man and getting in control again. When you hug your kids don’t think that you are sad they will experience divorce, but happy they will grow up with at least one happy, healthy, stable home. People always think two parents are better, but that is not always the case. Psychology literature says that kids can thrive if they just have at least one healthy stable adult in their life.

To the “what’s wrong”? Question I would just say. “It’s nothing, I’m just tired.”

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

r u positive it's the right woman?

OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

Don't have sex with him. Fake a UTI or yeast infection or something if you need and explanation for why. Get tested for stds. Talk to a lawyer Monday. Find out if in your state adultery can affect divorce settlement - I know it can in some. If you don't have a job, don't get one until alimony and child settlement is settled. Find out from the lawyer if there's anything illegal about taking screen shots of his texts etc. Try to gather as much evidence as you can to the extent it is legal to do so.

Get some money he cannot touch. Don’t hide it from him after you’ve launched your divorce, but have it in an account just in your name.

Consult a lawyer. In Virginia at least being able to prove adultery might make a difference in alimony. Child support won’t be affected. Most other jurisdictions it just means you get divorced a bit quicker.

If you and he have sex more than 1x a week encourage him to go drinking so he won’t expect sex from you. Having sex after the discovery can be seen as ‘condoning’ and cancels out previous adultery.

If it’s just garden variety adultery it isn’t going to affect child support or custody. Now if he’s traveling 60% of the time it would but travel would even if he were a total Boy Scout.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You found a bunch of evidence he's cheating and want to have a conversation to see how you feel? Where is your backbone and pride. Let me guess, your are a SAHM who would rather be humiliated by a husband who openly cheats than get a job and downsize.

And stay with an spouse coming home drunk two days a week. Get a little pride.

I’m going to have to agree with these posters. The only conversation I would have with him is what does custody and living arrangement looks like to you now that I know you have cheated, I want a divorce. And f all the details, he cheated, nothing needed for why or how.

Anonymous wrote:You found a bunch of evidence he's cheating and want to have a conversation to see how you feel? Where is your backbone and pride. Let me guess, your are a SAHM who would rather be humiliated by a husband who openly cheats than get a job and downsize.

And stay with an spouse coming home drunk two days a week. Get a little pride.

You found a bunch of evidence he's cheating and want to have a conversation to see how you feel? Where is your backbone and pride. Let me guess, your are a SAHM who would rather be humiliated by a husband who openly cheats than get a job and downsize.

Anonymous wrote:If your life would change big time in a negative way, stay put. Work it out. Leave after the kids are out of college.

If your life would not negatively change, move on.

NewsFlash: When a spouse is cheating, life has already changed big time in a negative way. People whose spouse has cheated have no good options left, only bad ones - do I stay with my cheating spouse and continue to suffer the heartbreak and uncertainty that comes with that (when he could leave at any time and do any number of other irresponsible things) OR do I end this relationship and suffer a divorce with all the attendant financial hardship and heartbreak for the kids? No good choices.

I decided to end it because I would prefer to live with my life under my own control rather than with a loose canon that could explode at any moment.

BTW, there is nothing to “work out” with a cheater. How can you have some kind of negotiation and come to an agreement with a guy who has already demonstrated that he is willing to lie and break the most important agreement in your life?

If your life would change big time in a negative way, stay put. Work it out. Leave after the kids are out of college.

If your life would not negatively change, move on.

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone is saying he is an alcoholic. Getting drunk ( who knows how drunk) 1-2 times a week does not mean he is an alcoholic.

Yes, it is. Getting drunk weekly is a big sign of alcoholism. It takes a day to recover. That's 4 days lost a week to drinking. One day of drunkiness, one day to recover. Rinse and repeat.

How do you raise kids being drunk two days out of the week.

I love how everyone is saying he is an alcoholic. Getting drunk ( who knows how drunk) 1-2 times a week does not mean he is an alcoholic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying gather evidence - why? The advice on here is always that judges don’t care if there was cheating, it doesn’t get you anything more in a divorce or custody dispute

I kept the evidence for myself only and did not share it with anyone. It was for myself only. It helped me through the lies he continued to tell. It helped during him trying to convince me I was making more of it than it was, or imagining things. It helped me to have it when I was wavering on whether to divorce or not. I stumbled upon the evidence though and did not seek to gather much more, other than to confirm.

This.

OP here. Thank you for all of the constructive feedback. I don’t know what I want out of this. What I most want to do is discuss it with DH and see how I feel after that - being wide eyed about what I’m likely to hear in that conversation. But not yet....I’m just trying to stay level headed for now. And get tested for STDs.

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying gather evidence - why? The advice on here is always that judges don’t care if there was cheating, it doesn’t get you anything more in a divorce or custody dispute

I kept the evidence for myself only and did not share it with anyone. It was for myself only. It helped me through the lies he continued to tell. It helped during him trying to convince me I was making more of it than it was, or imagining things. It helped me to have it when I was wavering on whether to divorce or not. I stumbled upon the evidence though and did not seek to gather much more, other than to confirm.