Anonymous
11/08/2018 10:56
Subject: Re:SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input.
My husband's mother is very overbearing and narcissistic. When you tell her she has done something wrong, she will deny deny deny. She cannot do anything wrong and it always someone else's fault or it is a "misunderstanding." Or she will cry and play victim until the person confronting her feels bad and lets it go.
Her husband doesn't dare speak up to her, DH and SIL fall for every one of her tricks and get manipulated by her.
My husband HAS told her to be nice and inclusive to me. She tries, she gets me nice presents, gives me hugs but then also gets drunk and can't help but let her true feelings out which is that her son made a mistake by marrying me and that I am taking her son away etc etc. That I am not a good fit for him or a good partner etc etc
SIL is MIL's minion and is #teammommy and as such tries her best to ignore me and make me feel like I don't belong. She always displays mean girl behavior by making sure none of their cousins like me etc
DH has told them to be nice and treat me kindly as "my wife is sensitive."
It seems to go in one ear and out the other.
We are going to a therapist who DH tells that he has done everything he can but that his family are difficult and won't listen. He also told her that he is intimated by his sister as she will freak out and get mean so he just lets her be.
Meanwhile she said that their behavior isn't DH's fault and I need to make peace with them and not take them so personally.
Sorry OP...but the problem is a self-admittedly spineless husband AND a bad therapist.
Here's the thing though: Probably one of the things that attracted you to him (and him to you, frankly) was that you liked his non-confrontational easy-going manner and he liked that you would take charge like he is used to.
Not that you are LIKE SIL or MIL (not saying that, exactly...just that you are MORE like them--assertive, free to speak up, etc.-- that HE is.) See? He chose what was familiar to him in terms of the power dynamic. But uh-oh...that creates conflict and DH doesn't know how to deal so he just appeases. And he thinks he is appeasing everyone by not taking sides or by only getting just slightly upset and putting a bandaid on the situation.
The minute the drunk MIL came out with spewing of her "true feelings" is when she should no longer have been welcome in your home. Not because you are "sensitive" but because she is actively undermining your marriage commitment. Marriage is hard even WITHOUT our "loved ones" working against us.
Sorry OP, but I would tell him I've had enough and leave. Before you have kids. This will never end.
Anonymous
11/08/2018 10:42
Subject: Re:SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
OP here. Thanks for your input.
My husband's mother is very overbearing and narcissistic. When you tell her she has done something wrong, she will deny deny deny. She cannot do anything wrong and it always someone else's fault or it is a "misunderstanding." Or she will cry and play victim until the person confronting her feels bad and lets it go.
Her husband doesn't dare speak up to her, DH and SIL fall for every one of her tricks and get manipulated by her.
My husband HAS told her to be nice and inclusive to me. She tries, she gets me nice presents, gives me hugs but then also gets drunk and can't help but let her true feelings out which is that her son made a mistake by marrying me and that I am taking her son away etc etc. That I am not a good fit for him or a good partner etc etc
SIL is MIL's minion and is #teammommy and as such tries her best to ignore me and make me feel like I don't belong. She always displays mean girl behavior by making sure none of their cousins like me etc
DH has told them to be nice and treat me kindly as "my wife is sensitive."
It seems to go in one ear and out the other.
We are going to a therapist who DH tells that he has done everything he can but that his family are difficult and won't listen. He also told her that he is intimated by his sister as she will freak out and get mean so he just lets her be.
Meanwhile she said that their behavior isn't DH's fault and I need to make peace with them and not take them so personally.
My husband's mother is very overbearing and narcissistic. When you tell her she has done something wrong, she will deny deny deny. She cannot do anything wrong and it always someone else's fault or it is a "misunderstanding." Or she will cry and play victim until the person confronting her feels bad and lets it go.
Her husband doesn't dare speak up to her, DH and SIL fall for every one of her tricks and get manipulated by her.
My husband HAS told her to be nice and inclusive to me. She tries, she gets me nice presents, gives me hugs but then also gets drunk and can't help but let her true feelings out which is that her son made a mistake by marrying me and that I am taking her son away etc etc. That I am not a good fit for him or a good partner etc etc
SIL is MIL's minion and is #teammommy and as such tries her best to ignore me and make me feel like I don't belong. She always displays mean girl behavior by making sure none of their cousins like me etc
DH has told them to be nice and treat me kindly as "my wife is sensitive."
It seems to go in one ear and out the other.
We are going to a therapist who DH tells that he has done everything he can but that his family are difficult and won't listen. He also told her that he is intimated by his sister as she will freak out and get mean so he just lets her be.
Meanwhile she said that their behavior isn't DH's fault and I need to make peace with them and not take them so personally.
Anonymous
11/08/2018 07:51
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
Same thing happened to me early in my marriage with BIL and MIL. Get out now. Seriously. I know you are newly married and majorly in love but unless your husband is laying down the gauntlet and seriously ending this BS, you will have a life of drama. I hate my in laws but have to pretend to get along for the sake of my son and husband. I wish I was stronger 15 years ago and left. It was a precursor to a lot of other issues, these people raised your husband and he lived this life. This is what he knows - the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as they say. Or get lots of marriage therapy, now!
Anonymous
11/08/2018 07:46
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
OP, can you try to explain this from the SIL's perspective. I still don't have the information to know where she is coming from and you haven't tried to give it. Saying she had a personality problem isn't helpful to us.
Anonymous
11/08/2018 07:40
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
OP, why are t you two spendings any holidays with your family?
Anonymous
11/08/2018 07:38
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.
Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that.
OP.
Husband has told his mom and sister to knock it off. They don't really listen to him either. Our counselor said that he cannot change their behavior and the best strategy is to avoid them/limit contact.
Husband says he is happy to stand up for me but he cannot miss holidays with them as they are his family and he could never do that.
Well, you don't have to go. Don't make babies until you figure out how you intend to make at least some holidays joyful. Decide if you are willing to sacrifice all the holidays for this, because that is what he is asking and it is not normal.
Anonymous
11/08/2018 06:35
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
The man probably has learned a host of placating methods because he has had to deal with these people since birth. He isn’t going to see this reasonably. OP, try to understand that he probably believes he is using the same bad coping methods to save you from more drama.
He will have to come to understand the need for boundaries on his own. You can’t make someone understand that. You can support him emotionally while he tried to navigate his abusive family. I watched my brother go through it with my mother. It took him about 10 years to understand his role in placating and enabling. He felt like it was his job in life, and the way he thought he was supposed to be a good man and son. He is in therapy now.
He will have to come to understand the need for boundaries on his own. You can’t make someone understand that. You can support him emotionally while he tried to navigate his abusive family. I watched my brother go through it with my mother. It took him about 10 years to understand his role in placating and enabling. He felt like it was his job in life, and the way he thought he was supposed to be a good man and son. He is in therapy now.
Anonymous
11/08/2018 00:27
Subject: Re:SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
Anonymous wrote:He's being two faced. He's telling you he supports you, but he wants to spend holidays with his family. He's really not supporting you.
He needs to grow up, but honestly, if you don't have kids and this is the way things are, I'd consider leaving him.
It doesn't sound like either one of you is very old. Leave now while it's still easy. Find someone else who is interested in cherishing you
OP, hold your husband's hands and look him in the eye and tell him "I am *your* family. And YOU are *my* family. Above all else. Or else nothing else from here on out makes any difference."
Until he stops viewing his family of origin as "my family" instead of YOU, OP, this is going to continue to be a problem. If his family of origin can't play nicely with you out of respect for him and his choices, they don't get to spend holidays with him. Or any other time, either. They treat you poorly because he allows them to. He keeps coming back for more b/c "family..." But YOU are his family now, OP. YOU! They can be included on that if and ONLY if they are kind to his wife.
Anonymous
11/08/2018 00:21
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.
Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that.
OP.
Husband has told his mom and sister to knock it off. They don't really listen to him either. Our counselor said that he cannot change their behavior and the best strategy is to avoid them/limit contact.
Husband says he is happy to stand up for me but he cannot miss holidays with them as they are his family and he could never do that.
OP, YOU are his family now and he's not standing up for you. He does't get that, yet. Mine didn't either. This will become a huge problem if you don't get this sorted out before you have kids. Get this resolved now.
-PP who wrote the letters.
How is he not on my side? He tells them to jump in the lake and doesn’t communicate with them for a while after they act out. They are still his family so he doesn’t want to cause them pain.
The problem is that these "consequences" for them acting badly have not been ENOUGH for them to consider it worth it to stop altogether. It just puts them off for a bit and then you and DH come back for more (at DH's insistence, no doubt.)
But if/when SIL tells you again that you are breaking up her family, you need to be straight with her and say "Oh Larla, I would never try to do that. I want DH to have a relationship with his sister and mother and I love all the things about DH that YOU do! But please understand that if you insist on pushing him to choose between us...his choice isn't going to be you because we are married. I think it's just better for everyone if we all try to get along."
Anonymous
11/08/2018 00:05
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
OP, until your husband can create some healthy boundaries, abide by them & most of all STICK TO THEM... these women will always have power over him.
Until they feel some true consequences of their actions, sadly This. Will. Never. End.
He's already said he can't cut them off... that's fine.
What he can do is make them accountable for their words & make them responsible for how they use them.
Read this OP.
Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0684868067/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Pl84Bb0C9YY4G
Until they feel some true consequences of their actions, sadly This. Will. Never. End.
He's already said he can't cut them off... that's fine.
What he can do is make them accountable for their words & make them responsible for how they use them.
Read this OP.
Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0684868067/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Pl84Bb0C9YY4G
Anonymous
11/07/2018 15:38
Subject: Re:SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
He's being two faced. He's telling you he supports you, but he wants to spend holidays with his family. He's really not supporting you.
He needs to grow up, but honestly, if you don't have kids and this is the way things are, I'd consider leaving him.
It doesn't sound like either one of you is very old. Leave now while it's still easy. Find someone else who is interested in cherishing you
He needs to grow up, but honestly, if you don't have kids and this is the way things are, I'd consider leaving him.
It doesn't sound like either one of you is very old. Leave now while it's still easy. Find someone else who is interested in cherishing you
Anonymous
11/07/2018 15:25
Subject: Re:SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
How is he not on my side? He tells them to jump in the lake and doesn’t communicate with them for a while after they act out. They are still his family so he doesn’t want to cause them pain.
He doesn’t want to cause them pain by cutting off contact due to their behavior. He is fine subjecting you to pain by making you soend the holidays with people who are openly hostile to you. See where the priorities lie?
+1 They're more important than you are. It shouldn't come down to a 'me or them' but by his actions he is telling you their feelings are more important than yours and that it is okay for them to treat you disrespectfully.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Anonymous
11/06/2018 15:36
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
You don't have many options since your DH enables their behavior. It's been going on issue like you said, and your DH refuses to put a stop to it. He should have told them to stop disrespecting you or else.
I'm sorry but it's a family bully. They won't stop unless you stand up for yourself.
You could also choose to not going with your DH, but of course they will use that opportunity to bad mouth you with him.
I feel for you.
I'm sorry but it's a family bully. They won't stop unless you stand up for yourself.
You could also choose to not going with your DH, but of course they will use that opportunity to bad mouth you with him.
I feel for you.
Anonymous
11/06/2018 06:50
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
I have a toxic mother. We used to just drink and disregard whatever stupid stuff she said to us. She isn’t invited anymore.
How they feel will never, ever be based in reality. You can’t come to any sort of reasonable agreement. When they say something stupid, just give a standard response like “thanks for sharing.” You won’t ever win with these people. Just learn to ignore them.
How they feel will never, ever be based in reality. You can’t come to any sort of reasonable agreement. When they say something stupid, just give a standard response like “thanks for sharing.” You won’t ever win with these people. Just learn to ignore them.
Anonymous
11/05/2018 22:53
Subject: SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.
Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that.
OP.
Husband has told his mom and sister to knock it off. They don't really listen to him either. Our counselor said that he cannot change their behavior and the best strategy is to avoid them/limit contact.
Husband says he is happy to stand up for me but he cannot miss holidays with them as they are his family and he could never do that.
OP, YOU are his family now and he's not standing up for you. He does't get that, yet. Mine didn't either. This will become a huge problem if you don't get this sorted out before you have kids. Get this resolved now.
-PP who wrote the letters.
How is he not on my side? He tells them to jump in the lake and doesn’t communicate with them for a while after they act out. They are still his family so he doesn’t want to cause them pain.
He doesn’t want to cause them pain by cutting off contact due to their behavior. He is fine subjecting you to pain by making you soend the holidays with people who are openly hostile to you. See where the priorities lie?