Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, something sent you to marital counseling. How do you expect that to change if you're not willing to make any changes?

We are in counseling to avoid divorce. We have been at a disconnect for a while now. Bickering about stupid stuff. DH had an affair ( emotional) for a few months after hismom died. That is over, he’s changed jobs etc.

I do want things to get better, but I don’t think it’s fair to make the kids responsible for that.

He had an affair because he isn't connecting with you.
He isn't connecting with you because you don't have enough (any) one on one time.
You don't have enough (any) one on one time because there is a three year old in your bedroom.

Your DH may love having you as his wife but also wants a friend and partner.

Don't listen to this poster.

He had an affair because he has maladaptive coping mechanisms.

You can't bubble wrap your life adults need to learn to deal with adversity without drugs, alcohol and affairs.

Let’s be clear, he had an emotional affair, not a physical affair. Emotional affairs are much easier to fall into without even realizing it because they lack the physical aspect that makes clear you’ve crossed a line. Someone who doesn’t feel connected with their spouse and whose emotional needs aren’t being met in their marriage can find themselves in an emotional affair despite the best of intentions and without “maladaptive coping mechanisms.”

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have prioritized your kids over your marriage. No wonder you are in counseling. The emotional affair is wrong but probably the result of you not prioritizing your marriage. You keep responding that he has plenty of sex but sex is not the only thing in a marriage. My marriage bed is where my husband and i have some of our most intimate conversations. I can't imagine allowing the kids interfere with that.
With regards to the activities. The kids will get over it. I can assure you they would rather halve an intact family than activities. They won't stay in all those activities ifnyoubare divorced.

Make a s

+100

My parents divorced when I was in college, my one sister in middle school and youngest in elementary and there is no activity we were involved in that was worth our parents marriage. And whatever activities we did back then, none of them continued beyond high school. At all those life events, college graduation, wedding, 1st birthday for my daughter, holidays it would have been much easier if my parents were still together. I still feel a little pang. The crazy thing is I wish they had faught for their marriage because deep down I think they did love each other. But they stayed together to stay together for awhile rather than work on their marriage, listen to each other, and compromise when things started to take a turrn. Then at a certain point, there was probably too much resentment to even try.

And OP, I get some of feeling like you get a do-over in the sense of doing things differently than your parents now that you have control in the situation. But realize it’s not an all or nothing and you have to account for your spouse’s perspective. While it was hard to say no to my kids in regards to activities, it’s actually a life skill to be able to prioritize and not take on everything until you are overwhelmed. Don’t think of it as doing your kids a disservice, think of teaching them about tradeoffs, making a decision, etc. Key is you want them to be involved in something but don’t want them to be doing everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, something sent you to marital counseling. How do you expect that to change if you're not willing to make any changes?

We are in counseling to avoid divorce. We have been at a disconnect for a while now. Bickering about stupid stuff. DH had an affair ( emotional) for a few months after hismom died. That is over, he’s changed jobs etc.

I do want things to get better, but I don’t think it’s fair to make the kids responsible for that.

He had an affair because he isn't connecting with you.
He isn't connecting with you because you don't have enough (any) one on one time.
You don't have enough (any) one on one time because there is a three year old in your bedroom.

Your DH may love having you as his wife but also wants a friend and partner.

Don't listen to this poster.

He had an affair because he has maladaptive coping mechanisms.

You can't bubble wrap your life adults need to learn to deal with adversity without drugs, alcohol and affairs.

Did OP ever answer how many activities each child is in?

If I'm doing the math right, you and DH have been married for 16 years ... And there has been a child rooming in with you for that entire time? With perhaps an exception of a very short period between #3 and #4?

Yeah .... No. Just no. Shower sex is great as a novelty, but it doesn't provide not the intimacy that married partners need. You guys need a bedroom to yourselves.

One activity at a time is fine. Tell the kids to pick one per season. It can be one activity year round, or they can pick a different one each season.

Team DH here. Give it a try, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't your 16 year old driving? Problem solved.

He has adhd and we have decided to it’s not safe for him to drive right now.

This is what we did for our son with ADHD:we had him get his permit early and had him drive more than twice the required hours before he took Behind the Wheel. Your DC may be able to learn how to drive and there are safe ways to do this. Waiting will make things harder for him to get his license in the future. Virginia has a great pamflet about how each 30 minute driving lesson should go. You don’t leave the parking lot for several lessons.

Not the OP but have a daughter with ADHD. Thank you for this advice and perspective.

If your marriage is in trouble, then perhaps your youngest getting the same time in your bed will have to fall down the list.

Wouldn't he be happier in his own bed and with parents with a strong relationship? Your husband is telling you what he needs. Your marriage is in a crisis. Listen to him. Imagine he suddenly got sick and everything had to change -- this is similar.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When/where are you having sex?

There are other spaces to have sex other than bed/bedroom.

How often are you both having sex with each other?

In the shower a few times a week.

Doesn’t sound very intimate.

This is what I was going to write. OP, you and the DH need to connect more often, bin sexually and emotionally. A quick f*ck in the shower doesn't count. If you're looking for a way out of your marriage, proceed as you are.

OP, do you actually want to be married to your husband anymore? I’m not talking about whether you appreciate having another adult in the house to share chores, earn a paycheck and help take kids to activities, I’m talking about whether you still enjoy being with your husband, whether you value that relationship independent of your kids, whether you’ll want him around when the kids are grown and out of the house. You seem to be fighting really hard to avoid spending more than a token amount of time alone with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, something sent you to marital counseling. How do you expect that to change if you're not willing to make any changes?

We are in counseling to avoid divorce. We have been at a disconnect for a while now. Bickering about stupid stuff. DH had an affair ( emotional) for a few months after hismom died. That is over, he’s changed jobs etc.

I do want things to get better, but I don’t think it’s fair to make the kids responsible for that.

He had an affair because he isn't connecting with you.
He isn't connecting with you because you don't have enough (any) one on one time.
You don't have enough (any) one on one time because there is a three year old in your bedroom.

Your DH may love having you as his wife but also wants a friend and partner.

This forum rarely agrees on issues but here everyone is agreeing on this one that should tell something OP

You seem to have a lot of strongly held beliefs that have led you down this path. You don't seem to want to budge on any of those strongly held beliefs, so enjoy your divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When/where are you having sex?

There are other spaces to have sex other than bed/bedroom.

How often are you both having sex with each other?

In the shower a few times a week.

Doesn’t sound very intimate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously - get the 3 year old out of the bedroom and hire a babysitter/driver for kids’ activiites (Or get better at arranging car pools). Problem solved.

We agreed we wouldn’t pawn things off on babysitters. My parents frequently missed activities for work and had the babysitter stand in for them. I don’t want that for my kids.

But what you agreed to before just isn’t working. It was a nice theory, but in practice it’s harming your marriage. Do you really think your kids would rather have divorced parents than an occasional carpool?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't your 16 year old driving? Problem solved.

He has adhd and we have decided to it’s not safe for him to drive right now.

This is what we did for our son with ADHD:we had him get his permit early and had him drive more than twice the required hours before he took Behind the Wheel. Your DC may be able to learn how to drive and there are safe ways to do this. Waiting will make things harder for him to get his license in the future. Virginia has a great pamflet about how each 30 minute driving lesson should go. You don’t leave the parking lot for several lessons.