Anonymous
10/17/2018 09:24
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Op Here. Thanks for those who have *nicely* offered advice and perspective.
I'm not sure why everyone is hung up on my other child. To clarify, I do spend money and expend resources fairly equally between the two. However they have different needs. I'm not going to buy the one a football every time I buy his brother one (for example only) when that is not is activity.
To the poster who wondered how a child could *possibly* not NEED a car, lots of people don't drive. In fact, in my older teen's circle, many kids are choosing not to even get their licenses because they don't need them. Public transportation FTW!
To everyone who likes to play the DCUM guessing game + predictions of doom (musical instrument+snark I'm looking at you), get another hobby. It's not helpful.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and commiseration. Yes! Therapy! I'm in it. He's in it. Hopefully it will help in the long run.
I'm not sure why everyone is hung up on my other child. To clarify, I do spend money and expend resources fairly equally between the two. However they have different needs. I'm not going to buy the one a football every time I buy his brother one (for example only) when that is not is activity.
To the poster who wondered how a child could *possibly* not NEED a car, lots of people don't drive. In fact, in my older teen's circle, many kids are choosing not to even get their licenses because they don't need them. Public transportation FTW!
To everyone who likes to play the DCUM guessing game + predictions of doom (musical instrument+snark I'm looking at you), get another hobby. It's not helpful.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and commiseration. Yes! Therapy! I'm in it. He's in it. Hopefully it will help in the long run.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 08:48
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's not fair, OP, that one teen has to earn his spending money, while the other is engages in an activity and still gets the same spending privileges- an extracurricular is not a job.
If the activity is that valuable, you shouldn't have have other teen work- let them do an activity too then both have to live under more stringent spending rules. *Or* the teen who has the activity doesn't get the same spending privileges, because he didn't earn the money- it was given to him.
It comes across as favoritism and entitlement. I have an exceptionally talented tween too, and we live in an area where he can bag groceries for minimum wage starting at fourteen (with stringent work restrictions). He's excited to earn his own money in the summers and for a few hours on school year weekends.
As for your question about responsibility- my tween has ADHD and we do deal with him losing things or even accidentally breaking things. $20 is lost money- and he has a bank account with Christmas and grandma money. We withdraw a portion from it for egregious, irresponsible behavior- for instance, he gets a pass, or we evaluate how easily the situation could have been avoided, then make a decision. He's had to pay for coats and water bottles he loses at school, a broken laptop screen, etc.
pp again- if the other teen really likes to work (and I think a job is an equally valuable experience), you should give him the same money you give your other teen (the one with the activity that could lead to a career)-- and let the working teen save his money in a bank account. You're treating them differently, even if the working teen seems okay with that. Lower the amount you give to both- eating out regularly, losing money, losing metro cards, shouldn't be an option. Set the boundary- "you lose your metro card, that is your entire allowance for the next week" kind of thing.
I agree with this. I would give the same budget to the one who is working and the one who isn't. The one who is working will end up with a nice nest egg in college or whatever. He may not feel like he needs it now, but will appreciate having it later.
This will cause problems between these brothers- I know a family with two sports stars and a brother who had to pick up all of their slack. After the mom died, the brothers haven't spoken in a decade- relationship was ruined before it started. Don't do this to your kids.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 08:16
Subject: Re:Money stress and forgetful teen
Your kid is probably playing a music instrument. Good luck with that.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 06:42
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
It does sound like you are afraid of upsetting one of your sons, and that this allows him to control the relationship. It sounds like the less demanding son gets less and the brattier one gets more. You do come across as a fan of the brattier one. Any version of this is causing or will cause resentment even if the less demanding son doesn’t show it now or know it now. You are creating very bad habits for you and each of your sons.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 06:36
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll thread.
I wish I were a troll. This is something I'm really struggling with.
What you are really struggling with is your own feelings of not having the financial resources to make sure you kid is a sports star and that it is likely that since you don’t have those financial resources your DS will not realize a career in the sport.
At 13, you don’t know if the career will pan out and it’s really going to be ok to let go of that dream. If your DS is that talented, someone will step in to guide you on how to get him to the next level and help you get the financial support to do it. If that’s not happening, your DS is talented just like thousands of other local kids.
And your other kid? He wants to work so by the time he is 18 he has enough to say “See ya!” And walk out the door and not look back. You treat him like like the ball and chain you are forced to tote around that keeps you from devoting more time and resources to your star child.
In a normal conversational tone, ask your other kid if you think the situation as is fair to him and then listen to his answer and don’t answer with “Thats not true! Or you don’t understand or it’s different for other DS or he is so talented that he has to do this sport
I'm not going to explain why you're wrong about DS's activity, but just know that you are wrong about a lot of this.
I get that what I'm doing isn't working. That's why I'm asking for advice.
However, I will correct your perception of my relationship with other DS. He DOES get an allowance. He often CHOOSES to spend his own money on things because he wants to- even times when I say, "Hey do you need money to cover that movie?" he'll say, "No I've got it." Other times, he's totally fine to ask me for money. I do A LOT for other DS and he does not feel slighted- yes, we've discussed it. The kids are different and they get different resources.
You said yourself - you fill guilty you are a single parent and you are struggling with that guilt but there is no reason to feel guilty.
You hate the situation you painted yourself into. There is really no solution that will be offered that you will accept. Btw your kid resent sthe hell out of you but doesn’t tell you. I bet you ask questions like “you don’t mind do you?” So your kid feels forced to accept the situation as well.
Want to end your entitled kid? This is his last few months of the sport. After this, if he wants to continue he pays for it, arranges his own rides to practice and games, he must complete his chores at home and He must maintain good grades. He gets a set allowance. He wants more he works.
Btw does he threaten to move to his dad’s house if he doesn’t get his way?
Anonymous
10/16/2018 22:37
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
I think you need counseling. Your son is the boss of the house. You sound like you are star struck by him.
It isn't healthy for him to be entitled.
I am also not sure what kind of activity will mean he won't need a car? Is he becoming an astronaut? He presumably will have a life outside of his activity and will still want to drive.
Your dynamic with your kids sounds like it could use some fine tuning. An objective professional opinion could be very valuable.
It isn't healthy for him to be entitled.
I am also not sure what kind of activity will mean he won't need a car? Is he becoming an astronaut? He presumably will have a life outside of his activity and will still want to drive.
Your dynamic with your kids sounds like it could use some fine tuning. An objective professional opinion could be very valuable.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 22:17
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, is the activity ballet? If so, a male in ballet should get everything paid for by scholarships.
And yes, a talented male in ballet can easily have a good career. But that career will only last so long, and an injury can end it in a second. He needs to be able live within a budget and then he needs to have something else in mind that he can do as a follow on career. Yes, even at his age, it is smart to be thinking about what he will do after his ballet career.
Not OP but have son in ballet. Lol. No. Everything is not "paid for by scholarships"- yes. boys do have more opportunities than girls, but there are still plenty of expenses thank you very much.
Nowhere near what girls expenses are in ballet.
Just think of the pointe shoes alone...
Anonymous
10/16/2018 22:08
Subject: Re:Money stress and forgetful teen
I will say that my brother and I were raised in a similar fashion. My parents were married, but my dad frequently worked out of town or was based in a different city for the bulk of my brother's high school years.
I was the athlete and he was the studious, non athletic one. He worked, saved his money, etc. My parents would say that they were equitable and gave my brother things, but I can honestly say in retrospect I honestly don't think that could have been true, even though it wasn't apparent to me then.
Fast forward 20+ years. My brother and I have little to no relationship. He took on a very "I will do it myself with NO help" kind of attitude once he finished high school. Bought his own books, had jobs and used his own spending money during college. I can see now that he had a lot of built up resentment towards my parents and I. Now, I worked too, babysitting when I was younger and held jobs during the school year and in the summer when I could drive. But where I was willing to take and accept my parents help, he chose not to. Maybe he was just being prideful, I don't know.
So my answer to you is, I think you're trying to be equitable, but the boys know deep down that you are not. Whether that activity manifests into a career as you say in the long run, we'll never know. But the trench you're digging between your kids is real.
If he's not eating the lunch, don't pack it. Honestly. If it's that much on your mind about the money you're spending on wasted food, don't supply it. If he doesn't care that the food he's putting into his body, it's not going to serve him well in the long run. Don't guess anymore about the food he likes. Buy what you and your other son want to/will eat. He'll probably eat, too, because when he's hungry and he's out of the money you gave him, he won't have a choice.
I was the athlete and he was the studious, non athletic one. He worked, saved his money, etc. My parents would say that they were equitable and gave my brother things, but I can honestly say in retrospect I honestly don't think that could have been true, even though it wasn't apparent to me then.
Fast forward 20+ years. My brother and I have little to no relationship. He took on a very "I will do it myself with NO help" kind of attitude once he finished high school. Bought his own books, had jobs and used his own spending money during college. I can see now that he had a lot of built up resentment towards my parents and I. Now, I worked too, babysitting when I was younger and held jobs during the school year and in the summer when I could drive. But where I was willing to take and accept my parents help, he chose not to. Maybe he was just being prideful, I don't know.
So my answer to you is, I think you're trying to be equitable, but the boys know deep down that you are not. Whether that activity manifests into a career as you say in the long run, we'll never know. But the trench you're digging between your kids is real.
If he's not eating the lunch, don't pack it. Honestly. If it's that much on your mind about the money you're spending on wasted food, don't supply it. If he doesn't care that the food he's putting into his body, it's not going to serve him well in the long run. Don't guess anymore about the food he likes. Buy what you and your other son want to/will eat. He'll probably eat, too, because when he's hungry and he's out of the money you gave him, he won't have a choice.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 20:23
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Make hime earn it before you give it. That will eliminate the nagging. No work = no spending money.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 18:12
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
I’m a single parent, and instead of doing a budget with my kid (I make a good income, so money isn’t very tight), from day one I said “I don’t choose to spend my money on that”. When he was younger, I once told him we couldn’t afford something (it was something mega-ridiculous) and being the worrier he is, he was then convinced we were poor and going to be homeless. He handed me his piggy bank. He still thinks we’re poor but that’s only because we live in a super wealthy area and has no idea how fortunate we really are. In a few years we’ll have to worry about discretionary funds, and then it will probably be a combination of an allowance and getting a job (where he can ask, “who is FICA and why is she getting all my money?).
No is always an answer, and it doesn’t need a justification. Your kid has to learn that there is no money fairy to bail him out.
No is always an answer, and it doesn’t need a justification. Your kid has to learn that there is no money fairy to bail him out.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 15:52
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Birthday & Christmas. Two times a year to replenish what they have lost. If they haven't lost anything, they get to ask for other stuff. Two times a year means sometimes they have to wait a few months and do without. Winter coat was an exception on not-waiting but took him to Salvation Army, not going back to LL Bean.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 14:33
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:OP, is the activity ballet? If so, a male in ballet should get everything paid for by scholarships.
And yes, a talented male in ballet can easily have a good career. But that career will only last so long, and an injury can end it in a second. He needs to be able live within a budget and then he needs to have something else in mind that he can do as a follow on career. Yes, even at his age, it is smart to be thinking about what he will do after his ballet career.
Not OP but have son in ballet. Lol. No. Everything is not "paid for by scholarships"- yes. boys do have more opportunities than girls, but there are still plenty of expenses thank you very much.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 14:18
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
OP, is the activity ballet? If so, a male in ballet should get everything paid for by scholarships.
And yes, a talented male in ballet can easily have a good career. But that career will only last so long, and an injury can end it in a second. He needs to be able live within a budget and then he needs to have something else in mind that he can do as a follow on career. Yes, even at his age, it is smart to be thinking about what he will do after his ballet career.
And yes, a talented male in ballet can easily have a good career. But that career will only last so long, and an injury can end it in a second. He needs to be able live within a budget and then he needs to have something else in mind that he can do as a follow on career. Yes, even at his age, it is smart to be thinking about what he will do after his ballet career.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 14:04
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
You stated "You don't want your child to suffer because he is being raised by a single parent". That sounds like an excuse because plenty of in tack families have to BUDGET. Your budget can't handle all that your kid wants. He must cut back. How often does he got out with his friends and how much does he spend? Explain to him that you cannot do that any longer. Cut his budget in half or wherever you feel comfortable. He continues to ask for $$ because you always give it to him.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 14:03
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing and I know few people will understand this, but here it is. He IS super entitled. My behavior is going to have little impact on that. I want to preserve our relationship (and my sanity), but I don't have any illusions that putting him on a budget is going to make him less entitled (tried it).
You tried putting him on a budget once (for how long?) and didn't have immediate success so you just assume he'll be entitled forever? And you're cool with that? Then I guess you don't need our help.
If you want to change the dynamic, there are tons of sources online:
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/narcissistic-children-and-teens-does-your-child-act-entitled/
http://understandingteenagers.com.au/blog/8-ways-to-deal-with-entitled-teenagers/
That's my reaction. You give your kid a set allowance. He loses something? He can pay for a replacement out of his allowance, or wait until birthday/Christmas. He spends it on school lunches when he could have packed a lunch from home? His choice. He gets to practice making choices instead of expecting everything to be handed to him. You don't have to make the call about whether to replace X lost item or pay for Y thing. Stop making excuses for why nothing will work, and just do the obvious thing. And stick with it.