Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had the money I'd just let them stay in a rental under my name. Barring that send them to your parents.

But you know your sister best - was she ever the type of child to acknowledge boundaries and does she have the guts to recognize if/when her son is a danger to himself or others?

If she can't do either I'd get the exDH (if you know him well enough to determine he isn't a child predator) involved pronto and ask him what his thoughts are on his child and if necessary - you'll support him in a custody hearing as long as mental health treatment will be involved. If the child needs to be locked up, then he needs to be locked up.

Hard to say. She did push for him to get a mental evaluation. But, as far as her parenting goes, she lets a lot of things go. Perhaps because she knows he's a ticking time bomb? I know that the therapist said to get him involved in Yoga. I am not sure if its a mental issue or more of a behavioral one

If he spent a week in an inpatient hospital b/c of threats of harming himself, your sister would be getting more recommendations other than just yoga. If you're not a troll and your sister truly thinks everything is fine ask to go with her to see the kid's therapist. Seriously they would not have said just yoga.

NP. Here in DC area this exactly what would happen--if you didn't know where to look for mental health help for a minor. And if you didn't have excellent insurance.

OP. Can you tell us what region of the country you're in--the actual state especially would really help determine where to direct you here.

Anonymous wrote:
This is solid and spot on.

PS: OP, I'm catching up. Your sister being clear about her decisions and boundaries is a gift. That's clarity about how to proceed -- it is her choice at this point, right or wrong.

This is your chance to step back, be as compassionate as possible, and take the mental and physical space away from the center of this to decide what you can and cannot offer, if and when it comes up again.

Be kind, if you can. To them and to you. Kindness doesn't means giving in, but being as compassionate and clearheaded as you can, and with good boundaries. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:From what I know from friends whose kids have been in situations like this, it will be a difficult, emotional, time consuming and scary road from here to stability for this child. If sister and nephew are going to live with you through all this, you are going to need to plan for time off work and time away from your own kids to deal with this. The whole family will be affected. Fill out an FMLA certification form now (https://www.dol.gov/whd/forms/WH-380-F.pdf) and ask your sister to get your son's doctor to sign it. Line up family/friends who can care for your own kids as needed.

Your other option is to tell your sister -- as kindly and apologetically but clearly as possible -- that you do not have the time/money/emotional bandwidth to deal with this right now. Delineate what you can do, and be clear about your limits. (Can you help her find an apartment, see what public resources she qualifies for, look into shelters for women fleeing abusive partners, etc?) It will be hard to stick to any limits while they are living with you.

I don't know how many resources you or your sister have; only you can decide how much you can help her in this crisis. But it sounds like you are envisioning a level of assistance that you do not think you can provide. Tell her about your limits now, and try to get to a plan you both can live with.

This is solid and spot on.

Your sister is an ungrateful bitch OP.

You dodged a bullet, OP.

Your sister is an idiot with the trigger nonsense.

Don’t worry about your mom. Op, you did your best. It’s great that you cared.

OP that sounds like a lot. I’m glad your sister decided it was time to move on. If possible try not to be insulted, they’re under an insane amount of stress and none of this is your fault. I wouldn’t engage too much with your mom about it either. You tried your best and went above and beyond what many people, myself included, would’ve done.

Update.

So my nephew came home from the hospital on Saturday. Yesterday was his first day back at school.
He spent 3 hours sitting in the principles office because he got into a fist fight with another student.

My Sister was at a job interview when he got home, so I was the one home that had heard about it first.

I asked my nephew what happened and he told me he didn't want to talk about it. He said that his Mom told him that if he didn't want to talk about something, then he didn't have to and he wanted to wait until she got home.

I said, "Okay, but you need to start in on your homework then"
To that, he basically balled his fist up and told me that being told what to do is a "trigger" for him and that he could walk out the door and leave if he wanted too.

I texted my Sister letting her know what was going on, that everything was ok, but that I wanted her to be aware of what was going on because he said he was going to go to his room to call her.

She came home from the interview and went directly to his room where they stayed for the rest of the night until it came time for dinner.

I knocked on the door to tell them, "Time to eat"
They both came out, chatted about the weather, acting like nothing happened.

As they ate, I said, "What happened at school?"
She said, "Bobby got into a fist fight but it totally wasn't his fault and he's okay though and he learned a lesson"

Then she said, "I would appreciate it next time if he has something happen at school, if he doesnt want to talk about it, dont ask about it again. it's one of his triggers"

I said, "I didnt, i asked him to do his homework"

She didn't say much at all. Then this morning I woke up to a text from her saying, "Bobby and I are moving out today. i appreciate all your help and love you but Bobby needs to be handled differently than other kids right now and my therapist and I both agree he's being handled appropriately"

I told her I felt she was overreacting. She said she wasn't. Now my Mom is mad at me for all of this...

Anonymous wrote:

Life hasn’t changed in many ways b/c the op’s sister really hasn’t parented with any structure. This kid needs structure. I don’t think the op’s sister knows how to parent this child and it sounds as though something behavioral has been going on for a while separate from any ptsd diagnosis.

Good parenting doesn’t prevent mental illness.

I know that and it wasn’t the point. This child sounds like he’s been difficult to raise for a while b/c the sister is overwhelmed and not really rising to the occasion. I’m not blaming either.

I agree with pp, the sister probably needs some support herself.

Sounds like OPs sister may need mental health services as well. You have a lot on your hands OP.

Life hasn’t changed in many ways b/c the op’s sister really hasn’t parented with any structure. This kid needs structure. I don’t think the op’s sister knows how to parent this child and it sounds as though something behavioral has been going on for a while separate from any ptsd diagnosis.

Good parenting doesn’t prevent mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently, my sister and my nephew left their house in California to come live with me. She's leaving her husband of 10 years. Her son is 10 years old.

He's always had behavioral issues. He is an only child. My cousin babies him often and he usually gets his way. He's been suspended from school in california for bringing a knife to school.

Fast forward to this month. They have been living with me for 2 months now. Recently, he was put in a child mental hospital because he was diagnosed with PTSD. He was going in and out of his "mind" saying he was hearing voices, hitting his head, saying there was someone inside his head trying to kill him. At the hospital they had to restrain him.
He said his Dad physically abused him and apparently my sister said she never knew.
He threatened to kill himself several times at my house and was violent to my cousin and himself.

He's spent a week in Childrens Hospital Mental department and will be set to be cleared going home on Saturday.
I have three kids of my own.
Am I being a bitch to be nervous that he's not exactly 'better" in a week? My sister seems to think everything is great now and hasn't said much about what his diagnosis is or what the plan is for him when he comes home.

A week is about the typical amount of time for inpatient. In fact most around here are five days. The goal is stabilization not cure.

You say you don’t know much about the discharge but in fact you do. He is going into outpatient psych treatment and he is going into a special school program. I am sure he is also set up with an outpatient psychiatrist and will see that doctor within 30 days - it’s the standard in this area. I’m calling you out on this because you named the hospital and then put on a public forum that they discharge plan was unsafe.

I don’t know what the right thing is for you and your family. But a lot of people here are reacting to your description of the discharge plan as nothing more than a recommendation for yoga and that is disingenuous on your part.

Frankly your sister probably has very little information for you. Everything in her world as she knew it has changed and very quickly. It’s scary when your child becomes violent and when he wants to or tries to kill himself. There is nothing that has made me feel more helpless than knowing that I can’t keep my son safe.

And as far as the PP who mentioned chores and other parenting related things, life has changed and parenting has to change with the realities of adjusting to the mental illness. I imagine your sister will be walking on eggshells for awhile until she figures it out.

As I said I don’t know what’s right for your family. But I hope if you ask your sister to leave that you are gentle on her and support her as you can. Mental illness is not like cancer. She won’t have people showing up with dinner or offering to walk her dog. By the second or third hospitalization people won’t want to hear about it anymore. Her job will suffer because it requires a lot of time off from work. She’ll probably lose what friends she has because she won’t have time and when she does she’ll want to talk about her son and people won’t want to hear it. Financially she will take a hit because even if insurance covers 100%, there is the expense of travel to appointments and the inevitable quick stops for food.

I wish the best for your family. It is a long, hard and lonely road ahead.

I forgot to add -- let the parenting stuff go. Do not try to enforce some typical parental controls on the child right now. Your sister will have to figure that out but it seems completely counter productive at this point for you to try to set rules about things like screen time, etc.

Life hasn’t changed in many ways b/c the op’s sister really hasn’t parented with any structure. This kid needs structure. I don’t think the op’s sister knows how to parent this child and it sounds as though something behavioral has been going on for a while separate from any ptsd diagnosis.

Kick them out and send them to a shelter. Problem solved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently, my sister and my nephew left their house in California to come live with me. She's leaving her husband of 10 years. Her son is 10 years old.

He's always had behavioral issues. He is an only child. My cousin babies him often and he usually gets his way. He's been suspended from school in california for bringing a knife to school.

Fast forward to this month. They have been living with me for 2 months now. Recently, he was put in a child mental hospital because he was diagnosed with PTSD. He was going in and out of his "mind" saying he was hearing voices, hitting his head, saying there was someone inside his head trying to kill him. At the hospital they had to restrain him.
He said his Dad physically abused him and apparently my sister said she never knew.
He threatened to kill himself several times at my house and was violent to my cousin and himself.

He's spent a week in Childrens Hospital Mental department and will be set to be cleared going home on Saturday.
I have three kids of my own.
Am I being a bitch to be nervous that he's not exactly 'better" in a week? My sister seems to think everything is great now and hasn't said much about what his diagnosis is or what the plan is for him when he comes home.

A week is about the typical amount of time for inpatient. In fact most around here are five days. The goal is stabilization not cure.

You say you don’t know much about the discharge but in fact you do. He is going into outpatient psych treatment and he is going into a special school program. I am sure he is also set up with an outpatient psychiatrist and will see that doctor within 30 days - it’s the standard in this area. I’m calling you out on this because you named the hospital and then put on a public forum that they discharge plan was unsafe.

I don’t know what the right thing is for you and your family. But a lot of people here are reacting to your description of the discharge plan as nothing more than a recommendation for yoga and that is disingenuous on your part.

Frankly your sister probably has very little information for you. Everything in her world as she knew it has changed and very quickly. It’s scary when your child becomes violent and when he wants to or tries to kill himself. There is nothing that has made me feel more helpless than knowing that I can’t keep my son safe.

And as far as the PP who mentioned chores and other parenting related things, life has changed and parenting has to change with the realities of adjusting to the mental illness. I imagine your sister will be walking on eggshells for awhile until she figures it out.

As I said I don’t know what’s right for your family. But I hope if you ask your sister to leave that you are gentle on her and support her as you can. Mental illness is not like cancer. She won’t have people showing up with dinner or offering to walk her dog. By the second or third hospitalization people won’t want to hear about it anymore. Her job will suffer because it requires a lot of time off from work. She’ll probably lose what friends she has because she won’t have time and when she does she’ll want to talk about her son and people won’t want to hear it. Financially she will take a hit because even if insurance covers 100%, there is the expense of travel to appointments and the inevitable quick stops for food.

I wish the best for your family. It is a long, hard and lonely road ahead.

I forgot to add -- let the parenting stuff go. Do not try to enforce some typical parental controls on the child right now. Your sister will have to figure that out but it seems completely counter productive at this point for you to try to set rules about things like screen time, etc.

From what I know from friends whose kids have been in situations like this, it will be a difficult, emotional, time consuming and scary road from here to stability for this child. If sister and nephew are going to live with you through all this, you are going to need to plan for time off work and time away from your own kids to deal with this. The whole family will be affected. Fill out an FMLA certification form now (https://www.dol.gov/whd/forms/WH-380-F.pdf) and ask your sister to get your son's doctor to sign it. Line up family/friends who can care for your own kids as needed.

Your other option is to tell your sister -- as kindly and apologetically but clearly as possible -- that you do not have the time/money/emotional bandwidth to deal with this right now. Delineate what you can do, and be clear about your limits. (Can you help her find an apartment, see what public resources she qualifies for, look into shelters for women fleeing abusive partners, etc?) It will be hard to stick to any limits while they are living with you.

I don't know how many resources you or your sister have; only you can decide how much you can help her in this crisis. But it sounds like you are envisioning a level of assistance that you do not think you can provide. Tell her about your limits now, and try to get to a plan you both can live with.