Anonymous
10/04/2018 16:14
Subject: Re:Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
OP, it sounds like you just want someone to tell you it's OK to not go to DH's cousin's wedding. So, here it goes:
OP, it's OK to not go to the wedding. Your MIL is being ridiculous.
OP, it's OK to not go to the wedding. Your MIL is being ridiculous.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 15:01
Subject: Re:Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, did your DH attend his cousin's previous wedding(s)? If he didn't go to them before (which sounds possible if you're not sure how many times cousin has been married) then it seems reasonable to not be worried about making it to this destination wedding.
OP here. See, I had not considered questions like this one, so thank you. No, DH did not attend the other weddings, and usually does not attend his cousins' weddings, in general. My side seems to be a closer family, in general, more history and we have a lot to talk about. DH's family, not so much. His siblings and parents and their families live close, and we hardly see them. Dh's neices and nephews are much older than our children, and there is not a lot of interest. They do a once a year week long thing, and DH attends a few days to be polite, but for the most part, the nephews/nieces/ILs do not attend, and attendance falls each year. My impression is that DH's family is not all that interested in each other, maybe they show some attention to the mom because of her age, but that is just my impression. The few times someone has visited out of state, they seem to pass right by our house. I needed to hear from outside sources, I did not want to taint anyone's opinion. I just want to do the right thing, given the circumstances.
DP. In all of this, you have not mentioned what your husband wants to do. What does he want? And what does he think the family repercussions would be if he didn't attend the wedding on his side? I'm the one who posted the point about cultural issues where family events are about reunions and getting the family together and showing off children, etc. If he thinks that there may be some negative feedback in the future to him or your children for not attending, then you need to include that in your decision. You've mentioned how much negative feedback you'll get from your family over not going or not bringing your children. What about the same feedback from his family for the same? I would think that if you can at all afford it, the best idea is that you go to your family wedding with the kids and then he goes to his family wedding with the kids. I know it's expensive, but at least you'll save on one adult ticket for each trip. Also, if the person staying home can do some other work, even something like driving for Uber, then you might be able to make up cost of the kids tickets. I would guess that the kids will not cost extra for housing since they can share a room with you that you would already be paying for.
OP here. We can't afford two trips, but my side definitely wants to see the kids and DH, whereas DH's side is not as um...."friendly"? It has nothing to do with me, that is just how they are. I feel like if we went to DH's sides's wedding, it would be for MIL to somehow take credit (I know that seems crazy, it is just how she rolls). But I would never not go to DH's side's wedding for that reason. Problem is, we can only afford one wedding, and we (each of us- DH, me and kids) would rather attend as a (nuclear) family, no matter which of the two weddings it is. I know my opinion is slanted, and I am trying not to give too much information about that part. DH does not seem to care either way - if we went to his side's wedding it would be to "please" the unpleasable MIL. I am trying not to influence his input at all.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 14:58
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Whole family goes to first wedding, DH alone to second wedding if financials are fine. If not, decline second wedding completely.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 14:57
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, you could attend your cousins wedding and DH could attend his cousins wedding...
Do you have kids? That would be the only tricky part.
OP here. Yes, we have kids. So, separate trips, in this instance, is not a possibility - because BOTH sides want to see the children. It would have to be one wedding or the other.
Tell them to suck it up about the kids. Each parent goes to one wedding, so both get alone adult travel time and alone with kids time. Kids stay home.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 14:55
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You all go to first wedding. Drop kids with your parents to stay a month with them. You & DH return to pick up kids and attend the second wedding as a family before flying back home. That way kids don’t have to go thru jet lag x 2, and you save on one round of tickets for the kids.
If feasible and kids are over age 4 this is brilliant. The kids will have a lovely experience and memories to last a lifetime.
My parents are not physically able to babysit for a month? And they live in the states. OP here.
New poster here
Lol, right?
I'm always baffled when I see people offer this as a solution to a problem! Who are these people who are old enough to be fully retired and no other obligations (such as caring for their own elderly parents), yet young and spry enough to have the physical energy and patience to deal with young children non stop for a full month? All to accommodate the whims of their adult children? My parents and ILs would never, could never!
+1
And will they adopt me, because that situation sounds wonderful!
Anonymous
10/04/2018 14:17
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You all go to first wedding. Drop kids with your parents to stay a month with them. You & DH return to pick up kids and attend the second wedding as a family before flying back home. That way kids don’t have to go thru jet lag x 2, and you save on one round of tickets for the kids.
If feasible and kids are over age 4 this is brilliant. The kids will have a lovely experience and memories to last a lifetime.
My parents are not physically able to babysit for a month? And they live in the states. OP here.
New poster here
Lol, right?
I'm always baffled when I see people offer this as a solution to a problem! Who are these people who are old enough to be fully retired and no other obligations (such as caring for their own elderly parents), yet young and spry enough to have the physical energy and patience to deal with young children non stop for a full month? All to accommodate the whims of their adult children? My parents and ILs would never, could never!
Anonymous
10/04/2018 14:04
Subject: Re:Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, did your DH attend his cousin's previous wedding(s)? If he didn't go to them before (which sounds possible if you're not sure how many times cousin has been married) then it seems reasonable to not be worried about making it to this destination wedding.
OP here. See, I had not considered questions like this one, so thank you. No, DH did not attend the other weddings, and usually does not attend his cousins' weddings, in general. My side seems to be a closer family, in general, more history and we have a lot to talk about. DH's family, not so much. His siblings and parents and their families live close, and we hardly see them. Dh's neices and nephews are much older than our children, and there is not a lot of interest. They do a once a year week long thing, and DH attends a few days to be polite, but for the most part, the nephews/nieces/ILs do not attend, and attendance falls each year. My impression is that DH's family is not all that interested in each other, maybe they show some attention to the mom because of her age, but that is just my impression. The few times someone has visited out of state, they seem to pass right by our house. I needed to hear from outside sources, I did not want to taint anyone's opinion. I just want to do the right thing, given the circumstances.
DP. In all of this, you have not mentioned what your husband wants to do. What does he want? And what does he think the family repercussions would be if he didn't attend the wedding on his side? I'm the one who posted the point about cultural issues where family events are about reunions and getting the family together and showing off children, etc. If he thinks that there may be some negative feedback in the future to him or your children for not attending, then you need to include that in your decision. You've mentioned how much negative feedback you'll get from your family over not going or not bringing your children. What about the same feedback from his family for the same? I would think that if you can at all afford it, the best idea is that you go to your family wedding with the kids and then he goes to his family wedding with the kids. I know it's expensive, but at least you'll save on one adult ticket for each trip. Also, if the person staying home can do some other work, even something like driving for Uber, then you might be able to make up cost of the kids tickets. I would guess that the kids will not cost extra for housing since they can share a room with you that you would already be paying for.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 13:48
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think/want to do?
Go to the wedding on your side and MIL can suck it. International travel for a THIRD wedding? For someone your husband isn’t at all close too? No.
+100
Anonymous
10/04/2018 12:39
Subject: Re:Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Life is short, OP. Decide what you and DH want to do, and do that! Decide now that you will not allow yourself to be manipulated or made to feel badly for doing what you want to do, provided it’s legal. 
Going to a wedding in another country when the couple actually lives in that country is completely different from going to someone’s destination wedding. If you don’t want to or can’t afford the destination wedding, tell your MIL you’ve already RSVPed to the first wedding and you can’t afford both. She can either pay for your trip or let it go. Live your life, OP. Don’t let her make your feel badly about not attending the destination wedding of two people who you barely know who have already said I do to someone else. They do not care if you come or not. Chances are they just want a check and would be thrilled not to feed you at a reception.
Going to a wedding in another country when the couple actually lives in that country is completely different from going to someone’s destination wedding. If you don’t want to or can’t afford the destination wedding, tell your MIL you’ve already RSVPed to the first wedding and you can’t afford both. She can either pay for your trip or let it go. Live your life, OP. Don’t let her make your feel badly about not attending the destination wedding of two people who you barely know who have already said I do to someone else. They do not care if you come or not. Chances are they just want a check and would be thrilled not to feed you at a reception.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 11:59
Subject: Re:Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, did your DH attend his cousin's previous wedding(s)? If he didn't go to them before (which sounds possible if you're not sure how many times cousin has been married) then it seems reasonable to not be worried about making it to this destination wedding.
OP here. See, I had not considered questions like this one, so thank you. No, DH did not attend the other weddings, and usually does not attend his cousins' weddings, in general. My side seems to be a closer family, in general, more history and we have a lot to talk about. DH's family, not so much. His siblings and parents and their families live close, and we hardly see them. Dh's neices and nephews are much older than our children, and there is not a lot of interest. They do a once a year week long thing, and DH attends a few days to be polite, but for the most part, the nephews/nieces/ILs do not attend, and attendance falls each year. My impression is that DH's family is not all that interested in each other, maybe they show some attention to the mom because of her age, but that is just my impression. The few times someone has visited out of state, they seem to pass right by our house. I needed to hear from outside sources, I did not want to taint anyone's opinion. I just want to do the right thing, given the circumstances.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 10:07
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is indifferent, because he does not really know that part of his family - big age differences, and not a lot in common, in general. They don't really make the effort.
Yes, we could see his family here - to answer other PP - including those who are getting married.
Indifferent means he tells his mother that you all won't be attending this wedding because HE does not care to shell out the time/money to attend. End.
If MIL freaks about the other wedding, DH tells his mother that HE does care about attending this close family member's wedding so the family will be attending.
He can then offer to spear head a US based family gathering for his side.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 10:02
Subject: Re:Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Out of curiosity, did your DH attend his cousin's previous wedding(s)? If he didn't go to them before (which sounds possible if you're not sure how many times cousin has been married) then it seems reasonable to not be worried about making it to this destination wedding.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 09:51
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think/want to do?
Go to the wedding on your side and MIL can suck it. International travel for a THIRD wedding? For someone your husband isn’t at all close too? No.
This.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 09:21
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is indifferent, because he does not really know that part of his family - big age differences, and not a lot in common, in general. They don't really make the effort.
Yes, we could see his family here - to answer other PP - including those who are getting married.
This is a no brainer, OP.
Go to the wedding of the people you are close to.
Decline the destination wedding.
DH can handle his mom. And if she already dislikes you for no good reason, stop caring about her opinion.
+1
Thank you.
Anonymous
10/04/2018 09:20
Subject: Two family weddings abroad, two months apart....
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You all go to the first wedding. DH can go solo (or not) to the second. Done.
this
I agree. There are compelling reasons to go to the first wedding. If your husband wants to go to the destination wedding, he can go. If he doesn't even really want to go, then it's not on you. If your MIL gives you grief, refer her to your husband. She might well try to make you the bad guy, but it sounds like she does this anyway, so who cares?
OP here. This is how I am thinking - damned if I do, damned if I don't - right? So, I may as well be with the people who actually want us there (not just for bragging rights), and be with the people I am actually close to. I should tell you, the other ILs on DH's side are refusing to go, and MIL has not said boo about that. It is okay for them to have to work, but not me. I don't think the ILs really care that much for MIL, and they don't know the cousins at all. The one time we met DH's cousins recently, they practically ignored us, which I thought was weird, considering we were meeting them for the first time. I thought it was rude, but I want to be sure I am making a practical decision, not an emotional decision.