Anonymous
09/22/2018 21:01
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:OK DCUM, puzzle this one out, because I'm lost.
43 yo single mom of a 6 yo here. I did not date for the first 5 years of her life; I'm a physician at a busy practice and wanted to prioritize home/family/work before romance. This past year I realized I was really craving adult companionship and I'd like for DD to see a model for a successful relationship, so I tried online dating, and met a ton of great guys: kind, funny, successful, etc. A month ago I met someone who stood out.
Air force pilot for 20 years, now in business development. He's 52 with 2 older kids, just dropped youngest off at college. Divorced in 2013; presumedly bc the military took its toll on the marriage(?). In shape, funny, smart as a whip, attractive. We met for drinks and he asked me out on a second date on the spot. I happily accepted.
That was late August. Since then we've gone out 6 times, if you count the first meeting. A few coffee/lunch dates, once at the Kennedy Center, out to dinner in Gtown, dinner at my house (DD slept over with a friend). And the furthest we've gotten physically is a peck on the lips.
Now this man is a total flirt over text. And in person he holds my hand, rubs my feet, and tells me how great I look. On date 2, right when we sat down at the bar, he asked to kiss me (kind of out of the blue) and I was so surprised I kind of gave him my cheek.I felt badly and the next date apologized, explaining that I was nervous and that I liked him. He laughed and said not to worry about it. But since then I've initiated lip kissing, have been very touchy, and in general behaved very warmly, and each time we part ways he pecks me chastely as if we're related or something.
Last night he came over and we had a nice chat outside in my garden with wine, snacks, etc. He brought me flowers and rubbed my feet. DD was spending night with neighbors and I let him know that. And at 10p he says "OK, I'm gonna head out". I smiled and asked in a puzzled but calm way, "what are we doing?". He looked taken aback. I essentially said, "I really enjoy spending time with you, but it seems like you may be looking for just a friend. I'm interested in a romantic relationship, or at least moving in that direction." He said "I don't know what your expectations were tonight but I need more time to let my guard down". I was annoyed by this. It wasn't my expectation that we'd have sex. But make out maybe? Move beyond 1 millisecond close-mouthed lip kissing? I do not get the vibe that this guy is some player who is juggling multiple women. I mean I guess that could be true, but I don't get that vibe.
So he left and we exchanged a few texts today; I explained that I liked him. Alot! But as a full time single mom it's not a small thing for me to fit dating into my life. That if we're not on the same page, that's ok, but I needed to know that it's both our intention to actually try this before I invest more time. He says he really wants to see me again but just needs more time (?!).
Time for what?? To figure out if he wants to get to first base? Look I don't mean to be crass but this feels ridiculous. We're 6 dates in here. I'm a pretty traditional women and no one will ever accuse me of rushing into sex, but it is an eventual goal. I'm high drive and it feels like we're getting no where.
Do your best DCUM...I'm in the dark with this one.
Does he have a foot fetish? Why is he always touching your feet?
Anonymous
09/22/2018 21:00
Subject: Re:6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Guy here at age 31. I'm sure he has mess if it's ED. I can't see a guy going a decade or more with ED and not be in meds. He probably isn't into you. I would have been all over you at date 3.
Geez. I may ask you to PM me. After 5 years off the dating market (and turning 40) my libido suddenly went nuclear.
I realize I may come across as too focused on the physical component of all of this. And it does bother me. What's worse however is the feeling that there's something way off here and he's sort of...gas lighting me? To have someone say "let's take it slow" when we're basically moving at a snail's pace means something is off. At this point in my life I've learned that when you think there's a red flag, there probably is (thank you Gavin De Becker.
Anyway I'm sad! He's cool and smart and kind. Seems like he loves and is invested in his children. Super impressive career and isn't intimidated by mine. We could have some serious fun together, and maybe something really special.
Or...not. Seems like it may be not. Sigh. Back to the drawing board.
You're overthinking this. In the dating world, this means a guy isn't sure how much he likes you.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 20:58
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He's struggling. Likes you. He would probably would like a relationship that *could* lead somewhere. You have a 6 year old. He doesn't want to be a father to a six year old.
Then why spend time with me? I'm very straightforward about my situation; how much I love my daughter, that we lead a stable, drama-free, fun life. I want another adult in her life but I don't need someone to save either of us. Now some men don't want to be around smaller children. Understandable; but again, then why date me?
Because he likes you enough to pass the time with you. He's lonely because he's divorced and now an empty nester. So he's fine hanging out with you but doesn't want anything more serious and knows physical intimacy means relationship to you.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 20:56
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:You have a 6 year old
This.
Women overthink this stuff and assume there's something wrong with him. The issue is he's not sure about OP. He doesn't know if he wants to take it to the next level. OP also spelled it out for him that she's looking for something serious. He just dropped his youngest off at college. He is probably hesitant to get involved with a woman with a young child. So he's giving it time.
When a man wants to take it slow, it rarely means he has an issue he's working through; it almost always means he's not sure if he likes you enough to get more serious.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 20:55
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Perhaps he is not attracted to you sexually but he enjoys your company. Did he try to reassure you when you mentioned friendship or did he just respond that he needed more time?
Anonymous
09/22/2018 20:43
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:There’s no correct formula for this. But common sense, EQ, and the ability to read a room are required. Broadly, don’t grope her on date 1. And don’t wait until date 6 to say “I still need time”. Applies for both men and women, btw.
Oh hey look, a reasonable response
! Amen!
Anonymous
09/22/2018 20:38
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
There’s no correct formula for this. But common sense, EQ, and the ability to read a room are required. Broadly, don’t grope her on date 1. And don’t wait until date 6 to say “I still need time”. Applies for both men and women, btw.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 20:38
Subject: Re:6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Agree with putting a halt on the '#metoo' and 'extra' responses. OP's situation has nothing to do with either.
There's no magical number of dates that should be met before people are physically intimate. Do people genuinely believe that? That there's some special number? Come on.
OP described a scenario in which it seemed reasonable to think they may kiss and make out. That's all. (If that scenario is unclear, go back & read the previous posts). I don't recall anyone on here making accusations about anyone's conduct being gay or rapey.
There's no magical number of dates that should be met before people are physically intimate. Do people genuinely believe that? That there's some special number? Come on.
OP described a scenario in which it seemed reasonable to think they may kiss and make out. That's all. (If that scenario is unclear, go back & read the previous posts). I don't recall anyone on here making accusations about anyone's conduct being gay or rapey.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 20:30
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
So what is the right amount of dates after which a man should make a move, after which he is not considered rapey but before he is presumed to either be gay or wimpy?
Anonymous
09/22/2018 19:53
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
OP back. We're done with mini pumpkins and onto "Moana".
For everyone invoking #metoo, please stop. There is a planet's worth of difference between two consenting adults in a dating situation navigating the pace of physicality, and unwanted sexual content and innuendo in the workplace. For everyone wondering why that sh*t still happens, it's because people confuse these two issues. They're oceans apart. Let's stay on topic or just let the thread end. Seems like there's a quorum anyway.
For everyone invoking #metoo, please stop. There is a planet's worth of difference between two consenting adults in a dating situation navigating the pace of physicality, and unwanted sexual content and innuendo in the workplace. For everyone wondering why that sh*t still happens, it's because people confuse these two issues. They're oceans apart. Let's stay on topic or just let the thread end. Seems like there's a quorum anyway.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 19:51
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:Be aggressive with him. If he turns you down then, walk.
Some men like to be pursued. Not sure how great a lay they will be. I say make a few attempts after he turns u down, then forget about him.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 19:50
Subject: Re:6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Six dates in is a long time for not even making out. But, thank you #metoo for slowing things down for women who do have an interest. I have a 31 year old single brother who told me that women have to clearly make the first move because he won't.
That pesky consent is always getting in the way of things!
No, it's that flirting is now often being perceived as a form of sexual harassment.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 19:49
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Be aggressive with him. If he turns you down then, walk.
Anonymous
09/22/2018 19:44
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What does “extra” mean?
Too damn much. Trying too hard / over the top.
Above and beyond for unnecessary reasons
"Extra" = too much bc I'm participating in there conversation? Lol, no. Don't be weird.
Plus I'm home tonight watching the kids tonight (I do babysitting swap w/upstairs neighbor). We're painting mini pumpkins and listening to Hamilton soundtrack. I can multi-task and post on DCUM.
OP - you're responses are fine.
Your guy seems a little out of it though. Date younger. The 31 year old from a few posts back might be able to see you well. Lol.
*serve you well
Anonymous
09/22/2018 19:44
Subject: 6 dates in and we're still just talking. Huh??
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What does “extra” mean?
Too damn much. Trying too hard / over the top.
Above and beyond for unnecessary reasons
"Extra" = too much bc I'm participating in there conversation? Lol, no. Don't be weird.
Plus I'm home tonight watching the kids tonight (I do babysitting swap w/upstairs neighbor). We're painting mini pumpkins and listening to Hamilton soundtrack. I can multi-task and post on DCUM.
OP - you're responses are fine.
Your guy seems a little out of it though. Date younger. The 31 year old from a few posts back might be able to see you well. Lol.