Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:59     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
I'm not sure what's going on here, but I can say that OP getting involved in trying to control this woman's behavior (ss opposed to her DH) may get really messy and have significant. The coworker is already the lone female in a male environment. If her coworkers spouses start interfering or doing weird hostile stuff (like the thank you note) that really crosses boundaries in a bad way. Let your DH handle this, and don't harass her! You could end up making your DH vulnerable to harassment claims if you get involved trying to control what she does. Back WAY off.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:51     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Please tell us what scotch it is!
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:43     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok help me understand the situation. My husband works with about ten others at his level including the only female. They do not see each other daily but numerous times throughout the week at meetings and events. She is fairly new to the group as of this summer and she just gave my husband an expensive bottle of scotch because he was having a hard day / week for his first time with his employees. Most of the other men have a harder time and she has never sent them anything nor does she seem to have that friendship with them.

Since she is new and never married or without kids I thought I would invite her to hang with us for a weekend event. She barely answered me and won’t speak to me really at all. She will however spend the most time at events with my husband. Sometimes she is the only one in attendance with him to elective events. am not upset at this but just thought i would try and be nice and include her. Honestly no big deal, but now I am starting to wonder about the scotch thing.

Do I need to read more into it or is this a no big deal and fairly common practice to do in the corporate world?


Curious to know which industry this is in. Is it sales? Commercial real estate? Technology? Public Facing? Legal? Local? MNC? Corporations are in all industries, and the workplace cultures of the norm can greatly vary by industry. It is hard to give a 100% objective consideration to all facets of possibilities of this (assumingly young and junior) woman entering into a professional circle with 9 other males. If there is a culture of leadership, competition, interpersonal relationships, etc. that comes into play too. One client based overseas may gift a $200 oz of parfum oil to all team members, while a different client working in public administration may not be able to pay a dime toward your $5 subway footlong. Context matters here when asking questions about culture and norms.

That said, I would definitely keep my antennae tuned, without crossing boundaries in my function as a wife and professional, and my husband's function as a husband and professional. I agree that this woman's behavior is alarming, if not for naivete, then for the potential negative implications whether intentional or consequential by no fault of her own doing. Is she a subordinate, or in any type of administrative support role? That your DH shared it with you is good too. I think you are taking the right approach, from what you did by not getting upset in any way (so refreshing to see!), and offering an opportunity to meet each other by inviting her when your DH shared what happened (assuming it is not out of the norm for you to do that in his workplace).

And, add me to the count of readers that liked the thank you note from the first poster in this thread. I suspect this woman likes your husband OP, and also agree with the male poster who called the behavior as excessive in nature at first look. Again, there are a lot of unknowns, so I would try to learn as much as you can about the situation before reacting further.


I think OPs situation is military based on the socialization she described and because of this, I thinkwhat she did is pretty dang inappropriate.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:42     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Totally not a big deal at all. She works in a world of men, she may not relate to women well. Some women find men much easier to talk to, especially at a social gathering, and they gravitate to men and not because they are attracted to other people's husbands.

There is another female personality you encounter in some workplaces and that is one that has disdain for other women, especially if they are supporting their family in a non-monetary way, or have a low earning job. Women like that will not talk to you because they assume you have nothing to talk about (btw, they are not nice people, so no loss).

Plus, people can smell your suspicions a mile away and that is the kind of personality one would absolutely avoid at a party.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:40     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:I work in a male dominated field. I have given colleagues bottles of wine, whiskey and Scotch. I am married some of them are married/some not. These gifts were not romantic in nature but tokens of appreciation for a job well done, celebrate a deal or promotion, when someone has had a rough patch or even when I happen to know they like something fairly rare and I come across it. I don’t think you’d have thought twice about this if a man had given the bottle. It’s views like this that hurt working women in the advancement of their careers. Rethink what has actually happened. Would you have sought to chat up a young male colleague who gifted the Scotch?


Giving gifts to married men (or women) is not something that men do in the workplace, so your behavior looks like you are trying to suck up at best or hitting on the men.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:38     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What was the weekend event you invited her to? I am a female in a male dominated field.

When I go to business dinners, I am going to be nice to the wives but I am really there to network with the men - I.e. my peers. If my colleague’s wife invited me to a social event I would feel weird about it. I socialize with coworkers outside of work sometimes or as couples, but not as a third wheel.


Op here. I totally agree and not thinking twice on this. I did offer just to be nice but also totally understand. No big deal. I guess I am just keeping an eye open since the bottle of liquor was gifted to him and no one else, ya know what I mean?


Not really. If I gifted your husband / my colleague scotch it would not be romantic. It would be an indication that I am also into scotch and I am trying to curry favor and signal I’m one of the guys and not to leave me out when they go to happy hour. I’ve been struggling with how to articulate how your weekend invite would make me feel. I married in my late 30s. If I was unmarried and you were married with kids and the invite to hang out on the weekend cane frkn you, the wife, not mh colleague I would have felt patronized or belittled - like you think I’m a kid who needs someone to take me under their wing. Or that I’m pathetic or lonely because I’m single so I must have nothing to do. I look younger than my age, so I spent a lot of my career in my 30s proving I had the talent and experience to hold my own with guys older than me. Something about the way you describe your husband’s female colleague and the invite rubs me the wrong way. In 18 years in my field I have never had an invite, call or text from a wife of a colleague who was not also in our Industry.


You have issues.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:37     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Not your bottle, not your business. Your husband is the one who will handle it any way he wants.


If you value you marriage then your spouse and other women definitely is your business.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:36     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:Did he lay her on the conference table and splash some scotch all over her naked body? That would be a good use for the bottle. .

If he brought it home sealed and full, suggest he do that with you instead on the dining room table. Win win.


Kept between ou and your husband, this is a much more elegent solution. But you will know, and so will he.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:33     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Did he lay her on the conference table and splash some scotch all over her naked body? That would be a good use for the bottle. .

If he brought it home sealed and full, suggest he do that with you instead on the dining room table. Win win.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:32     Subject: Re:Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?


Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."




How much did the scotch cost: financially and morally speaking?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:29     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
All of your information about what's going on at work comes from your DH. Hmmm....
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:25     Subject: Re:Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?


Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 07:04     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A bottle of scotch is not a very romantic gift. I'd probably keep an eye on things, but absent other red flags (do they text outside of work often, discuss personal things?), I'd let it go.


Depends on the man, and depends on the Scotch.



I agree and I'll add that it is a personal (therefore, inappropriate) gift.


Personal? That’s a stretch. Alcohol is the most impersonal gift you can give besides a plant.



It's personal in the sense that she noticed he had a rough week and wanted to make him feel better. That is neither her job nor her concern.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 06:56     Subject: Re:Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Is this coworker attractive?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2018 06:41     Subject: Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A bottle of scotch is not a very romantic gift. I'd probably keep an eye on things, but absent other red flags (do they text outside of work often, discuss personal things?), I'd let it go.


Depends on the man, and depends on the Scotch.



I agree and I'll add that it is a personal (therefore, inappropriate) gift.


Personal? That’s a stretch. Alcohol is the most impersonal gift you can give besides a plant.