Anonymous wrote:A) Both the OP's father and his ex-wife need to go to counseling. Mourning a stillborn or newborn death like that for nearly 20 years isn't healthy.

B) OP - maybe if you had children with your 7-year spouse it'd be easier to move on.

Normally I wouldn't be on the jealous spouse's side but that is creepy as hell.

On the 2nd page, OP said she and her DH do have children!

A) Both the OP's father and his ex-wife need to go to counseling. Mourning a stillborn or newborn death like that for nearly 20 years isn't healthy.

B) OP - maybe if you had children with your 7-year spouse it'd be easier to move on.

Normally I wouldn't be on the jealous spouse's side but that is creepy as hell.

Holy shit. You're excluded from mourning.... because you have nothing to mourn. Be relieved the universe has cut you a lucky break and leave your poor husband and his ex in peace to mourn however they like. He can talk to your other kids about it when and if he wants to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

....after 17 years it's time to move on. Besides, it's causing problems in OP's relationship. Past time to address it.

you don't get to force people to address things in a certain way at certain times.

being threatened by the dead shows a deep lack of character.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

....after 17 years it's time to move on. Besides, it's causing problems in OP's relationship. Past time to address it.

You are so immature to think you know what is best for others.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

....after 17 years it's time to move on. Besides, it's causing problems in OP's relationship. Past time to address it.

You are so immature to think you know what is best for others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

....after 17 years it's time to move on. Besides, it's causing problems in OP's relationship. Past time to address it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He only visits his child’s grave once a year?

My sister died when she was six and my parents never returned to the cemetery.

That’s so sad. Poor little girl.

What is sad is that my parents had to live the rest of their lives without their daughter. It was not until I became a parent that I could even begin to understand how they may have felt. There is no right way to grieve.

+1. A lot of people choose cremation and there is no grave. You can grieve/honor/remember without a grave.

Anonymous wrote:The PPs who think DH is having an affair have obviously never lost a child...

Again, OP, let it go. Let him grieve.

It's 1 PP and I think they are just trolling attempting to be funny.

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He only visits his child’s grave once a year?

My sister died when she was six and my parents never returned to the cemetery.

That’s so sad. Poor little girl.

What is sad is that my parents had to live the rest of their lives without their daughter. It was not until I became a parent that I could even begin to understand how they may have felt. There is no right way to grieve.

The PPs who think DH is having an affair have obviously never lost a child...

Again, OP, let it go. Let him grieve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He only visits his child’s grave once a year?

My sister died when she was six and my parents never returned to the cemetery.

That’s so sad. Poor little girl.

Get over yourself. Visiting the grave site doesn’t mean they don’t care. I haven’t visited my daughter’s grave in years. It’s 3,000 miles away. It’s not who she is, not how I want to remember her, as quite frankly she has no clue. Graves are for the living. Some people need them for their mourning, others don’t. Don’t try to imply that someone is being a bad parent because they don’t visit their deceased child’s grave as often as you deem acceptable.

OP, losing a child, especially an infant, is traumatic and it is an intimate experience. My DH and I are the only people who met my daughter and held her, aside from medical staff. I don’t care if we get divorced. Whether we mourn together or separately, I won’t be bringing in anyone else to share that grief with me because they can’t. I don’t even like to tell people her name because sometimes they forget. It might not make any sense but it’s the worst feeling, like she’s not worth remembering because she’s gone and they’ll never meet her. (I know that not what anyone is thinking and everyone is actually kind and supportive about our loss when I let them in.) It’s just an incredible and enduring pain, even after years, and it feels like to being trivialized when someone asks questions out of curiosity. I wouldn’t be able to share that intimacy with you either.

You might not be trying to make it about you, but you are. It’s not about you. Leave it alone. Quit trying to intrude.

OP - not trying to pile on but this is really selfish. You need to let him and them mourn how they choose. You will never know the loss of a child until you experience it. The divorce rate among couples that lost a child is unbelievably high. It is something that haunts you forever. Let him be on that subject.