Anonymous wrote:I'm another person who thinks there's more going on here than just your DH not pulling his share. The arrangement you describe sounds about par for the course for many marriages in the DC area. Both parents are working downtown, 2 kids in daycare, long commutes. Both parents are at the ends of the rope. One parent ends up doing more than the other. But as you describe, it doesn't sound like an insanely one-sided situation. Both of you sound really busy and tired. It's not like he's sitting around watching football all the time while you're vacuuming. He's running around too. It's just that some people have more capacity than others for really, really running into the ground. I also think your weekends sound weird - that you spend the whole time with babies in arms while you vacuum, and he's doing what exactly?

In any event, it sounds like your dynamic is much more a symptom of your larger marital issues - that you're doubling down on doing all this stuff and being mad at him and refusing sex, and he's doubling down on being mad at you and not not doing stuff and being mad about sex. Sounds like a pretty typical marriage about to fall apart, and less about him not pulling his weight. Btw, i think you outright refusing sex as effectively a punishment is just as bad as him outright refusing to do stuff around the house. You're both just playing mean.

Either get counseling, or get divorced. But this isn't about him not pulling his weight.

Anonymous wrote:

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

OP, do you have a system in place to make sure your DH never forgets your infant in his carseat? I.E., placing his man bag or lunch or whatever in the backseat next to the car seat?

It happens sadly, and your DH sounds distracted and disorganized.

Anonymous wrote:I'm another person who thinks there's more going on here than just your DH not pulling his share. The arrangement you describe sounds about par for the course for many marriages in the DC area. Both parents are working downtown, 2 kids in daycare, long commutes. Both parents are at the ends of the rope. One parent ends up doing more than the other. But as you describe, it doesn't sound like an insanely one-sided situation. Both of you sound really busy and tired. It's not like he's sitting around watching football all the time while you're vacuuming. He's running around too. It's just that some people have more capacity than others for really, really running into the ground. I also think your weekends sound weird - that you spend the whole time with babies in arms while you vacuum, and he's doing what exactly?

In any event, it sounds like your dynamic is much more a symptom of your larger marital issues - that you're doubling down on doing all this stuff and being mad at him and refusing sex, and he's doubling down on being mad at you and not not doing stuff and being mad about sex. Sounds like a pretty typical marriage about to fall apart, and less about him not pulling his weight. Btw, i think you outright refusing sex as effectively a punishment is just as bad as him outright refusing to do stuff around the house. You're both just playing mean.

Either get counseling, or get divorced. But this isn't about him not pulling his weight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:can you change your work hours (or pretend to) for a while? Or instead of divvying up the chores as you have (sort of), decide that you do mornings==kids animals drop off and he does evenings---pick up, animals and dinner, and you split bedtimes? If he's not up and ready by the time you have to leave, you just leave in the mornings and he figures it out. In the evenings, go work out or go out at night until he's done the pick up and dinner--at least for a while.



honestly OP, my life was like yours whenthe kids were little, i felt desperate. I made chore lists, I got promises, etc but very little changed. I have to say it gets much better when the kids are older and need less attention/are more independent and are less exhausting. But I also made changes--I insisted on a house cleaner and despite DH insisting he didn't want anyone to do landscaping/it was a waste of money, after 2 years of no trimming, mulching or weeding, I hired landscapers (who had a *major* clean up job). I also hired an afterschool sitter who does some housekeeping (laundry, tidying, will prep dinner for the kids). I dont ask anymore, I just do. I still do most of the cooking or at least meal shopping, all the finances (everything, the bills, investments, credit cards, taxes, health insurance reimbursements), all the travel plans/bday parties/ school/camp/doctor/lessons, all the shopping for everything we ever need (but I amazon it) all the car repair and allthe house repair--I do what I can myself, and outsource the rest. I've unsnaked drains and fixed showerheads and resealed tubs, but I have also not hesitated to call in someone. I do send DH on errands a lot--he is happy to get out of the house and get something, but I have to make the list. I also equalize it a little by taking off more time for me on the weekends when he has to entertain or drive the kids, and i've lowered standards--I dont do PTA, I dont cook up a storm, I dont keep a particularly neat house, I dont send bday wishes to his parents for him, etc. I dont get mad (most of the time) but I am also just blunt. Example: after working from home the whole day (and going to the gym) he'd wait until 6:30 when I was home and ask "What's for dinner" and I'd answer "I have no idea. Do you have a plan?" so now he occasionally will think of dinner or if he hasn't, he will scramble through the frig to figure something out if its clear that I'm not in the cooking mood. Even better, I will say, can you make dinner tomorrow?

On the plus side, he is supportive in other ways and he is a good dad and spends quality time with the kids and i've made my peace, but I've come to realize that I dont really need him to run the household. I can do both. Its both disappointing and liberating.

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

You live 60 miles out of DC and commute in every day with two kids and then return home 60 miles??
That is insanity - do you not realize that? Your DH is tired for a reason & your kids probably are too. How long are you going to keep that up?
Why can’t you move closer? Or get jobs closer to home?

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to figure out what's wrong with my DH and how I can encourage him to do his fair share. I am at a point, where I am seriously considering a divorce.

We have two under two and both of us work full time. Kids are in excellent daycare in DC near our work. We commute together to DC almost every day, unless there is a logistical issue and then we split up the kids and take two cars for HOV purposes. I get kids prepped for daycare (dressed, bottles, diapers, and etc.) every morning or the night before and DH just needs to carry them out to the car and put them in their car seats. I usually get up first and get myself ready while kids are still sleeping and then get the kids ready. DH takes care of coffee, breakfast, and feeds our animals. Half of the time, I need to get DH out of bed (he oversleeps) and we're constantly running late in the morning. I ask him to set his alarm and he does and just hits the snooze button and falls back asleep.

If DH travels for work, we get out of the house at a decent hour and I manage to drop the kids off at two different daycares and get myself to work on time. I skip breakfast, but take care of the animals. I repeatedly ask DH to get ready the night before, so we can get out of the house quickly without him looking for his badges, wallet, and phone. Often, he leaves it behind and we have to drive back because he forgets something at the house. It happens to everyone, but with him it happens at least twice or tree times a week.

When we get home, I take care of the kids and he takes care of the animals. Bedtime is split with him putting one kid to bed and me taking care of the other. I try to cook a meal at least twice a week and we have take out once a week. All the cleaning after dinner is left to me and DH fails to even clean his plate off the table and put it in the dishwasher. I used to clean up after him and now I just let it sit there.....sometimes he does not touch it until the next day.

Our weekends look like this. Most of the childcare falls back on me. I also clean the house, do laundry (mine and kids), pay bills, and try to prep a meal or two to cover Mondays/Tuesdays. I usually do not have time to meet friends and maybe can squeeze one dinner date/hh date with a friend once a month. DH has reserve duty once or twice a month (usually over a weekend) and tries to meet a friend(s) for dinner at least once a week. Basically, I am single parenting all the time. Date nights are non-existent with DH saying he does not want to pay for babysitter or that no one wants to babysit two under two. We have no family nearby, so we can't ask anyone. I am so exhausted, I barely function and drop into bed as soon as kids are asleep. Sex life is non-existent....due to me having HUUGE resentment issues. I'd rather get a good night of sleep than entertain DH's advances.

I have tried everything.....I asked nicely (I wish you would do more of this).....I demanded (you need to do this by this date)....I yelled (just F****ing do it ok).... for him to pull his weight and make our relationship more like a partnership and not a medieval coexistence. Nothing works on this guy, he just bickers and makes excuses why it could not be done.

I basically said that I am turning off sex until he pulls his weight and he tried to complain it WAS NOT FAIR.....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:can you change your work hours (or pretend to) for a while? Or instead of divvying up the chores as you have (sort of), decide that you do mornings==kids animals drop off and he does evenings---pick up, animals and dinner, and you split bedtimes? If he's not up and ready by the time you have to leave, you just leave in the mornings and he figures it out. In the evenings, go work out or go out at night until he's done the pick up and dinner--at least for a while.



honestly OP, my life was like yours whenthe kids were little, i felt desperate. I made chore lists, I got promises, etc but very little changed. I have to say it gets much better when the kids are older and need less attention/are more independent and are less exhausting. But I also made changes--I insisted on a house cleaner and despite DH insisting he didn't want anyone to do landscaping/it was a waste of money, after 2 years of no trimming, mulching or weeding, I hired landscapers (who had a *major* clean up job). I also hired an afterschool sitter who does some housekeeping (laundry, tidying, will prep dinner for the kids). I dont ask anymore, I just do. I still do most of the cooking or at least meal shopping, all the finances (everything, the bills, investments, credit cards, taxes, health insurance reimbursements), all the travel plans/bday parties/ school/camp/doctor/lessons, all the shopping for everything we ever need (but I amazon it) all the car repair and allthe house repair--I do what I can myself, and outsource the rest. I've unsnaked drains and fixed showerheads and resealed tubs, but I have also not hesitated to call in someone. I do send DH on errands a lot--he is happy to get out of the house and get something, but I have to make the list. I also equalize it a little by taking off more time for me on the weekends when he has to entertain or drive the kids, and i've lowered standards--I dont do PTA, I dont cook up a storm, I dont keep a particularly neat house, I dont send bday wishes to his parents for him, etc. I dont get mad (most of the time) but I am also just blunt. Example: after working from home the whole day (and going to the gym) he'd wait until 6:30 when I was home and ask "What's for dinner" and I'd answer "I have no idea. Do you have a plan?" so now he occasionally will think of dinner or if he hasn't, he will scramble through the frig to figure something out if its clear that I'm not in the cooking mood. Even better, I will say, can you make dinner tomorrow?

On the plus side, he is supportive in other ways and he is a good dad and spends quality time with the kids and i've made my peace, but I've come to realize that I dont really need him to run the household. I can do both. Its both disappointing and liberating.

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

Anonymous wrote:you are still enabling--if you buy the cards, you are enabling. If you leave one kid behind you are enabling him to get to work in the HOV lane. Stop enabling. Just stop doing. You dont have to make a big deal out of it, or make a huge point, just stop doing. If he's not ready and up in the morning, dont get him up, or help him out. Leave with the kids when you need to leave. You are not responsible for him--you have enough on your plate.

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.