She’s smart to not want to remarry. I wouldn’t either. To give up a secure pension on a gamble that your second marriage would work is foolish- especially since you are divorced. What happened between you and wife #1? How long did it last?
Your GF is wise to not want the entanglement of marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

He wants someone to guarantee take care of him, that’s why. Men don’t age well.

Liar. 50-year-old men don’t think in those terms. Liar and moron.

He’s a romantic and she, an average woman in her 40s, cares about her bank balance for the rest of her life.

He’s not a romantic, he’s trying to lock her down so she can’t easily leave him. Just see how quickly his mind went to ugly places about her wanting someone older/richer when she offered very logical reasons to not want to get legally married. It’s jealous/controlling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

He wants someone to guarantee take care of him, that’s why. Men don’t age well.

Liar. 50-year-old men don’t think in those terms. Liar and moron.

He’s a romantic and she, an average woman in her 40s, cares about her bank balance for the rest of her life.

Anonymous wrote:Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

He wants someone to guarantee take care of him, that’s why. Men don’t age well.

This is a toughie since there are no compromising options here.

If you truly want to get married later on, then you will need to break things off w/your current girlfriend since she is very deadset against it.

Is marriage so important to you OP that you would be willing to give up this relationship for??

Only YOU can answer this question.

I strongly doubt that your girlfriend is going to budge on her end & that is her right.

Maybe you two need to talk some more about what you both see in your collective future(s).

Wishing you both the best here.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.

Your children will not take care of her in old age. You are delusional for even thinking that. It doesn't matter how much they like her. She is picking financial security.

None of this matter, though. You have tipped your hand. Your relationship will likely end soon.

Just make sure you agree on cash or accrual. The last thing you want is to be at odds regarding your method of accounting for your assets! Also, be sure to rebalance your 401(k)s, and pipe any residual income into a Roth. And OMG don't neglect insurance! Particularly long term care for when you're too old to care for (or recognize) each other anymore, but require cash outlays for things like cable TV, soft foods, and people to wipe your bottom, and of course term life for when you expire and people need to pay for your coffin/cremation and the donation to the church you never actually attended but is willing to send the pastor for a small memorial attended by your children and the few remaining people alive who may remember you.

So much to consider before joining your lives together!

Another vote that the girlfriend sounds smart and reasonable, and OP sounds obnoxious. He's totally delusional to think that his kids would look after this woman when he passes just because "they seem to get along well" now while he's alive, when they probably don't have many other problems of their own to deal with, and she's only his girlfriend. And then he calls her a gold digger for not literally throwing away money that she's legally entitled to that would ensure that she's taken care of because instead he expects her to blindly trust and rely on people she hardly knows.

DCUM has delivered yet again!

My husband is a fed with a pension. I have sacrificed a lot to follow him around from city to city so he can keep his dream job. He also works long hours and travels a lot. Even though I have my own job, I consider it my pension too because we have built this life together as a team.

Your girlfriend isn’t choosing to be dependent on him rather than you. She earned her rights to that money.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.

Yes, you do. Her husband is dead. She is not picking another man. You are feeling emasculated because she doesn't want to combine finances with you, a proposition in which you have very little to lose and she has lots to lose.

You need to do some serious soul searching to decide if you can live with her choice. If not, you both deserve to move on.

I have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said. The only thing that hasn’t been mentioned is why would you want to get married? What is wrong with just being in a committed relationship?

She seems like a smart woman, hope she dumps you OP, you don’t deserve her.

OP, your girlfriend is a widow, which means she knows as much as anyone that you can love someone and have all kinds of plans for the future you're going to build with them, and then see it all pulled out from under you. If she marries you and gives up the pension, and then next year you get killed in a car accident, she could be left in the position of having very little financial security of her own, forever dependent upon her late husband's children to provide for her needs in her retirement. That is not a good position for anyone to be in, and she's smart not to jeopardize her own security like that. After all, you're not talking about changing your will, account beneficiaries, etc., to leave everything to her when you die, you appear to still be planning on leaving everything to your kids for them to do as they please. That may or may not include giving money to your second wife, and you're offering her no security there.

I am 40. I would never ever remarry if divorced or widowed. I do not understand why anyone would marry more than once (woman here).

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to leave behind her own inheritance for her own kids. Gets messy when other kids are involved

I think she is being very thoughtful of his kids too.

OP, I bet your children would support her point of view.

They don't want to see your money/house end up all with her adult kids if you go first.