Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP doesn’t have any ideas. All her conversation in the first post about cars, house, etc. Who wants boring friends?

OP here -- somehow I've survived 3+ decades of my life with no ideas. Don't know how I've managed really.

Reality is -- the ideas I have she doesn't care about; I read about and think about business, finance, the markets, interesting small businesses etc. Her ideas -- prison reform, black people being punished more severely, black lives matter, school to prison issues (she isn't black). Frankly I don't care about her ideas as much as she doesn't care about mine. Before this non profit job, she NEVER talked about social justice and now it's what she's into. I think the dr. above is right. The friendship is running its course and sadly may evolve into one where we see each other 4x a year at BBQs and parties, not one where the two of us grab dinner and talk.

So basically, you are a person who does not care about social justice issues who is friends with someone who does. You think she is dumb for not caring about money and prioritizing social justice work. She thinks you are shallow for prioritizing money. As a result, you have conversations that are awkward and both think the other is wasting her potential.

This friendship has run its course. No need to be dramatic. Just stop setting up get togethers. She won’t miss you. You won’t miss her. Everyone wins.

- a social worker who is best friends with a big law attorney

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the lawyer who talks about busting his/her ass for $$$ and comparing to a doctor.
No. Just no.
Lawyers are not dr’s

Didn't say I was a dr. Never desired to be a dr. But I charted a course taking me thru ivy undergrad, ivy law, a decade of biglaw in NYC billing 2400+ per year -- you better damn well believe I expect to get paid for it. Doesn't matter if what I do is important or not, I still expect $$$.

You are likely not smart enough for medicine. Has nothing to do with desire.

Yep. Only got into an ivy with program with a sub 7% acceptance rate in a math heavy program, but sure there's noooooooo way I could have gotten accepted and slogged through UMDNJ or a similar lower tier med school -- nope -- all those kids in my high school were just geniuses. LOL.

Did the gigantic chip on your shoulder come from an ivy too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP doesn’t have any ideas. All her conversation in the first post about cars, house, etc. Who wants boring friends?

OP here -- somehow I've survived 3+ decades of my life with no ideas. Don't know how I've managed really.

Reality is -- the ideas I have she doesn't care about; I read about and think about business, finance, the markets, interesting small businesses etc. Her ideas -- prison reform, black people being punished more severely, black lives matter, school to prison issues (she isn't black). Frankly I don't care about her ideas as much as she doesn't care about mine. Before this non profit job, she NEVER talked about social justice and now it's what she's into. I think the dr. above is right. The friendship is running its course and sadly may evolve into one where we see each other 4x a year at BBQs and parties, not one where the two of us grab dinner and talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the lawyer who talks about busting his/her ass for $$$ and comparing to a doctor.
No. Just no.
Lawyers are not dr’s

Didn't say I was a dr. Never desired to be a dr. But I charted a course taking me thru ivy undergrad, ivy law, a decade of biglaw in NYC billing 2400+ per year -- you better damn well believe I expect to get paid for it. Doesn't matter if what I do is important or not, I still expect $$$.

You are likely not smart enough for medicine. Has nothing to do with desire.

Yep. Only got into an ivy with program with a sub 7% acceptance rate in a math heavy program, but sure there's noooooooo way I could have gotten accepted and slogged through UMDNJ or a similar lower tier med school -- nope -- all those kids in my high school were just geniuses. LOL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the lawyer who talks about busting his/her ass for $$$ and comparing to a doctor.
No. Just no.
Lawyers are not dr’s

Didn't say I was a dr. Never desired to be a dr. But I charted a course taking me thru ivy undergrad, ivy law, a decade of biglaw in NYC billing 2400+ per year -- you better damn well believe I expect to get paid for it. Doesn't matter if what I do is important or not, I still expect $$$.

You are likely not smart enough for medicine. Has nothing to do with desire.

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP doesn’t have any ideas. All her conversation in the first post about cars, house, etc. Who wants boring friends?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

This, though I would leave out the stuff about it not being fair to OP. I grew up enough wealthier than most of my friends (who were also UMC, but my parents both had high-paying jobs), and my parents were also wealthier than my aunts and uncles. I guess because of that, I grew up my whole life knowing how/when to talk about money-related things. And, yes, talking about how cool an expensive car or condo building is when you can afford it and the person you're with can't *is* talking about money. And even if it weren't, you obviously don't have the same taste in places to live...so why would you expect a discussion about whether a building is cool or not to go well with her. I don't like sports cars, even the ones I can afford. So my brother, who does like them, doesn't waste a lot of his time talking about them with me...it wouldn't be an interesting discussion.

If you value the friendship, talk about the things you have in common. I was a grad student for almost a decade while some of my college friends were making loads of money as investment bankers. Guess what? They planned activities with me that I could afford, even though I knew they otherwise spent a lot more on dinner etc. And they talked to me about things that we continued to have in common. It's really not that hard.

+1.

And I recently reconnected with my college best friend. Was VERY reluctant to do so, but he insisted so I did. I felt we'd have NOTHING to talk about and he and his wife look down on me the entire time because he is a hedge fund PM, routinely named in top 40 under 40 in hedge funds, easily makes 10mil+ per year and just bought a Manhattan pad costing no less than 10mil while I am a government lawyer making 150k who was on a business trip to NYC for 2 nights. And guess what -- we ordered takeout Chinese, sat around and talked about old times, my business trip, our families, sports, and lord knows what else. At no time did he suggest that I should buy myself a pad in NYC or what 5 star in London is the best -- and we DID talk about how much all of us love London --the city, the sights, the shows -- NOT the hotels.

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

This, though I would leave out the stuff about it not being fair to OP. I grew up enough wealthier than most of my friends (who were also UMC, but my parents both had high-paying jobs), and my parents were also wealthier than my aunts and uncles. I guess because of that, I grew up my whole life knowing how/when to talk about money-related things. And, yes, talking about how cool an expensive car or condo building is when you can afford it and the person you're with can't *is* talking about money. And even if it weren't, you obviously don't have the same taste in places to live...so why would you expect a discussion about whether a building is cool or not to go well with her. I don't like sports cars, even the ones I can afford. So my brother, who does like them, doesn't waste a lot of his time talking about them with me...it wouldn't be an interesting discussion.

If you value the friendship, talk about the things you have in common. I was a grad student for almost a decade while some of my college friends were making loads of money as investment bankers. Guess what? They planned activities with me that I could afford, even though I knew they otherwise spent a lot more on dinner etc. And they talked to me about things that we continued to have in common. It's really not that hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- didn't comment on how much my friend works. That's a different poster above.

So how much does your friend work? Is it a time is money issue or not?

She works a lot but it's of her own choosing. It's the type of org where others barely work 30 hours a week, she's there until 10 pm routinely, weekends routinely etc. It's her choice to do that and no there isn't any bonus or other comp for being the super hard worker who cares about the cause.

As a side note when I started to make more money than a close friend of mine, one of the things that I did to make things less awkward is if I invited her to somewhere nicer or on holiday I would pay for her. I value her and I wanted to remain friends but I didn't want her feeling bad or declining because of cost. So I'd say "It's on me - don't say no - you deserve it and now I can afford to splurge on both of us."

We're still great friends and she still makes considerably less than me.

Anonymous wrote:I love the lawyer who talks about busting his/her ass for $$$ and comparing to a doctor.
No. Just no.
Lawyers are not dr’s

Didn't say I was a dr. Never desired to be a dr. But I charted a course taking me thru ivy undergrad, ivy law, a decade of biglaw in NYC billing 2400+ per year -- you better damn well believe I expect to get paid for it. Doesn't matter if what I do is important or not, I still expect $$$.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- didn't comment on how much my friend works. That's a different poster above.

So how much does your friend work? Is it a time is money issue or not?

Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP here -- didn't comment on how much my friend works. That's a different poster above.

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Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

Sorry damn non-edit. I meant DP here. I'm with you.

The thing is, for people who could work in biglaw, choosing a nonprofit is purchasing time. Did none of you learn about opportunity cost in law school?

Not for this friend. She works biglaw similar hours for 75k and expects sympathy and kudos for changing the world. But God forbid you say -- uh when we worked that many hours in biglaw, there were bonuses at year end.

Poster you quote...well good for her. She obviously feels strongly about this. Lots of my friends feel strongly about stuff I don’t, from political issues to cat colonies. Listen. Share. It isn’t that hard. And for the previous poster, I am not a man. You need not be male to do math, you know.