Anonymous
07/10/2018 20:38
Subject: Dealing with hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So I have an insanely difficult MIL. Like you, all her family agrees she's awful but no one wants to deal with her.
I absolutely have used the confrontation method. "Why did you ____ ??" If she says "OMG you are making a mountain out of a molehill relax" I respond, "no, why did you do that? Why?" Until she backs down.
The other thing I do is be critical back. For example, she thinks our house and furniture is junky. So if she starts in on that stuff, I say, "Well I love my table and am glad I'm not worried about my small children damaging it, but why did you spend $20k on a dining table? Can't you think of better things to do with the money? My friend is fundraising for lawyers to represent asylum seekers, isn't that a better use of the money?"
Now. Of COURSE this didn't turn her into a kind person. But now she fears me and actually tells her sisters I am abusive and domineering.
But they know her so no one is buying it.
+1
This is exactly it - including DH. She actually tries to pit people against each other (triangulate), and everyone is over it. The people in her community (not really friends, it is an exclusively friends through their husbands type of thing) act this way to each other, and her. So in MILs world, being snarky, bitter, disagreeable, NPD-like, dismissive, negative, disrespectful, unpleasant, disparaging, condescending and overly serious (like other PP mentioned - spot on) - along with focusing a convenient scapegoat, is how life is meant to be lived.
I think this is it. My MIL is a gossip and she and her friends and she and her sister are always having "Drama." Competitiveness, not talking to each other, etc.
I would respect my MIL a *LOT* more if she acted more like a grown up and not a petulant child. You don't have to like everyone - but when it is the ILs, you suck it up and learn to get along. It really doesn't matter what your opinion is of them, you are not living together. I find it especially offensive when a grown woman, the age of my mother, doesn't know how to be warm and inclusive in her own GD family. You want respect? Act like it. Being rude to the newer members of the family, who didn't have to put up with your crap for decades growing up (thank God), is not earning respect. My God, your own children think you are nuts, but they won't tell you, because of how you treated them for so long. We know, you don't admit your failures, you think it is better to be stoic......try being a kind human being, FFS.
Anonymous
07/10/2018 16:05
Subject: Dealing with hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So I have an insanely difficult MIL. Like you, all her family agrees she's awful but no one wants to deal with her.
I absolutely have used the confrontation method. "Why did you ____ ??" If she says "OMG you are making a mountain out of a molehill relax" I respond, "no, why did you do that? Why?" Until she backs down.
The other thing I do is be critical back. For example, she thinks our house and furniture is junky. So if she starts in on that stuff, I say, "Well I love my table and am glad I'm not worried about my small children damaging it, but why did you spend $20k on a dining table? Can't you think of better things to do with the money? My friend is fundraising for lawyers to represent asylum seekers, isn't that a better use of the money?"
Now. Of COURSE this didn't turn her into a kind person. But now she fears me and actually tells her sisters I am abusive and domineering.
But they know her so no one is buying it.
+1
This is exactly it - including DH. She actually tries to pit people against each other (triangulate), and everyone is over it. The people in her community (not really friends, it is an exclusively friends through their husbands type of thing) act this way to each other, and her. So in MILs world, being snarky, bitter, disagreeable, NPD-like, dismissive, negative, disrespectful, unpleasant, disparaging, condescending and overly serious (like other PP mentioned - spot on) - along with focusing a convenient scapegoat, is how life is meant to be lived.
I think this is it. My MIL is a gossip and she and her friends and she and her sister are always having "Drama." Competitiveness, not talking to each other, etc.
Anonymous
07/10/2018 15:54
Subject: Dealing with hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:Another MIL thread. Yawn.
What do you expect in the family relationships forum? If you want to talk about baby names, you go to the expectant moms forum. You want to talk stainless steel appliances, go to home improvement. You want extended family issues, including MILs, come here.
Anonymous
07/10/2018 13:36
Subject: Dealing with hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:So I have an insanely difficult MIL. Like you, all her family agrees she's awful but no one wants to deal with her.
I absolutely have used the confrontation method. "Why did you ____ ??" If she says "OMG you are making a mountain out of a molehill relax" I respond, "no, why did you do that? Why?" Until she backs down.
The other thing I do is be critical back. For example, she thinks our house and furniture is junky. So if she starts in on that stuff, I say, "Well I love my table and am glad I'm not worried about my small children damaging it, but why did you spend $20k on a dining table? Can't you think of better things to do with the money? My friend is fundraising for lawyers to represent asylum seekers, isn't that a better use of the money?"
Now. Of COURSE this didn't turn her into a kind person. But now she fears me and actually tells her sisters I am abusive and domineering.
But they know her so no one is buying it.
+1
This is exactly it - including DH. She actually tries to pit people against each other (triangulate), and everyone is over it. The people in her community (not really friends, it is an exclusively friends through their husbands type of thing) act this way to each other, and her. So in MILs world, being snarky, bitter, disagreeable, NPD-like, dismissive, negative, disrespectful, unpleasant, disparaging, condescending and overly serious (like other PP mentioned - spot on) - along with focusing a convenient scapegoat, is how life is meant to be lived.
Anonymous
07/10/2018 13:22
Subject: Dealing with hard to please MIL
Spellcheck changed my post. Should read how does ONE EFFECTIVELY.....
Anonymous
07/10/2018 13:22
Subject: Re:Dealing with hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you need to call her out on her rude comments without stopping to her level.
"I'm here to see her, not you."
"That is such a rude and hurtful thing to say. I don't allow people to be rude to me in my house so you need to leave now. Maybe we can schedule another visit soon if you're willing to be kind and respectful."
oh my goodness, now you know good and well that is not going to work with a person like the MIL being talked about."
Both of these are true. MIL wants to engage, so in reality, it is best not to give her what she wants because she has ill intent. However, how does ineffectively call her out on her rude comments without stooping to her level? This is the conundrum. Of course, MIL is well aware of her tactics.
Anonymous
07/10/2018 12:43
Subject: Re:Dealing with hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:I think you need to call her out on her rude comments without stopping to her level.
"I'm here to see her, not you."
"That is such a rude and hurtful thing to say. I don't allow people to be rude to me in my house so you need to leave now. Maybe we can schedule another visit soon if you're willing to be kind and respectful."
oh my goodness, now you know good and well that is not going to work with a person like the MIL being talked about."