Anonymous wrote:My DD has epic tantrums. She was a colicky infant and a fussy baby. She started having tantrums at about 20 months. Definitely got worse and seemed to level off around 3.5 and has slowly gotten better. Our strategy was when she would start screaming I would tell her, as calmly as I could, that I understood she was upset because she had to brush her teeth (or pick up the food she threw or whatever it was) was that it was fine for her to be upset but if she was going to scream she needed to go to her room. This was often said as I was carrying her like a football, to avoid a flailing elbow to the eye, to her room. It usually took her about 45 minutes to calm down. Then when she was calm I would go in and sit with her and reassure her that I loved her and was not angry with her and that now we were going to go brush her teeth or pick up the food etc. At the peak this was happening 3-4 times a day. It was utterly exhausting. As she got older we worked on teaching her to recognize when she was starting to feel overwhelmed and to removed herself from the situation.

She’s six now and has maybe 1-2 a week and can calm herself with ten minutes. We recently had a party at our home with what ended up being almost her entire class. She did great for the first hour then stated to get overwhelmed. From across the room I could see she was in a situation where she looked like she was going to blow. Before I could interview she walked over to me and said, “I need to go be alone in my room for a while.” Twenty minutes later she came out and was fine the rest of the party. I cried that night I was so proud of her and the progress that she has made. There is hope OP! Hang in there and be consistent.

And to the snarky people who think I am a terrible mom for leaving her alone in her room. we tried multiple other approaches over the years and they only made the situation worse.

Anonymous wrote:*Think of it as an illness that will pass, if that helps you. Darn autocorrect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks.

I physically man handle her and force her to do things (like sit on top of her, pin her arms, and brush her teeth) because like one of the PP's said, I want her to realize who is the boss (I am big, she is little, brushing her teeth isnt a choice, she HAS to do it, and throwing a fit isnt going to get her out of it). I dont do things like that for brushing her hair. but if we have to go somewhere and she's refusing to go, I will drag her kicking and screaming and FORCIBLY shove her into her carseat and buckle her in shrieking.

Ignoring her doesnt usually help. Sometimes if we leave her alone in her room throwing a fit screaming long enough and come back in 20 mins, she's calmed down and is like a new person.

The worst is she gets physically violent - scratching hitting adults, she also gets verbally abusive ("go away mommy! GO AWAY!") etc.

I gently suggest you reconsider your need to be the boss and "win" a physical fight with a 3 year old. She is not a wolf challenging you for pack leadership, she is a child who naturally wants to please you and literally cannot control what she is doing. She is also a person who will be a teen and then an adult: I am big, you are little is a pretty disturbing message.

She is not going to go to college unable to brush her teeth or hair. It doesn't hurt you to be screamed at. Think of it as an less that Wil pass, if that helps you. Let her feel her anger and upset, and learn (from you, ideally) how to deal with her emotions productively. I have anger issues myself and parenting classes helped me not see myself in a battle with my child that I had to win by dominating her.

Thanks. This makes sense too. I do feel, in general, the way you raise your toddlers can impact them as kids and later teenagers, and so sometimes giving in to them (negotiating with terrorists) is not a good strategy. But perhaps I over stated my feelings about it- I just mean that I am the grown up, I get to decide that it's important to brush her teeth. Like a dont let the inmates run the asylum type analogy

Anonymous wrote:These years can be so frustrating... have you tried brushing your teeth or hair first? Does she follow you into the bathroom and maybe want to imitate you? Maybe make it seem like you're having so much fun doing it...lol. Have you thought of a musical toothbrush or a brush with her favorite character on it? Worth a shot. Just something to make it a fun time. There are some great suggestions here https://bit.ly/2uaTRad also. Really hope something helps. Best wishes!