Anonymous
Post 06/18/2018 09:33     Subject: Re:Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.


I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!


It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 23:46     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I totally get it, OP. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean that you are on duty 24/7 while DH gets to sit around watching the or playing on his phone. It’s even more frustrating when your spouse doesn’t clean up their own messes. Playing mommy to a grown man isn’t in the job description. And most importantly, being a man-child who is incapable of basic adult functions is so unattactive. Last night my DH got upset because I wouldn’t help him give our toddler a bath. What kind of grown man needs help with that?? There’s not even room for two people at the tub!

Anyway, what I’ve done is tried to simplify our lives as much as possible. I started a very minimalist lifestyle and every 6 months I go through my house and get rid of tons of stuff. Especially toys. I also make my DD pick up after herself. She’s two, but she’s understands that she needs to clean up very well. Same breakfast and lunch every day, and I have about a dozen easy dinners I rotate through. Grilling is easy cleanup and as a bonus the man feels like he has to pitch in.

I also have a man I exchange flirty texts with. It’s one thing in my life that makes me feel good about myself. But I give myself reality checks that there is no life with any other man. In reality, relationships are hard. I’d probably end up in the same situation with another man-child. I know most men are just trying to hit it and quit it, and I’m not giving up my lifestyle so that obnoxious guys can get laid then disappear. So I enjoy my fantasy with the guy I text, but remind myself that it’s the fantasy I want, not the reality.



Thanks for this and understanding. Relationships are hard and I feel like I got blindsided by this. I feel that I’m trapped forever working honestly from 6am until I drop at 9:30pm while my DH just watches tv at the end of his workday. The kids prefer me as he doesn’t try to engage them so they are often cling to me. I feel like a modern day slave. We have a good lifestyle, but money and lululemon and vacations aren’t everything. I’m not sure if I would be happier alone or if it would be better for my kids (since obviously they come before any of my needs or desires). Every holiday, birthday, event I am busting my butt while he relaxes 100%. Crying doesn’t help. Getting mad doesn’t help. I do it for my kids but I’m afraid I have so much resentment I’m going to get cancer or something.


OK, sounds like you all have money to spare. so get a FT nanny or at least an au pair if you can tolerate someone living in your house and training a new one every 1-2 years. Once your 3 kids are in school and all need to be different places at 3pm or 4pm you will need to clone yourself anyhow.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 23:41     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:My DH is a kind, sweet man but he does not clean up after himself or do pretty much anything around the house. I am a sahm to three young kids nd I need some help. Conversations have changed nothing. I do 95% of childcare, chores, yard, car, grocery, cooking. We outsource as much as we can afford but it’s not enough. I am so resentful about it and we fight about every other week. I don’t know what else to do and I think he’s hopeless. Can someone help me understand this? The bottom line is I feel like he doesn’t love or respect me enough to try to help although he says verbally differently.

I am finding myself attracted to other men because of this and I’m ashamed to admit that I have a couple of flirty text convos going with other men.

I wonder if my life would be better just living alone and sharing custody and dating occasionally. I feel like I have a 4th child in my DH.


This should not be. He needs to be zero footprint, responsibly adult or make more money, never home and paying for domestic help.

If he's neither of those he may be: Lazy, Stupid, Selfish, Misogynist, Slob, ADD, Dementia, Thyroid energy program, Obese or all of the above.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 23:38     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:This isn’t divorcing over a lack of chores. This is divorcing because you want to be with another man. Which is fine, but be truthful about it.

There is no difference between what you’re thinking about and a husband leaving his family for his secretary/soulmate.


Divorcing because a ManChild or selfish husband does zero to contribute to the family except a paycheck is common unless he is very thankful to you and pulling in significant $750k+ gross income. Otherwise, something will have to give.
The worst is when DH is in NoMansLand: Not enough income to afford nannies, housekeepers, cleaners, private school/camps + Too much hours to do anything at home. If he is in NoMansLand he needs a different job with less hours and to be an active parent and spouse, OR he needs to pull in bank, outsource everything and not do much with the family except vacation/holiday times.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 23:23     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:SAHM. 95% of the chores is your job.

I SAHM each summer. I get that it’s boring and exhausting doing chores and errands. But your DH is keeping the bills paid by going to a job that is probably also boring and exhausting.


That's not true. He should AT A BARE MINIMUM pick up after himself and leave no messes plus pitch in when home to teach his kids to do the same (once age 2+) and do it for the kids (age <2 yo).

I would never be a SAHM for a spouse who took everything for granted, never appreciated all that had to be done and managed, or worse, never appreciated it b/c he was self-centered and clueless. That is indeed a recipe for divorce.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 16:22     Subject: Re:Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.


I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 15:59     Subject: Re:Divorce over lack of chores?
OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 15:49     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The hypocrites on here and crazy. If OP was a man and was on beee talking about sexhamging flirt texts with other women, there would be lashes upon pages bashing him. Why does Op get a pass because she is a woman? She’s cheating.
Emotional cheating is cheating. It’s pathetic and disgusting.

Op, you want to why divorced, get divorced, but be honest with yourself and come clean to your dh. You want to leave because you want to date other men. You’re a cheater. Your dh deserves better. He deserves a faithful spouse. Him not doing chores is no excuse for cheating. You don’t sound like you are that great of a partner either.



+1. OP is a cheater. This is why I hate feminism. If a man did the same, this would be a witch hunt. OP is a female so no one cares that she is a cheater. She doesn’t work, but has the audacity to cheat on the man who is working hard to provide her and their children a good life. Divorce him because he deserves better!


Most feminists aren’t upset about men cheating but not upset about women doing so. We either think it’s wrong for both or don’t care about adultery no matter who does it.


Well it isn’t coming through on this thread. Most are not even mentioning Ops cheating. If it were a man, he would be ripped and dragged through the mud. Maybe Op should stop cheating and she will have more time to focus on chores. Sorry her husband is too busy working to provide for heir lifestyle. She sounds lazy.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 14:47     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The hypocrites on here and crazy. If OP was a man and was on beee talking about sexhamging flirt texts with other women, there would be lashes upon pages bashing him. Why does Op get a pass because she is a woman? She’s cheating.
Emotional cheating is cheating. It’s pathetic and disgusting.

Op, you want to why divorced, get divorced, but be honest with yourself and come clean to your dh. You want to leave because you want to date other men. You’re a cheater. Your dh deserves better. He deserves a faithful spouse. Him not doing chores is no excuse for cheating. You don’t sound like you are that great of a partner either.



+1. OP is a cheater. This is why I hate feminism. If a man did the same, this would be a witch hunt. OP is a female so no one cares that she is a cheater. She doesn’t work, but has the audacity to cheat on the man who is working hard to provide her and their children a good life. Divorce him because he deserves better!


Most feminists aren’t upset about men cheating but not upset about women doing so. We either think it’s wrong for both or don’t care about adultery no matter who does it.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 14:39     Subject: Re:Divorce over lack of chores?
Op mentioned they outsource as much as possible but it’s not enough. I’d like to know what gets outsourced.

We are friends with a couple and she would also complain that she was doing 95 percent of household stuff. Which was probably true. But that was because their two kids were both in half day daycare starting at 1, she had a mother’s helper two afternoons a week, her parents lived a block away and would often watch the kids for a few hours during the week (or she and her mom would have a glass of wine while the kids played), they had a weekly Housecleaner and weekly yard care. So yes, of what remained, she was doing 95 percent and he only 5 percent. And yes, he did expect her to pick up more slack during he weekends. But according to her, he was lazy and didn’t contribute.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 14:38     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Short of cheating or abuse, you have 3 choices. Changing his behavior is not one of them. You can divorce, stay miserable, or change your attitude. Make it part of the deal. When you pick up clothes or dishes DH has left, don’t resent it. Practice gratitude for all of the things DH does that he doesn’t have to. Fake it til you make it. By keeping score you will never be happy.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 14:36     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
It is your job to take care of the home. If it makes you feel better then limit your chores to 8AM to 6PM or whatever. But make no mistake if you’re a SAHM this is all your job.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 14:34     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
The status quo isn't working. The easiest way to shake it up is for you to get a job. I'd try that and see how it affects the chore dynamic.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 14:34     Subject: Divorce over lack of chores?
Anonymous wrote:The hypocrites on here and crazy. If OP was a man and was on beee talking about sexhamging flirt texts with other women, there would be lashes upon pages bashing him. Why does Op get a pass because she is a woman? She’s cheating.
Emotional cheating is cheating. It’s pathetic and disgusting.

Op, you want to why divorced, get divorced, but be honest with yourself and come clean to your dh. You want to leave because you want to date other men. You’re a cheater. Your dh deserves better. He deserves a faithful spouse. Him not doing chores is no excuse for cheating. You don’t sound like you are that great of a partner either.



+1. OP is a cheater. This is why I hate feminism. If a man did the same, this would be a witch hunt. OP is a female so no one cares that she is a cheater. She doesn’t work, but has the audacity to cheat on the man who is working hard to provide her and their children a good life. Divorce him because he deserves better!
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2018 14:30     Subject: Re:Divorce over lack of chores?
You need to outsource more.
Add up all of the hours you spend on cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Multiply by $20. Subtract what you spend on a cleaning service and take out. That’s how much it will cost you.
If it’s less than what it will cost for him to maintain an apartment when you divorce, then you come out ahead.