Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

taketothebank wrote:

I doubt they do. But at the same time, I am unclear on how negative an impact it has to model a relationship for them in which the mom and dad never talk, kiss, or act affectionate. And right now, DH goes out in the evenings to the gym or to visit his friends, so most nights he's not even home until 9pm. What would really be different if we got divorced, I wonder?

The economics of your life are likely to be very different post-divorce.

I made a deal with my EXDW to split my income for five years after our divorce (both kids are adults and I help them with graduate school, etc.) If we had gone to court, it is likely I would not have owed her as much support; however, she did stay home for a number of years with the kids and I wanted to make sure she got as good a start on single life as was possible.

One question. Have you considered the fact that your DH may be having an affair? The fact that he is out most nights until 9:00 pm without you (and not at work) seems like he might have something else going on. Best of luck to you.

You do realize that what your wife gave you, you couldn't get by yourself right? The kids. You can't have kids. I don't think that men are doing their wives any favor by supporting them post divorce. In every case, I see women come out poorer than the men. To me, it should be a fifty-fifty split since the most valuable asset in a marriage was brought to the table by the mother.

It actually sounds like he was pretty generous to her.

Maybe by our society's standards, but she was generous. She allowed half of his DNA to grow inside her, then pushed out the babies, and nurtured them. You're welcome.

It's different for every person. Factors always vary. Life is mostly about management. Management includes money, time, feelings, health and needs/feelings of dependents. The hardest decisions come when the positives and negatives are close to equal when deciding either way. In that case go with your gut , buy in 100 percent resolve to manage it to best of your ability.

You do realize that what your wife gave you, you couldn't get by yourself right? The kids. You can't have kids. I don't think that men are doing their wives any favor by supporting them post divorce. In every case, I see women come out poorer than the men. To me, it should be a fifty-fifty split since the most valuable asset in a marriage was brought to the table by the mother.

I think the point the PP had was that he did not have to give his EDH 50%, not matter what you think is fair.

When one spouse earns more than 50% more than the other, Fairfax Circuit Court decided the higher breadwinner should pay 30 percent of her or his income, less half the amount of the lower breadwinner’s income. If you do the math, that is very seldom a 50%-50% split. Remember, child support is not determined in under the same set of guidelines as spousal support.

Given this fact, it is lkely he gave her a better deal than he would have been forced to under a court's order.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work? Are you okay with the idea of being alone and not finding another significant other? If you are not scared of the financial impact, then I would say yes. You don't want to live the rest of your life (and there's still a lot of it) miserable each day.

I just divorced at 52. I have no problem being by myself and really have no desire for another "significant other." Frankly, I was done with the constant disrespect, the fighting, the having to ask the SO for their input on virtually everything. No thank you anymore. Got my $500K of assets and off I went. Very happy indeed.

Per Fidelity, you probably should have about 7x your salary in savings at your age. So your 500k supports about a 70k HHI lifestyle

Doesn't include my pension. But you know what, staying with my toxic, abusive ex wife would have been worth me having a 0K HHI. I've run calculators and will be replacing about 80 percent of my income between my TSP, my Federal pension and social security. I am not worried.

Good for you!

She’ll probably get 1/2 if your pensions and TSP, at least the part earned during the marriage. My XDH is getting half of my federal pension.

Anonymous wrote:

taketothebank wrote:

I doubt they do. But at the same time, I am unclear on how negative an impact it has to model a relationship for them in which the mom and dad never talk, kiss, or act affectionate. And right now, DH goes out in the evenings to the gym or to visit his friends, so most nights he's not even home until 9pm. What would really be different if we got divorced, I wonder?

The economics of your life are likely to be very different post-divorce.

I made a deal with my EXDW to split my income for five years after our divorce (both kids are adults and I help them with graduate school, etc.) If we had gone to court, it is likely I would not have owed her as much support; however, she did stay home for a number of years with the kids and I wanted to make sure she got as good a start on single life as was possible.

One question. Have you considered the fact that your DH may be having an affair? The fact that he is out most nights until 9:00 pm without you (and not at work) seems like he might have something else going on. Best of luck to you.

You do realize that what your wife gave you, you couldn't get by yourself right? The kids. You can't have kids. I don't think that men are doing their wives any favor by supporting them post divorce. In every case, I see women come out poorer than the men. To me, it should be a fifty-fifty split since the most valuable asset in a marriage was brought to the table by the mother.

It actually sounds like he was pretty generous to her.

taketothebank wrote:

I doubt they do. But at the same time, I am unclear on how negative an impact it has to model a relationship for them in which the mom and dad never talk, kiss, or act affectionate. And right now, DH goes out in the evenings to the gym or to visit his friends, so most nights he's not even home until 9pm. What would really be different if we got divorced, I wonder?

The economics of your life are likely to be very different post-divorce.

I made a deal with my EXDW to split my income for five years after our divorce (both kids are adults and I help them with graduate school, etc.) If we had gone to court, it is likely I would not have owed her as much support; however, she did stay home for a number of years with the kids and I wanted to make sure she got as good a start on single life as was possible.

One question. Have you considered the fact that your DH may be having an affair? The fact that he is out most nights until 9:00 pm without you (and not at work) seems like he might have something else going on. Best of luck to you.

You do realize that what your wife gave you, you couldn't get by yourself right? The kids. You can't have kids. I don't think that men are doing their wives any favor by supporting them post divorce. In every case, I see women come out poorer than the men. To me, it should be a fifty-fifty split since the most valuable asset in a marriage was brought to the table by the mother.

OP, also remember that your spouses new SO could abuse your kids psychologically, and you would have very little control over that. No trivial issue.

OP, my mother left my father at 58. She was not able to find anyone new as in a husband, but made new friends. My father remarried, and that was a disaster. Men find new spouses much easier at that age, but his judgment was off. That said, they are both much more miserable than my in-laws who stuck it out. Also, it cost them a ton financially. My father's wife will disinherit us, plus my mother is impoverished. THINK.

I doubt they do. But at the same time, I am unclear on how negative an impact it has to model a relationship for them in which the mom and dad never talk, kiss, or act affectionate. And right now, DH goes out in the evenings to the gym or to visit his friends, so most nights he's not even home until 9pm. What would really be different if we got divorced, I wonder?

The economics of your life are likely to be very different post-divorce.

I made a deal with my EXDW to split my income for five years after our divorce (both kids are adults and I help them with graduate school, etc.) If we had gone to court, it is likely I would not have owed her as much support; however, she did stay home for a number of years with the kids and I wanted to make sure she got as good a start on single life as was possible.

One question. Have you considered the fact that your DH may be having an affair? The fact that he is out most nights until 9:00 pm without you (and not at work) seems like he might have something else going on. Best of luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:The OP said "disrespect and lack of intimacy" and you have posters suggesting to join weight watchers or a book club. The crux is, that after you raise your kids, your personal happiness is of no consequence. In fact you are supposed to switch to the 50+ forum where you don't discuss fashion but instead it's about looking after aging parents before you get to be your husband's caregiver. In other words, your life is going to be a "whole lot of nothing." You're not supposed to take any risks, change or do anything "reckless" ever again. The reason everyone with real money gets divorced is because they can.

Yes, this.

OP, keep all your options open. Do some research into divorce, see what's involved, what it will cost, and weigh your options. Try to imagine life post divorce when your kids are spending weekends or holidays with your former spouse. It would be difficult, but is it worse than staying married?

You know in your gut what's right. Staying in an abusive marriage with a spouse who won't go to therapy and won't change is hopeless. If that's the case, get out. If you are just indifferent, bored and lonely, there might be hope if you and your spouse can change. Only you know the answer.

When it comes to divorce, the rule is, the answer is always "yes." (That is, if you're really fixating on it.)

Love and passion rarely come back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much have you both invested recently in getting to the root of the problem/making effort to fix what’s wrong?

PP age 54. We tried counseling. No good. The root of the problem: neither of us desires, or really even likes, the other. I am pretty sure my spouse is fixated on someone else, too.

That's a lot of married couples. I'm in a good marriage but if I was divorced I wouldn't be attracted to any 54 year old men. I would stay single and could be happy as long as I had good finances. Honestly, that's the big one. Whether you can be comfortable financially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work? Are you okay with the idea of being alone and not finding another significant other? If you are not scared of the financial impact, then I would say yes. You don't want to live the rest of your life (and there's still a lot of it) miserable each day.

I just divorced at 52. I have no problem being by myself and really have no desire for another "significant other." Frankly, I was done with the constant disrespect, the fighting, the having to ask the SO for their input on virtually everything. No thank you anymore. Got my $500K of assets and off I went. Very happy indeed.

Per Fidelity, you probably should have about 7x your salary in savings at your age. So your 500k supports about a 70k HHI lifestyle

Doesn't include my pension. But you know what, staying with my toxic, abusive ex wife would have been worth me having a 0K HHI. I've run calculators and will be replacing about 80 percent of my income between my TSP, my Federal pension and social security. I am not worried.

Good for you!

Anonymous wrote:The OP said "disrespect and lack of intimacy" and you have posters suggesting to join weight watchers or a book club. The crux is, that after you raise your kids, your personal happiness is of no consequence. In fact you are supposed to switch to the 50+ forum where you don't discuss fashion but instead it's about looking after aging parents before you get to be your husband's caregiver. In other words, your life is going to be a "whole lot of nothing." You're not supposed to take any risks, change or do anything "reckless" ever again. The reason everyone with real money gets divorced is because they can.

So you ditch your husband, split your assets and then what? You suddenly reverse the clock and go back 20 years and become young, wild and free? No. If you want to do something exciting, you don't have to wait until you are divorced to do it (assuming it doesn't involve cheating).

If you're divorced, you'll still be you only now you won't have your long term marriage and the kids will be splitting the holidays, birthdays, summers, vacations between you and your ex.

If Op's husband has truly checked out and is off "living his own life" while still being married to OP and not even coming home until Op has already gone to bed then it is serious discussion time. Ideally you nip that sort of thing in the bud when it first starts to happen and before your marriage goes off the rails. But it sounds like, this is a well established pattern with the Op's husband so talking about it now may not do much good. Still worth a try, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband want? Staying together for kids in misery does more harm than good and will teach them to do the same in their relationships, BAD precedent to set in their lives....get counseling for yourself, then once you have your own footing emotionally, ask him to do marriage counseling together, if he refuses then I would absolutely divorce, you've got a whole lot of life ahead of you.

In a low-conflict relationship, where the parents are otherwise good co-parents, do the kids even notice the lack of affection and intimacy between the parents?

I'm in that exact situation and it's not like you can exactly ask the kids, "hey have you noticed that mommy and daddy don't love each other?"

I doubt they do. But at the same time, I am unclear on how negative an impact it has to model a relationship for them in which the mom and dad never talk, kiss, or act affectionate. And right now, DH goes out in the evenings to the gym or to visit his friends, so most nights he's not even home until 9pm. What would really be different if we got divorced, I wonder?