Anonymous wrote:

There are no inheritance worries. DH and his brother (and brother's kids) have a small sum of money coming from the will, but the majority of Inlaw's money is going to DS14. We know this because DH is a lawyer and helped draft their will.

And for those worried about DS15, we try to make sure he knows he is loved just as much as DS14.

By helping to set things up so his little brother inherits everything?

This has to be a troll; no one is this much of an idiot.

OP here to answer some questions.

Someone asked about why my husband doesn't want to cut out my inlaws. Aside from them being his parents, he feels like he owes them.

There are no inheritance worries. DH and his brother (and brother's kids) have a small sum of money coming from the will, but the majority of Inlaw's money is going to DS14. We know this because DH is a lawyer and helped draft their will.

And for those worried about DS15, we try to make sure he knows he is loved just as much as DS14. He is generally very happy and well adjusted, and has a great relationship with my parents. Sadly, my parents live 3+ hours away so they can't visit as much as the inlaws. But they talk to the kids on the phone and computer, and visit 4-5 times a year.

If you don’t make clear, via action, that this is not OK, your 15yo may end up cutting you off. Get it together, OP.

How’s the relationship between your 2 sons?

I just want to chime in to tell you to be vigilant about eating disorders in your eldest child. People think that only girls get eating disorders but I knew a guy who was anorexic.

I was raised as ‘stupid’ while my older brother, my grandfather’s namesake, was the golden boy. Years of struggle with this as an adult. I have spoken to my mother 3 times in 30 years, and my brother once.

I would eliminate all contact with the grandparents and I would speak frankly and directly, with examples, of their incredibly vile actions.

You married an abusive loser. How can you possibly get sexy for someone so disgustingly repulsive. Nothing less attractive than a horrible father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 15. I don't understand the point of cutting the ILs off at this point. What were you doing all the years prior? Why is it suddenly a problem enough for you to face it? Were you able to keep up the pretend equal love for all those years (like your fake Christmas presents) and now you cannot anymore? If you were keeping up with the fake love, no wonder your child is crying for an hour. Come clean with your kid, help him deal with reality were some people are more liked than others. Repair the damage you've done. Seems like you are focusing on the wrong things. ILs are not the issue at this point. You are the issue and how you choose to deal with it.

The point would be to show her son that it is not OK for people to treat him badly. I am appalled that the OP seems to be the only member of the entire family willing to stand up for her 15 year old son. WTH is wrong with his father and brother? Pretty sure I know what is wrong with the grandparents.

It would have been better if OP had taken action about this years ago, but it is infinitely better if she does it now rather than never doing it at all. If she does nothing, her older son will become an adult knowing his family of origin allowed him to be abused and never stood up for him, and her younger son will think it is OK to accept the spoils of this kind of horrible unequal treatment. It will warp them both forever. If she takes a stand now she can show the 15 year old what real family love is, and hopefully give the brothers a chance to have a relationship some day.

I am generally very against cutting family off, but the way your in-laws are behaving is appalling. Your DH’s stance is awful - he is willing to take the kids away from you their mother?! What the hell. You are in a difficult position - I think what I would do is tell them you will not see them anymore and tell your 15 DS he is not required to see them anymore, and they are not welcome in your home. If your DH and 14DS want to see them you can’t stop them, but you can protect your other son. If DS wants to divorce you, he is not going to get full custody (it would be 50/50) and at 15, your DH will not be able to force his son to see his grandparents (and I imagine 15DS will opt to live with you). So either way, you and 15DS are free.

I am wondering if the older child takes after his mom's side of the family, physically, and the younger one looks like the GPs.

Anyway, I agree with the PPs that "ghosting" them it the right move here, given your husband's idiotic stance. (Can you afford to pay them back for the college education? I would, and be free of them.) Just don't be available all that often. Don't let the boys be alone with them with you present (yes, I know that this will stink for you, as you'll need to spend time with these awful people.) If they say something awful to your older son, say "Oh look at the time, we need to be running." and you leave with both boys. Maybe they get it, maybe they won't.

And be 100% honest with your older son that you think that the GPs are terrible people and that he shouldn't be upset by how they treat him because it reflects only on them. (He's probably wondering "Why do they hate me?" so if you can plausibly tell him something like "You look like me, and they don't like me, so they take it out on you, which is totally unfair," it might help.)

Anonymous wrote:OP here, while I would happily cut contact, DH is insistent that we can't. DH feels he is in debt to MIL and FIL for paying for college and has made it clear that he will start divorce proceedings and take the kids should I press the issue. He thinks that going no contact would hurt DS14 and that we should be trying to improve DS15's relationship with his grandparents, not cutting it out.

Your sons are old enough to have a say in who they spend time with. It is an empty threat by DH that he could 'take the kids.' BS. DH was raised by this pair and is probably warped and only too accustomed to dysfunction. OP, you need to forge a separate bond between yourself and your sons and help repair their relationship with each other. The two of them will know each other many years down the road and what you do now can make a big difference.

Meanwhile go read about the Golden Child and the Scapegoat. There is plenty of stuff out there about this sort of dysfunctional pitting of siblings against each other. Is your DH the Golden Child in his generation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 15. I don't understand the point of cutting the ILs off at this point. What were you doing all the years prior? Why is it suddenly a problem enough for you to face it? Were you able to keep up the pretend equal love for all those years (like your fake Christmas presents) and now you cannot anymore? If you were keeping up with the fake love, no wonder your child is crying for an hour. Come clean with your kid, help him deal with reality were some people are more liked than others. Repair the damage you've done. Seems like you are focusing on the wrong things. ILs are not the issue at this point. You are the issue and how you choose to deal with it.

The point would be to show her son that it is not OK for people to treat him badly. I am appalled that the OP seems to be the only member of the entire family willing to stand up for her 15 year old son. WTH is wrong with his father and brother? Pretty sure I know what is wrong with the grandparents.

It's been 15 years. Did OP just wake up? Lots of damage is already done and more will be done with a drastic approach. I am all for cutting of people, but at the right time. Here we have teenagers who should be able to form their own relationship with grandparents at this point (aka 15yo should be saying "screw you, grandma " instead of crying)

DP. Not necessarily pro-cutting off. However, this is also an issue for the 14 y/o. OP and DH could have used this as opportunity to teach him to be kind and to politely stand up for his brother. The grandparents will be dead for the majority of both sons lives and fostering a healthy relationship of mutual support between the two boys so at this point it’s a little bit more than just explaining sometimes people don’t like you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 15. I don't understand the point of cutting the ILs off at this point. What were you doing all the years prior? Why is it suddenly a problem enough for you to face it? Were you able to keep up the pretend equal love for all those years (like your fake Christmas presents) and now you cannot anymore? If you were keeping up with the fake love, no wonder your child is crying for an hour. Come clean with your kid, help him deal with reality were some people are more liked than others. Repair the damage you've done. Seems like you are focusing on the wrong things. ILs are not the issue at this point. You are the issue and how you choose to deal with it.

The point would be to show her son that it is not OK for people to treat him badly. I am appalled that the OP seems to be the only member of the entire family willing to stand up for her 15 year old son. WTH is wrong with his father and brother? Pretty sure I know what is wrong with the grandparents.

It's been 15 years. Did OP just wake up? Lots of damage is already done and more will be done with a drastic approach. I am all for cutting of people, but at the right time. Here we have teenagers who should be able to form their own relationship with grandparents at this point (aka 15yo should be saying "screw you, grandma " instead of crying)

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 15. I don't understand the point of cutting the ILs off at this point. What were you doing all the years prior? Why is it suddenly a problem enough for you to face it? Were you able to keep up the pretend equal love for all those years (like your fake Christmas presents) and now you cannot anymore? If you were keeping up with the fake love, no wonder your child is crying for an hour. Come clean with your kid, help him deal with reality were some people are more liked than others. Repair the damage you've done. Seems like you are focusing on the wrong things. ILs are not the issue at this point. You are the issue and how you choose to deal with it.

The point would be to show her son that it is not OK for people to treat him badly. I am appalled that the OP seems to be the only member of the entire family willing to stand up for her 15 year old son. WTH is wrong with his father and brother? Pretty sure I know what is wrong with the grandparents.

Your kids are 14 and 15. I don't understand the point of cutting the ILs off at this point. What were you doing all the years prior? Why is it suddenly a problem enough for you to face it? Were you able to keep up the pretend equal love for all those years (like your fake Christmas presents) and now you cannot anymore? If you were keeping up with the fake love, no wonder your child is crying for an hour. Come clean with your kid, help him deal with reality were some people are more liked than others. Repair the damage you've done. Seems like you are focusing on the wrong things. ILs are not the issue at this point. You are the issue and how you choose to deal with it.