Anonymous wrote:

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OP here. This is an interesting response. We left the States about a year ago for this three year tour, and given the ages of our kids and that we will likely be back in DC for a couple years after this tour that we wouldn’t go home and would emphasize traveling in the part of the world where we are stationed and invite our families to visit as often as for as long as they would like. Our respective families were originally supportive of this but the wedding seems to have changed things.

Of course it has changed things. It was one thing when they were thinking about how they’ll miss all of you but you’ll be back and you all can make up for lost time then. But now it’s the reality that you are missing major life milestones for the rest of the family and those things can’t be made up, which feels very differentl

Anonymous wrote:

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OP here. This is an interesting response. We left the States about a year ago for this three year tour, and given the ages of our kids and that we will likely be back in DC for a couple years after this tour that we wouldn’t go home and would emphasize traveling in the part of the world where we are stationed and invite our families to visit as often as for as long as they would like. Our respective families were originally supportive of this but the wedding seems to have changed things.

OP weddings are seminal events. There is no getting around that, that is why you are all already acknowledging that DH goes no matter what. Having a one month old newborn is certainly a valid reason for you not to attend. My DH's brother's wedding was scheduled when I was very very pregnant and it was my second pregnancy, the first had ended at 34 weeks due to huge complication that I was at high risk for the second time around. We also had a 2 year old.

We told everyone from day 1 that we might not be able to make it because it would be very difficult to predict the end of my pregnancy and that if things were looking at all dicey DH himself wouldn't be able to attend (the only thing that trump's sibling wedding is direly ill wife and newborn!). But we still bought tickets, we behaved as if we were coming and it ended up that I was able to attend. We made it look like we WANTED to come, like we wanted to try as hard as we could because that is the type of thing that you show up for. And I don't regret it, it was really meaningful for DH and his family for everyone to be there.

Its one thing to say you're not making any fun trips home, its another to say that NO MATTER WHAT you will not be coming home. What if your mom died a month after you had the newborn. Would you guys skip the funeral or would you all be getting on that plane? I don't say that to be harsh just like, that is the kind of thing this is.

But I do think your kids should be invited, if not to the ceremony itself then at minimum to ALLL the leading up festivities.

Your current plan to only send DH is completely appropriate. I can't think of anything more unpleasant than that duration of air travel with a 4 y/o, 2 y/o, and baby. You're generous enough sending DH while you're left home with that chaos on your own.

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OP here. This is an interesting response. We left the States about a year ago for this three year tour, and given the ages of our kids and that we will likely be back in DC for a couple years after this tour that we wouldn’t go home and would emphasize traveling in the part of the world where we are stationed and invite our families to visit as often as for as long as they would like. Our respective families were originally supportive of this but the wedding seems to have changed things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

Very silly reasoning. There are plenty of ways to stay connected.

Moving to an international has its costs. I agree with this. I have a parent in state and they miss things and frequently whine about missing them and I have no sympathy. I ALWAYS make an effort to visit and travel to events etc but it is different when someone is so far away. The time zones and long flights creep in on you.

I realized that was confusingly worded, I have a parent at the department of state who lives abroad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

Very silly reasoning. There are plenty of ways to stay connected.

Moving to an international has its costs. I agree with this. I have a parent in state and they miss things and frequently whine about missing them and I have no sympathy. I ALWAYS make an effort to visit and travel to events etc but it is different when someone is so far away. The time zones and long flights creep in on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

Very silly reasoning. There are plenty of ways to stay connected.

Can your husband go with just the 4 year old?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

Or maybe people like you can realize that there is more than one way to be a loving family. My parents have visited me wherever I have lived, gladly. We have had some really great times together — it doesn’t have to all be the ones who moved away from their hometowns traveling. Frankly, that’s small-minded.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

Exactly. Perhaps the grandparents could make the journey? I imagine they want to meet the baby, and they could see the world and culture where their family is right now. And possibly understand what that travel means.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

Pay a professional to stream it live.
The stress, cost, and hassle simply isn’t worth it.

You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Anonymous wrote:Traveling with a 1 month old is the best infant travel time. That said you and newborn don’t need to go. If it were just 1 older kid or if they were older I’d say he should bring the kids, but in your case DH should just go alone.

Also prepare yourself now for BIl’s kids to be the favored grandkids

Maybe for a roadtrip, but definitely not in the air for that long. Way too much exposure to people's germs and sicknesses and (potentially) unvaccinated children. Total no go from me.