Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:23     Subject: Re:Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a late loss (21 weeks) and it was a terrible and private battle. This made me scared to announce my next pregnancy until a viability age of about 26 weeks. My in laws were so so so mean and rude about it. I had to then explain my first loss and then they were mad they didn't know about that baby!!!!!! It did serious damage to the relationship. Tres lightmy here. The not wanting a shower, the late announcement, the no registry, these all scream "sensitive situation" to me. You never know what their last has held.


If you hadn’t told them after first trimester, and they hadn’t been informed of the terrible loss, I can see why they were hurt. Hurt by the late notice of pregnancy #2 and no notice of pregnancy #1.

If you and DH had an otherwise normal relationship with them, it would have come as a big shock—as has this news for the OP. You can’t expect folks to understand and make allowances for what they don’t know about.



BS. The only proper reaction is "I'm so sorry." They don't need to make it about themselves.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:22     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!


Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.


You have got to be kidding me.

Who gets ~humiliated~ because their adult child chose to not disclose a pregnancy? Perhaps people should consider how their behavior impacts their relationship with their family and in laws.

Nobody has a right to know except the parents and who the mothers doctor is. Nobody is entitled to know what’s going on with your body.


That's an f'ed up view on family. Do you think it's normal to hide a pregnancy from your parents and siblings?


Doesn’t sound like they were hiding it. Why do you feel you’re entitled to know about someone else’s pregnancy?


Because family members share important events with each other? Did you keep your pregnancies from your parents and siblings? This isn't a co-worker or friendly acquaintance.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:21     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Well, 6 months does seem late to announce it to family - but could they have had losses and are just not wanting to jinx it? I waited until 15 weeks to tell my family. Because we'd had so many losses up until then, including one at 13 weeks.

As to wanting no visitors until the 1st week at home, I totally understand that. I told DH no visitors in hospital at all - and luckily my family lives far away so they couldn't barge in, while his family is respectful and came over when we were ready for visitors.

As for the shower, some of my Jewish friends did not have showers. It's not unusual in some cultures. Shower them with gifts once the baby is here.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:18     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!


Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.


You have got to be kidding me.

Who gets ~humiliated~ because their adult child chose to not disclose a pregnancy? Perhaps people should consider how their behavior impacts their relationship with their family and in laws.

Nobody has a right to know except the parents and who the mothers doctor is. Nobody is entitled to know what’s going on with your body.


That's an f'ed up view on family. Do you think it's normal to hide a pregnancy from your parents and siblings?



How are they "hiding" the pregnancy? By not having a huge announcement, baby showers, gender reveal parties, etc? Ugh.

As someone who had my share of losses, had to deal with grieving said losses while dealing with unfortunate comments from my family, not to mention I am very introverted, I too waited to share my pregnancy news. Until you have walked in these shoes, don't judge. From my experience, it is my information to share when I want, how I want. The thing is, my siblings were over the moon excited for me, not wondering how the news impacted them. A lesson it seems OP should learn...


The baby is due in three months. They didn't intentionally share the information, they only told op because it conflicted with an event she was planning to host. I would be very sad if my sibling so nonchalantly shared such important news, and at the same time didn't inform our parents. I had my share of infertility and miscarriages myself - I get keeping the information quiet for a while. But no, this is not a normal way of relating to siblings and parents, and I understand op being upset.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:15     Subject: Re:Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
I can understand why someone would wait to announce a pregnancy. There are many reasons someone may wait a long time to announce: if they are very private people or if they have struggled with infertility/miscarriage or if your family is not close/there is dysfunctional history there or if they are having health issues/high risk pregnancy etc etc. However, for your brother to just casually text about it in response to your question about a Bbq is very strange. what's also strange is that you would text 3+ months in advance about a BBQ, which is usually a casual get together not planned that far out. Did you suspect something was up that caused you to reach out to them?
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:11     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!


Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.


You have got to be kidding me.

Who gets ~humiliated~ because their adult child chose to not disclose a pregnancy? Perhaps people should consider how their behavior impacts their relationship with their family and in laws.

Nobody has a right to know except the parents and who the mothers doctor is. Nobody is entitled to know what’s going on with your body.


That's an f'ed up view on family. Do you think it's normal to hide a pregnancy from your parents and siblings?



How are they "hiding" the pregnancy? By not having a huge announcement, baby showers, gender reveal parties, etc? Ugh.

As someone who had my share of losses, had to deal with grieving said losses while dealing with unfortunate comments from my family, not to mention I am very introverted, I too waited to share my pregnancy news. Until you have walked in these shoes, don't judge. From my experience, it is my information to share when I want, how I want. The thing is, my siblings were over the moon excited for me, not wondering how the news impacted them. A lesson it seems OP should learn...
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:05     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!


Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.


You have got to be kidding me.

Who gets ~humiliated~ because their adult child chose to not disclose a pregnancy? Perhaps people should consider how their behavior impacts their relationship with their family and in laws.

Nobody has a right to know except the parents and who the mothers doctor is. Nobody is entitled to know what’s going on with your body.


That's an f'ed up view on family. Do you think it's normal to hide a pregnancy from your parents and siblings?


Doesn’t sound like they were hiding it. Why do you feel you’re entitled to know about someone else’s pregnancy?
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:04     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:You've never lost a baby have you OP? It seems your brother and sil aren't so lucky. Have some compassion.

And I dont let people visit my babies until we've been home 2 weeks! That is my bonding time.


You sound weak. I hosted 30 relatives when my son was 5 days old. Granted it was just take out -but still
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 21:03     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, dcum has the most unnatural, unhealthy views on family relations.

Your brother and his wife's handling of this pregnancy is as weird as weird can get. It is beyond bizarre.

The only normal thing about the whole thing is you calling your mom and asking if she knew.

Your poor mom.

This is as weird as eff.


Totally agree! I'm so shocked at how many people think OP's reaction is off! WTH? Do you all have terrible family relationships? Sorry, but not sharing this news is a sign that you do not hold your family in close regard and that seems to be what is upsetting OP, and rightly so, if she didn't know her brother felt this way about the family before now. Many of the reason others are posting about why they may be acting this way are absolutely spot on... but in many families some of those reasons would be why you call family first and right away. It sounds like OP didn't realize her brother wasn't close to the family until just now. So yeah, it would hurt a lot to find out this way. Frankly, this isn't about the baby ... its about OP realizing her brother doesn't view family the way the rest of them do.


I don't believe OP has come back to answer any questions yet, so yes, while it's not typical, I don't think we can assume OP's brother is in the wrong here. It's possible he's distanced himself from a dysfunctional family and they only speak every few months as a formality.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 20:58     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!


Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.


You have got to be kidding me.

Who gets ~humiliated~ because their adult child chose to not disclose a pregnancy? Perhaps people should consider how their behavior impacts their relationship with their family and in laws.

Nobody has a right to know except the parents and who the mothers doctor is. Nobody is entitled to know what’s going on with your body.


That's an f'ed up view on family. Do you think it's normal to hide a pregnancy from your parents and siblings?
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 20:56     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, infertility, miscarriages and difficult pregnancies are widely discussed, and you STILL DON'T GET why they might not be sharing this news in a "normal way"? And you broke THEIR news to your mom?

You ignorant, selfish cow.


Oh shut it. Clearly the brother wasn't treating the information as something special that he wanted to share with the mom himself. Who knows when the family would have found out if op hadn't scheduled a BBQ on Labor Day? I went through the whole infertility journey myself for years. We were careful about telling family when I finally did get pregnant, but we certainly didn't share it over text as an afterthought like op's brother did.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 20:56     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
It's clear that they have had some infertility struggles. I would give them all the grace and space you can muster. Be happy for them but let them set the tone for how to proceed. If you haven't experienced loss then you may not understand how they are dealing with pregnancy.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 20:54     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!


Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.


You have got to be kidding me.

Who gets ~humiliated~ because their adult child chose to not disclose a pregnancy? Perhaps people should consider how their behavior impacts their relationship with their family and in laws.

Nobody has a right to know except the parents and who the mothers doctor is. Nobody is entitled to know what’s going on with your body.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 20:39     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
In this day and age, infertility, miscarriages and difficult pregnancies are widely discussed, and you STILL DON'T GET why they might not be sharing this news in a "normal way"? And you broke THEIR news to your mom?

You ignorant, selfish cow.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2018 20:38     Subject: Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?
Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!


Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.