Anonymous wrote:OP, I am having this exact same issue. Actually wrote my ex an email about this earlier this evening but haven't sent it because I'm reluctant to disrupt our good co-parenting relationship. But it is too much. My ex was also a cheater and I think he does it largely because he wants to ease his conscience and feel like a good guy. But he pushes the boundaries too far. So just letting you know you aren't alone.

I am a PP who posted above about ex coming into the home. I have a less benign take on it than you do. Cheating is all about control. The cheater wants to do what he/she wants to do while at the same time controlling the sexuality of the cheated upon partner. The cheater lies about his/her extra-marital relations so that the victim partner will stay in the relationship and stay sexual faithful.

When my now Ex comes into my home, he definitely notices things. He'll pop in anytime he has the kids to get something from my house for them. He used to go upstairs to use our private bathroom when he could have used a more neutral one in the basement. if I receive something like flowers, DH will comment on it, hoping I will give more info about who sent them. All of these are subtle ways of checking up on me and making sure I am not involved with anyone else. anyone else

OP, I am having this exact same issue. Actually wrote my ex an email about this earlier this evening but haven't sent it because I'm reluctant to disrupt our good co-parenting relationship. But it is too much. My ex was also a cheater and I think he does it largely because he wants to ease his conscience and feel like a good guy. But he pushes the boundaries too far. So just letting you know you aren't alone.

OP, you can set boundaries and you can change them. I have full custody and I used to tolerate my Ex in my house for long stretches with our kids watching movies or playing. They were little and it was safer to have them in my home. They are older know and at a certain point I cut off that kind of access. If the kids have something to do and need to be at my house (usually for homework), then Ex has to leave and comeback at an agreed time. If he wants then to do homework at his house, then it's up to him to provide an environment conducive to that - computer acces, a printer, wifi, a quiet space and support from a tutor if he is not able to support subject material himself.

You also don't necessarily have to have a big talk about it. Recently, I stopped allowing Ex into my home at drop off. I did this thru body language - I open thendorr and stand in front of it. The kids squeeze around me while I say "thanks for dropping them off". Ex is too big to squeeze around, so he stays on the porch. Without saying anything, he understands that he has not been invited in. Other times I will open the door and say "come on in" while walking away from him and still talking to him so he basically comes in and follows me in order to continue the conversation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine wanted us to go to dinner every Sunday at drop off. He was not trying to get back together with me. He was trying to hold onto the family aspect of things. I tried it for a bit, but was hard on me emotionally (he had cheated & other issues.) Now I no longer mind going 3-4 times a year.

Another case of someone trying to have his amicable divorce and his cheating too.

My cheating STBX DH wanted to bathe our child in my new home - regularly. I put my foot down on that and he was pissed.

I am married to someone who had a dd when we got married. When he picked her up he went up to the door (she was little) but never went inside. When her mom dropped her at our house, she used to come all the way in and talk forever and then leave. It was really intrusive. It was hard to get her to leave. It was also harder on the child transitioning. This isn't a male/female issue. This is a control issue or a boundaries issue. I gaurantee you this is apparent in other areas as well. I rode it out and eventually it stopped (actually we moved and they moved and so the set up was different). I guess you have to weigh making a thing out of it or just hoping it will stop after a bit. You could also start to meet them at the door and just say thanks! and close the door. Of course, you could text him and say thank for dopping them off. No need to come in! Good luck. I get it. It's invasive.

Tell him that you'd like to set some boundaries and you don't want him coming in unless invited.

Tell him that if he insists on giving you the monies in check form that he should drop it in the mailbox.

Sometimes life is only as hard as you make it. Your kids will be good because they have what appears to be a normal regular relationship with their father. As long as you continue not to speak ill of him, be polite and cordial when situations call for it, your kids will not be affected by whether he steps into YOUR home.

I don't know outside of the cheating what other issues you've had with him or yourself - consider therapy but above all else - know this. What YOU feel and want is just as important, if not more, than the people you care about in your life. Stand up for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:OP, he shouldn't. He really shouldn't. But this is a small thing. In the scheme of things, this is a small thing. Don't make it an issue. Things are comfortable-enough, don't make it an issue. Not under the circumstances that you have presently described.

I was initially thinking the same, but its her home. She should never feel this way in her home. Outside in the year or on the porch is one thing, but home is our sanctuary. I agree with being polite but direct and telling him its a no-go unless invited in. I think he has some guilt and is making himself feel better by being cordial and "helpful" (bringing dinner).

My ex used to do the same as well for several months until a guy friend (former single father, remarried) urged me to set boundaries and get my key back. My ex was living with his gf at the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. I do want to stay on friendly terms. I will do what is right for the kids but set better boundaries. Another thing that bothers me is he refuses to direct deposit my alimony and child support into my bank account. He wants to hand over the checks in person. I can"t understand he constant need for face to face contact.

I wouldn't do direct deposit either. Check is easier to prove if you try to say you didn't receive the money.

They are both just as easy to prove. Why can't he mail the checks? If you've told him you don't want him to do it face-to-face (I can't tell if you've just suggested direct deposit or just told him you have a strong preference) it sounds like a power move to me.

I didn't see that the issue was him handing the checks over in person. If I were him I would probably just set up bill pay to mail the checks each month.

I disagree that they are equally easy to prove. To prove DD you'd also need to subpoena or do a RFPD to get the bank statements for the counterparty. On the other hand, with a check, all you need is a copy of the check itself which you can print out online.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. I do want to stay on friendly terms. I will do what is right for the kids but set better boundaries. Another thing that bothers me is he refuses to direct deposit my alimony and child support into my bank account. He wants to hand over the checks in person. I can"t understand he constant need for face to face contact.

Weird. Do you think he still has a thing for you, is that why he is making an effort to interact with you?
This is why I put direct deposit in my PSA. Others who get divorced should make a note.

Either he is messing with you, or feeling like you are friendly eases his guilty conscience.

Yup, this. And, based on the follow up about the checks, I’d go with it being a power trip for him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. I do want to stay on friendly terms. I will do what is right for the kids but set better boundaries. Another thing that bothers me is he refuses to direct deposit my alimony and child support into my bank account. He wants to hand over the checks in person. I can"t understand he constant need for face to face contact.

Weird. Do you think he still has a thing for you, is that why he is making an effort to interact with you?
This is why I put direct deposit in my PSA. Others who get divorced should make a note.

Either he is messing with you, or feeling like you are friendly eases his guilty conscience.

+1 and he probably likes the feeling of control

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband left me for someone else. Not sure that it matters but it hurts having him in my home.

The reason does not matter and you don’t need a reason to say wait outside for the kids. Toughen up lady

+1 Yep. Also, I had a friend whose ex insisted and even did a search on her computer for emails that might implicate him in a divorce proceeding.