Issue the invitation as if you are telling all the grandparents at the same time (it’s pretty insensitive that you already chose to tell your family but not his)

“Maggie has a play afterschool on Thursday and would like to invite Grandma, Grandpa, Nana, and Papa. It should run from 3-4pm. Unfortunately this is followed immediately by a baseball practice that she just can’t skip so we won’t be able to celebrate afterwards in any meaningful way. I reminded her that this is a long drive for a short performance and no after-party so she’ll understand if it’s too much for you. If you are able to join us, let me know and I will hold seats. If your aren’t, I’ll aboluetely take some photos and she can share them with you and tell you all about it later.”

DH needs to send the invite to HIS parents and explain the situation that DW and DD will not be sticking around for chit-chat after the play. If the ILs show, then be pleasant and bolt right after the play. Done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't wait to be a MIL so that my DIL can invite her own family to my grandchildren's events and special days and exclude me- it will be especially awesome because I have one child.
Yes, it would be great if your in-laws were easier, but sometimes people are difficult- they age and become less flexible and more anxious.

Plus it sounds like FIL is the difficult one -- OP even said MIL is mostly ok. So you're wanting to exclude grandma bc you don't want to deal with the grumpy old guy for 10 min before a play? Ignore him and point them to their seats, done - and MIL gets an afternoon out and sees her granddaughter.

pp here- I just think the responses are rude. If there is a play, and DH is out of town DIL should invite. No one is saying she has to call ILs everyday, but not inviting them to an event is petty. I realize that sons have obligations too but even in the 21st century wives still generally do more of the gatekeeping in these matters. As a parent of a son these posts worry me- if he gets married someday and my DH becomes a crotchety old man that we’ll never see our grandkids.

Anonymous wrote:I can't wait to be a MIL so that my DIL can invite her own family to my grandchildren's events and special days and exclude me- it will be especially awesome because I have one child.
Yes, it would be great if your in-laws were easier, but sometimes people are difficult- they age and become less flexible and more anxious.

Plus it sounds like FIL is the difficult one -- OP even said MIL is mostly ok. So you're wanting to exclude grandma bc you don't want to deal with the grumpy old guy for 10 min before a play? Ignore him and point them to their seats, done - and MIL gets an afternoon out and sees her granddaughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:13, the solution to this is not to pressure women to be the most perfect DILs who treat everyone the same. The solution is to raise your SONS to grow up and value their nuclear family ties. So that the husbands in these situations will be in charge of nurturing and maintaining these relationships.

I don't resent my inlaws for wanting time with my kids. I LOVE that they love my kids. It's wonderful. I do resent that I am supposed to treat them equal to my own mother. Things have been better since I've nudged them to go through my DH and not me.

YES! I have trouble treating them the same as my mom and dad. I think I'd go insane if I had to keep things 100% equal. I call my mom daily and talk about my kids. My mom means everything to me. If I had to call my MIL daily, I wouldn't be able to deal. I would probably call my mom way less so I had to call my MIL less, which isn't fair to anyone.

Making sure your kids think of them as equally important is not the same as you thinking of them as equally important.

The dad should have that responsibility. He should talk about his family's history and things his parents like. He should put his parents first (over his inlaws) and let the kids see that. It's not on the mom.

It is on both of you. The dad is responsible IMO for maintaining relations with his family. He should be the one sending cards/texts/whatever. He should be the one managing disagreements when they come up. But if mom is inviting one set of grandparents to an event and not the other then mom isn't pulling the reasonable amount of weight she should be as a member of the family.