What else do you lie to him about?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

The vast majority of people on this forum are not going to think OP is a monster for wanting some time away from her husband and kids. Most of us, if we’re honest, feel the same way. But the lying is a problem. Don’t try to rationalize that.

Reread the last paragraph of the OP.

It’s all just rationalizing. Even the way she framed the post made that clear.

But I said the vast majority of people on this forum, not the moms OP was hanging out with. And clearly those responding here understand the wish for time away. We just don’t think it’s good to lie about it.

Understanding why someone would lie isn't the same as supporting and endorsing it. I advised her to be honest moving forward.

Anonymous wrote:4 trips a year, 3-4 days at a time is 12-16 days away. 2 weeks is a LOT of time to need away from your DH and kids.

I disagree but I think if you feel the need to lie about it, that’s a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

The vast majority of people on this forum are not going to think OP is a monster for wanting some time away from her husband and kids. Most of us, if we’re honest, feel the same way. But the lying is a problem. Don’t try to rationalize that.

Reread the last paragraph of the OP.

It’s all just rationalizing. Even the way she framed the post made that clear.

But I said the vast majority of people on this forum, not the moms OP was hanging out with. And clearly those responding here understand the wish for time away. We just don’t think it’s good to lie about it.

4 trips a year, 3-4 days at a time is 12-16 days away. 2 weeks is a LOT of time to need away from your DH and kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

The vast majority of people on this forum are not going to think OP is a monster for wanting some time away from her husband and kids. Most of us, if we’re honest, feel the same way. But the lying is a problem. Don’t try to rationalize that.

Reread the last paragraph of the OP.

Anonymous wrote:I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

The vast majority of people on this forum are not going to think OP is a monster for wanting some time away from her husband and kids. Most of us, if we’re honest, feel the same way. But the lying is a problem. Don’t try to rationalize that.

BTW you could just stop doing it without coming clean about the past. You don’t have to sit him down and say remember that trip in Dec 3 days before Christmas, that was to spend time in nyc for Christmas instead of prepping for our holidays at home. It’s bound to hurt feelings - if you wanted to go to nyc for Christmas, you don’t think DH and the kids wanted to see the same sights?!

Wanting a few days away? Normal.

Lying about it? Totally messed up.

If you’re in a relationship where you and your spouse can’t talk about this stuff and give each other breaks, you don’t have a good relationship.

Anonymous wrote:I travel nearly every week for 6 months out of the year. I definitely stay an extra day or fly a day early sometimes. I have also done the same thing in those 6 months when I don’t travel and just spent 2 nights in NYC, Minneapolis, Chicago - cities I frequent for work.

And do you lie about it? Because that’s the issue.

I travel a lot for work and have never done that. I usually try to get home ASAP. A few times DH has joined me for trips to good places and we’ve added a few days. And a couple of times I’ve added a day to tie in a visit to my kids at college/grad school. But I have never lied to DH.

I have a friend who does this to an extent. I don’t think she lies to her DH but I don’t think she’s super clear about how optional many of her trips are and everything is “for her career.” Already busy biglaw partner and she’ll definitely go to NYC and stay an extra day or 2 to work out of that office — and then uses her time at night to socialize with friends from her nyc days and says how guilt free she feels bc it’s not like her kids are waiting for her in nyc. Definitely goes to 1-2 conferences per year with no real client development potential. Already not home much but has joined some alumni board for her law school that requires her in person attendance 2-4 times/year. It’s just their marriage - he’s a SAHD who knows her career comes first and that’s just the price of entry. Will say though the behavior is now diminishing a touch bc her kids are in 4-5th grade and getting vocal about “you’re not coming to X?!” So now she has to schedule these things around them a bit which means she gets away less than she used to.

For everyone saying just tell DH, he’ll be ok with you going away. Um - not every DH is and I suspect OPs won’t be. Plus there are some DHs that encourage a girl’s weekend with girlfriends or your sister or a college alumni weekend but that doesn’t mean they’d be ok with DW flying to NYC and Miami 4 Times a year, for 3+ days at a time for a “break”? IDK why but what OP is doing is just different than the traditional getaways that women do.

OP is not even just extending trips. She is taking trips that are entirely personal getaways and lying, saying it is a business trip.

OP, I think you need to figure out why you're doing it and why you're lying in therapy. This is decidedly not normal...and could be a slippery slope (already you progressed from adding days to actual business trips to inventing business trips)...

No need for either of us to lie. DH and I both get our "me" time and an we have both gone away on our own with the other spouses approval and insistence. We also take weekend trips together.

Does your husband ever get to take a weekend to himself?