I just wanted to say good luck, OP. That is a really hard position to be in. I think a counselor for your daughter is important and I really would speak with a lawyer too as someone earlier suggested.

Let me get this straight.., you all are suggesting that OP essentially leave her husband and separate her other kids from their dad because it’s not fair for her ex that she has to move? Get real people. I don’t know what fantasy land you are all living in but no court would ever require that.

How do we know military dad is deploying? I realize the military does deploy but there are millions of people in the military and not all of them are in tradional deployment positions where they are “oceans” away for long periods of time.

Is the dad going to pay for any of the extra expenses associated with OP essentially maintaining two homes and flying her other kids back and forth to go see their dad? It’s for his benefit that she is becoming the equivalent of a single mom so he should contribute to the increased costs.

The two reasonable options are that mom moves and takes kid or mom moves and leaves kid here. A court cannot not consider a possible future move, only the actual move in question and whether it is in the best interests of the child.

I’d go with your kid’s preference at this age. If everything else is equal (it may not be), that’s what a court would probably rely on on anyway since the other factors are not decisive. It is possible a court would order an evaluation by a psychologist or guardian ad litem or something along those lines.

Anonymous wrote:I assumed what OP meant by DC wasn't feasible was due to the cost of living here and (assuming her new husband is retiring) they would not be receiving BAH to offset that cost.

Assuming he has a degree, or is smart and getting it, he should be able to get a job equal pay if not better. Most military we know do a lot better upon retirement if they were smart and got degrees that were meaningful. Plus, he'll get a pension (even if it is small if he's enlisted) and tricare/health care for minimal cost. They could make it work but they don't want to. If he is an officer, his retirement pay should be pretty decent.

I assumed what OP meant by DC wasn't feasible was due to the cost of living here and (assuming her new husband is retiring) they would not be receiving BAH to offset that cost.

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry, your post is confusing.

You said her dad is pcsing.

Then you said that he wilk want her to stay and you will want her to go.

That does not make sense.

Are you mom (non military), staying in DC and want kid to stay in DC?

Or are you dad (military) PCSing to another post and wanting daughter to move with you?

Saying the dad has an assignment and wants her to stay and other parent wants her to go makes no sense.

Her new / current DH is PCSing 1K miles away. ExDH will be in Washington DC.

Daughter stays with her established friends and routines and spends break with mom.

Or better yet, MOM stays with daughter in DC (who stays with friends and her established routine AND is able to continue a relationship with her dad) and mom visits her new DH and takes daughter with her during breaks. This is a horrendous situation to put your daughter in...all because you didn't think about the impact it might have on all of you when you chose to get remarried to a man who could be deployed oceans away from her own father. If you have new children with active duty husband, that really sucks, but they should stay with you too and your active duty husband should deploy and you can all visit him. It is not your EX-DH's fault that you chose to remarry someone who has to move away. He should not have to be okay with you moving his daughter that far away.

+1 exactly!!

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

+1 Yep, but in today's world, too many parents are only considering what's best for them. Kids' lives come second.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

Are you really a military spouse as you don't seem to know much? It doesn't matter where the home of record is. At retirement they will move you to where ever you want to go within the US, including HI (friends of ours move there). DC was not our home of record, CA would be and we still moved here. You can move back, but do not want to. You made a choice when you married military and have a commitment to child's father to allow him an equal relationship.

You can stop now. You don’t know the details and I am not going to explain further. Unfortunately you will just have to take my word for it that it is not financially feasible. I realize that’s going to be hard for you.

As I said, more than once, it’s not black and white. But thanks for always going there, it’s been super helpful.

It is feasible to move back. You are choosing not to and separate your child from her other parent. You may not want to move back, which is ok but don't blame the military or act like they will not pay for it.

For Pete’s sake!

Never said it was the military’s fault or they wouldn’t pay for the move. There are many factors for us to consider and it is not financially feasible for us to move back, irrespective of what the military will or won’t pay for. That fact doesn’t magically change just because you keep saying it is financially feasible.

Again, you don’t know what you are talking about when it comes to my particular situation.

How are you so sure it is not financially feasible three years down the line? Are you planning to mooch off someone else or something that you couldn't do in DC.

I agree that you are putting your daughter in a terrible position.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, your post is confusing.

You said her dad is pcsing.

Then you said that he wilk want her to stay and you will want her to go.

That does not make sense.

Are you mom (non military), staying in DC and want kid to stay in DC?

Or are you dad (military) PCSing to another post and wanting daughter to move with you?

Saying the dad has an assignment and wants her to stay and other parent wants her to go makes no sense.

Her new / current DH is PCSing 1K miles away. ExDH will be in Washington DC.

Daughter stays with her established friends and routines and spends break with mom.

Or better yet, MOM stays with daughter in DC (who stays with friends and her established routine AND is able to continue a relationship with her dad) and mom visits her new DH and takes daughter with her during breaks. This is a horrendous situation to put your daughter in...all because you didn't think about the impact it might have on all of you when you chose to get remarried to a man who could be deployed oceans away from her own father. If you have new children with active duty husband, that really sucks, but they should stay with you too and your active duty husband should deploy and you can all visit him. It is not your EX-DH's fault that you chose to remarry someone who has to move away. He should not have to be okay with you moving his daughter that far away.

You don't want to move back. You at a minimum need to offer, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, All summer and any holiday breaks longer than 3 days and fully pay air fare if you want to take your child with you.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

Are you really a military spouse as you don't seem to know much? It doesn't matter where the home of record is. At retirement they will move you to where ever you want to go within the US, including HI (friends of ours move there). DC was not our home of record, CA would be and we still moved here. You can move back, but do not want to. You made a choice when you married military and have a commitment to child's father to allow him an equal relationship.

You can stop now. You don’t know the details and I am not going to explain further. Unfortunately you will just have to take my word for it that it is not financially feasible. I realize that’s going to be hard for you.

As I said, more than once, it’s not black and white. But thanks for always going there, it’s been super helpful.

It is feasible to move back. You are choosing not to and separate your child from her other parent. You may not want to move back, which is ok but don't blame the military or act like they will not pay for it.

For Pete’s sake!

Never said it was the military’s fault or they wouldn’t pay for the move. There are many factors for us to consider and it is not financially feasible for us to move back, irrespective of what the military will or won’t pay for. That fact doesn’t magically change just because you keep saying it is financially feasible.

Again, you don’t know what you are talking about when it comes to my particular situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

Are you really a military spouse as you don't seem to know much? It doesn't matter where the home of record is. At retirement they will move you to where ever you want to go within the US, including HI (friends of ours move there). DC was not our home of record, CA would be and we still moved here. You can move back, but do not want to. You made a choice when you married military and have a commitment to child's father to allow him an equal relationship.

You can stop now. You don’t know the details and I am not going to explain further. Unfortunately you will just have to take my word for it that it is not financially feasible. I realize that’s going to be hard for you.

As I said, more than once, it’s not black and white. But thanks for always going there, it’s been super helpful.

It is feasible to move back. You are choosing not to and separate your child from her other parent. You may not want to move back, which is ok but don't blame the military or act like they will not pay for it.

Not OP - but I don’t think you are being helpful at this point, just insisting on your own view.

OP - you just have to make the best decision all things considered. I personally wouldn’t move a kid that age unless there was a strong preference on their part otherwise.

Child support in relocation cases usually provides an offset for travel costs, if that helps.