Anonymous
Post 04/02/2018 15:44     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:I actually think that's normal and something I see in the vast majority of SAHM/ working dad relationships. The mom takes over everything child and house related and the dad just makes money. It is nice that one person is able to make more money and given more time/flexibility to make that money.


My dad ran a company and was way more involved that OP's spouse. Dads should want to go toss a ball with their sons/daughters, teach them to swim, listen to their stories, take them to museums, bike ride around, go on vacations. Kids are little sponges to teach. Then they turn 12 and never want to talk to you....

Time for some written family goals OP! Detailed as possible. Working is no excuse, there is much more to being a real father than a paycheck. And if you are in the krappy 52% all in tax bracket we are in, he needs to think real hard about working those extra hours - cuz he's working half for some BS gov't policies and half for you all.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2018 15:42     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM


I had a similar situation as OP and after many years we ended up in family therapy. After about the first couple of sessions, the therapist looked at us and said we had the same dynamics/problems as many single parent households. I still do the vast majority of the chores, but DH now engages with the kids much more. Therapy might help OP but we only got there after repeated crisis with our adolescent tween boys.


Your therapist was wrong. That’s not the dynamic in single parent houses - we earn all the money, do ALL the chores and do ALL the parenting too. There is no division of labor, just one parent to do all the labor.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2018 15:31     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:Stepped out of the workforce because the two crazy career schedules just wasn’t allowing us to be there for our kids the way we wanted. Fast forward a couple of years and DH has basically decided to disengage from parenting. Weekend activities fall to me - I don’t mind doing it even though I’d like a break but DH is therefore not spending time with the kids or showing interest in their activities. I try to put together some rules for screen time and allowance and want DH input. He basically responds by beings irritated and doesn’t try to be helpful or problem solve. Anyone else encounter this? It’s almost as though he has taken a divide and conquer approach - and in the extreme. I am depressed as a result and thaonk I need to work again to regain an equal footing or to at least have a clear reason why he should parent more. Sometimes he will engage in a parachute in kind of way - not taking the time to really hear what’s going on and the pros and cons of our options or why our child is behaving a certain way. Maybe he just wants an easy solution. I recall being busy at work but I never would have abdicated my role as parent - and certainly would have understood that if I refuse to engage or collaborate that I owe it to my partner trust him to do what he thinks is best.

This is basically a lonely vent, I realize, but welcome helpful thoughts on how to address it in a way that helps us be a happy family.


Yes, I suffer from this: a workaholic husband who has no good father role models. Once each kid was 5 yo they started realizing that Daddy never listens to them, understands them, or can follow what is going on in the house. It's sad.

In our case DH is either is lazy, stupid, clueless, mysognist, dementia and/or ADHD Inattentive. I have considered contacting a divorce atty several times over the last few years.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2018 13:04     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Get a PT job, get family and possibly solo therapy and prepare for the possibility of divorce. You describe someone that has checked out of your partnership. You can fight for the relationship back, you can accept a life of misery and your husband disrepecting you, or you can make a better life for yourself and your kids if he refuses to step up. Which example do you want to be for your kids?
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2018 13:41     Subject: Re:Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:I have always found it funny/ironic/entitled when the housewives of DCUM complain about equality. Listen, if you have chosen to be dependent on a man, especially once the kids are in school full time, you have zero room to complain. You are in essence a kept woman.
If these kept women that demand equality were faced with their husband says “you know, I’m tired of being the only person bringing in money, I’m going to stop working after lunch, I’m going part time at work. You need to pull the rest of the slack. But I’ll be there for soccer on Tuesday afternoon “.
Sorry babe. Your chosen job is your kids. You are a dependent. Suck it up or work like you have a family to support.



OK, but OK is describing someone who doesn't want to be a father at all. even when not at work. You basically are saying the kids are her "job " 24/7 and working DHs should be "off the hook " 2nd their job is to make money. that's seems so effed up to me. like the kid is on the same level as a report that's due.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 00:45     Subject: Re:Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.


No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner


I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.


Ok. Who are all of these men who are voluntarily mommy tracking themselves and taking on a significant share of unpaid/unrecognized domestic duties so their wives can return to work? Oh, and are greatful to do it?

I have never seen this in real life.




huh? Working 40-50 hours a week isn't mommy/daddy tracking yourself. It's being realistic with your work about the fact that they're paying you for 40 hours and you have a family. DH is a manager and thinks it's important to show his employees that he takes paternity leave, goes to pediatrician appts and leaves work on time.


I hope your DH also recognizes that he is in a privileged position and is likely to be lauded for being such an engaged father, whereas a woman would not be praised for doing the same things, and would probably be seen as unprofessional and not seriousness about her job.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 20:36     Subject: Re:Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
I have always found it funny/ironic/entitled when the housewives of DCUM complain about equality. Listen, if you have chosen to be dependent on a man, especially once the kids are in school full time, you have zero room to complain. You are in essence a kept woman.
If these kept women that demand equality were faced with their husband says “you know, I’m tired of being the only person bringing in money, I’m going to stop working after lunch, I’m going part time at work. You need to pull the rest of the slack. But I’ll be there for soccer on Tuesday afternoon “.
Sorry babe. Your chosen job is your kids. You are a dependent. Suck it up or work like you have a family to support.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 20:23     Subject: Re:Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.


No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner


I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.


Ok. Who are all of these men who are voluntarily mommy tracking themselves and taking on a significant share of unpaid/unrecognized domestic duties so their wives can return to work? Oh, and are greatful to do it?

I have never seen this in real life.




huh? Working 40-50 hours a week isn't mommy/daddy tracking yourself. It's being realistic with your work about the fact that they're paying you for 40 hours and you have a family. DH is a manager and thinks it's important to show his employees that he takes paternity leave, goes to pediatrician appts and leaves work on time.


Exactly. I work and so does my husband. We are both home in time to deal with kid stuff, split sick days, etc. it’s not crazy in 2018, pp. and it’s “grateful.”
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 20:20     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM


+1. Ignorant and offensive subject line.


Totally agree. Single parents provide financially AND handle parenting. Gross, OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 19:50     Subject: Re:Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Yep. Except I worked PT. I tried everything and more that PPs have suggested to engage him with our family and to have him share in parenting and household responsibilities.

We've been divorced for three years and I have sole custody of our three kids. He was a crappy dad and partner then, and he's a crappy dad and co-parent now.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 14:33     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM with a husband that works at least 60 hrs a week and travels some. Sure, sometimes it’s lonely and sometimes I feel taken for granted, BUT DH is super engaged when he is around, to the point that sometimes it causes conflict. I run the show on the home front for the vast majority of time and when he is around, he has input and wants a say! Sometimes it’s easier to fly solo than co-pilot!

That said, I feel you, OP - I know you’re not a single parent, but you want to feel like you’ve got a real partner in this parenting gig. Not much advice other than open communication with your DH.


It is unclear how many hours OP DH work, or if it is the stressful would sucking job where you need quiet solitude for a while to feel human again.

What exactly happens on weekends? Does he stay in bed? Go to work? Golf?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 14:31     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Sounds like another guy who only had kids because that's what you're supposed to do.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 13:56     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
I’m a SAHM with a husband that works at least 60 hrs a week and travels some. Sure, sometimes it’s lonely and sometimes I feel taken for granted, BUT DH is super engaged when he is around, to the point that sometimes it causes conflict. I run the show on the home front for the vast majority of time and when he is around, he has input and wants a say! Sometimes it’s easier to fly solo than co-pilot!

That said, I feel you, OP - I know you’re not a single parent, but you want to feel like you’ve got a real partner in this parenting gig. Not much advice other than open communication with your DH.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 08:33     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Anonymous wrote:Ok, let's drop the OPs doltish statement that she is a single parent, and focus on how she learn to appreciate what she does have and maybe work to draw her husband closer to the home. Getting a job is a non-starter. Honestly, taking a class and leaving him with the kids is also passive aggressive nonsense.

Plan activities that firmly draw him into the family, something more fun that watching Larla at soccer.

Is his job stressful and long hours? Maybe talk about moving someplace cheaper so he could downshift his career and have more time at home? Or a shorter commute?


I agree with this. Maybe start with family meetings. We have them after dinner on Sunday night. I usually make a nice dessert (a pie or something), and we all sit down and talk about issues. We start with making an "agenda" that would include anything from screeen time to flushing the toilet to upcoming family vacations to what we can do for our neighbors. Anyone can add to the agenda. Then we go through each item and come up with some sort of solution.
Oh, and the kids also provide "entertainment" either music or a poem they memorized at school or a "play".

It's been a good way to draw everyone (including DH) in to family decisions.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2018 01:54     Subject: Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?
Ok, let's drop the OPs doltish statement that she is a single parent, and focus on how she learn to appreciate what she does have and maybe work to draw her husband closer to the home. Getting a job is a non-starter. Honestly, taking a class and leaving him with the kids is also passive aggressive nonsense.

Plan activities that firmly draw him into the family, something more fun that watching Larla at soccer.

Is his job stressful and long hours? Maybe talk about moving someplace cheaper so he could downshift his career and have more time at home? Or a shorter commute?