Anonymous wrote:Op here

Thanks for all the replies. I actually never held it over her head in the past years. It wasn't until something triggered me that i mentioned it.
The consensus (as predicted) was that i shouldn't use it. The backdoor philosophy isn't even that bad since I am not allowed in there.

As I said. I don't think I will be using it. But I can't make any guarantees. I'm a decent looking guy in my mid-30s and I have been hit on a couple of occasions (once in front of her).

I don't want to destroy what we have. But alcohol has led me down some strange paths in life.

So alcohol leads you to make poor decisions and you wonder why she cheated?

Anonymous wrote:You guys think cheating has a time stamp. I was cheated on by my first love. She ended up banging some dude after we hit a rocky patch. She got caught.
WE tried resolving it. She was too selfish and I just feared she would do it again. This was 15 YEARS AGO and I still think about. I am a happily married man with children.
If he caught her, the trauma doesn't disappear overnight. Therapy is the one thing i do advise.

Yup. Caught my husband cheating 6 years ago. It hasn't gone away. They say its akin to PTSD. I think OP does need to go seek help if that is the case. Maybe consider divorce. There i said it.

You guys think cheating has a time stamp. I was cheated on by my first love. She ended up banging some dude after we hit a rocky patch. She got caught.
WE tried resolving it. She was too selfish and I just feared she would do it again. This was 15 YEARS AGO and I still think about. I am a happily married man with children.
If he caught her, the trauma doesn't disappear overnight. Therapy is the one thing i do advise.

Actually I take it back, you both "cheated" ( not her fault you couldn't seal the deal) and stuff was rocky. Hats what happens in rocky relationships. Be happy y'all are good now and leave it alone. I would never have given a hall pass in her shoes.

OP, there are two questions here and none of them is: should I use this hall pass.

Actual Question No. 1: why am I suddenly flirting with sabotaging myself?

Actual Question No. 2: why did I need to start an online thread to enjoy the criticism that I knew would come my way?

Hint: "masochism" figures in the answers to both questions.

Get some help, OP. You're not working through anything with this thread. Sick thrills =/= problem solved.

If you use it maybe choose an old girlfriend or fling. Not a hooker, even a "high class" one, not worth the herpes risk.

I cheated on my husband twice while we were dating. We've been together for almost 9 years and I've never been tempted since. I also didn't tell him until we had been married for 7 years. I was diagnosed with BPD, and since he knew that I had had a sexual addiction for years before we even met, he asked me. I was honest. It didn't bother him because we weren't married. You just want to find something new because you're bored, OP. Don't lie to yourself. I know. I'm a serial cheater wbo just happened to decide to change because for the first time, I actually love someone more than I love myself. But I still know what it's like to be bored in a marriage. I had more than 30 affairs during my last one.

Anonymous wrote:

I don't want to destroy what we have. But alcohol has led me down some strange paths in life.

There’s treatment available for that. And you may want to use it, because you sound stalled out at some earlier stage of life...like whenever it was that you started drinking. This happened NINE YEARS AGO, man.

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Thanks for all the replies. I actually never held it over her head in the past years. It wasn't until something triggered me that i mentioned it.
The consensus (as predicted) was that i shouldn't use it. The backdoor philosophy isn't even that bad since I am not allowed in there.

As I said. I don't think I will be using it. But I can't make any guarantees. I'm a decent looking guy in my mid-30s and I have been hit on a couple of occasions (once in front of her).

I don't want to destroy what we have. But alcohol has led me down some strange paths in life.

So has every reasonably attractive married person. Do you love her? If so, you know what (not) to do.

9 years ago?!? Do you realize how insane this sounds? You should see a therapist. (Not trying to be snarky - I've sought therapy myself). Truly, if you're still hanging on to what she did for one week a decade ago when you were just dating and on the verge of breaking up . . . You need to see someone. I suspect there are bigger issues at play, even if you don't recognize it. This is just not a normal or healthy way to feel

You're hurt so you think hurting her even more is going to fix things? Yes, escalating things like this always improves the situation. Maybe you could cheat twice, just to make sure.

Op here

Thanks for all the replies. I actually never held it over her head in the past years. It wasn't until something triggered me that i mentioned it.
The consensus (as predicted) was that i shouldn't use it. The backdoor philosophy isn't even that bad since I am not allowed in there.

As I said. I don't think I will be using it. But I can't make any guarantees. I'm a decent looking guy in my mid-30s and I have been hit on a couple of occasions (once in front of her).

I don't want to destroy what we have. But alcohol has led me down some strange paths in life.

Anonymous wrote:I'd use it (woman, here).

+1!! Would love one

Anonymous wrote:

She must feel pretty guilty for what she did. That's the only explanation. Or you are one hell of a catch. I do agree though. Would never let my husband sleep with anyone even though i actually cheated on him during our marriage after our first kid.

She's probably sick of 12 years of the OP holding what she did over her head. I bet he throws it in her face during every argument. I'm sure every time the OP does something wrong and gets called on it he counters with, "yeah, but you slept with Tommy for a whole week waah waah."

I'd use it (woman, here).