Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 15:06     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
I agree with those people who say that you just stand up for the friend. "Freda is so great with our kids--she's practically a surrogate grandmother! We feel so lucky to have her in our lives!" Or ask questions: "What did she do that was so awful?" You can't interfere in the relationship, and you don't know the details, so all you can do is speak to your personal experience.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 15:05     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.


Tell your MIL that she should comfort her friend, distract her with invitations to restaurant week or a concert, be a sounding board - anything to get her best friend's mind off the situation. Basically, be a friend.

But this is between your MIL's bestie and her son.


MIL might also encourage her friend to speak with a therapist-to deal with her feelings, may strategize about reaching out to her son and DIL, and, likely, unpacking whatever back story exists for the current situation.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 15:04     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.


"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.


I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.


Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.


+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.


wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.


NP. Why? Because she doesn't want an 8-year-old to watch her child? Because she doesn't want someone smoking in front of her child? On what planet does that make her anything other than a good mother with reasonable boundaries?


because she equated that behavior with OP's situation, when OP didn't say anything remotely similar to it.


Where did I claim OPs MILs Friend (seriously, 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon much?) was exhibiting behavior similar to my situation? Oh wait, I didn't, because OP herself admitted that SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON BETWEEN THESE PEOPLE! OP doesn't know what behavior caused the rift and still wants to insert herself into this family's issues.

OP, MYOB.


you said that if you commented on your someone smoking around your kid, "some jackwang on the internet" would criticize you. I wasn't talking about anyone smoking around my kid. I'm talking about a situation in which, even when I ask the kid's mom why she hates this woman (and, yes, I've asked multiple times because I actually know these people), she can't give me a reason.

So maybe you can stop equating the situations.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 15:02     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:The example you gave of the mom not liking the play doh gift? I'd ask before choosing a gift. What does little Johnny want for his bday?
Agree with another poster that if someone vents to you about the lady in question, you reply with, "huh that hasn't been our experience with Larla. hey, if you don't want her, we'd love to adopt her as *our* baby's second or third grandma!" with a big smile and laugh. Like of course they can't mean the things they are saying.

Otherwise generally you MYOB.

And maybe the mom has told her a million times that they don’t do Play Doh. Maybe grandma keeps buying it anyway. Maybe the mom had just had enough!

You only have one side of her story.

And also, if she’s so great, stick up for her! Don’t sit there like a dolt listening to people talk s#%? about your “surrogate grandma”. Friends don’t sit around and take that kind of thing.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 15:00     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.


"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.


I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.


Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.


+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.


wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.


NP. Why? Because she doesn't want an 8-year-old to watch her child? Because she doesn't want someone smoking in front of her child? On what planet does that make her anything other than a good mother with reasonable boundaries?


because she equated that behavior with OP's situation, when OP didn't say anything remotely similar to it.


Where did I claim OPs MILs Friend (seriously, 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon much?) was exhibiting behavior similar to my situation? Oh wait, I didn't, because OP herself admitted that SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON BETWEEN THESE PEOPLE! OP doesn't know what behavior caused the rift and still wants to insert herself into this family's issues.

OP, MYOB.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:54     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
The example you gave of the mom not liking the play doh gift? I'd ask before choosing a gift. What does little Johnny want for his bday?
Agree with another poster that if someone vents to you about the lady in question, you reply with, "huh that hasn't been our experience with Larla. hey, if you don't want her, we'd love to adopt her as *our* baby's second or third grandma!" with a big smile and laugh. Like of course they can't mean the things they are saying.

Otherwise generally you MYOB.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:47     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.


"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.


I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.


Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.


+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.


wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.


NP. Why? Because she doesn't want an 8-year-old to watch her child? Because she doesn't want someone smoking in front of her child? On what planet does that make her anything other than a good mother with reasonable boundaries?


because she equated that behavior with OP's situation, when OP didn't say anything remotely similar to it.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:46     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.


"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.


I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.


Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.


+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.


wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.


NP. Why? Because she doesn't want an 8-year-old to watch her child? Because she doesn't want someone smoking in front of her child? On what planet does that make her anything other than a good mother with reasonable boundaries?
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:45     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Have you ever asked the DIL, when she's ranting about her MIL, what exactly the MIL has done? In a non-accusatory way? Alternatively, stay in touch with DIL as a friend and try to understand her distaste for her MIL.

There must be more of a reason than "DIL is the meanest person on earth". The only thing you or your DH can do is try to understand why they couple is so against this woman seeing the kid. But even then, you should do so without an active agenda or preconceived notions, because that will turn them off from sharing with you.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:43     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Advise your MIL to support her friend emotionally but otherwise stay out of it.

There are two sides to every story. It's possible son and DIL are jerks and being cruel for no good reason. It's also possible that your MIL's friend is not the figure she presents herself to be.

I'm sure my own MIL seems like a perfectly nice, sweet woman to the people in her life. And I'm sure she tells horror stories to her friends about her awful son and DIL, who keep her from the kids for no good reason.

Of course, I'm also willing to bet her friends have no idea of all the messed up things she has done to use and abuse us over the years... and we wouldn't tell even if asked directly. Our goal is not to hurt MIL or anyone else, it's to protect our kids and live a happy home life.

Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:43     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.


"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.


I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.


Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.


Totally agree with you, but either way, it's not likely to change until the DIL agrees to a change.


Wrong. The son can make this happen if he really wants it to happen. This woman raised him. If he can’t advocate for a relationship between his son and his own mother, then shame on her for raising an idiot. This is NOT on the DIL. It lies solely with the child’s father.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:41     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.


"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.


I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.


Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.


+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.


wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:40     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a situation in my own family, right down to the age of MIL and BFF. Weird and sad.

In my family's situation, there's no fix and no way to help. Any sort of interference would only make an awful situation even worse.

The son has made his choices blatantly clear -- his loyalty lies with his wife. Wife has been difficult (at best) since the earliest days. She's an awful person and the son is equally culpable. People try to avoid saying it, because "he's a nice guy" but there's no excuse for either of them. I tried to keep an open mind for a long time, but eventually realized that was equivalent to condoning their behavior. It's a complex situation and a very sad one for the whole family.

If they've been BFFs for that long, MIL is likely just venting her frustration at seeing her dear friend hurt over and over. There's nothing for you to actually do.


OP here. thank you; you understand. I don't understand people attacking me -- these are not superficial relationships. these people are essentially family, and this rift has caused major problems in what used to be a happy group.



I'm trying to figure out a way to see if we are talking about the same situation, because the similarities are significant. Did MIL's friend just retire?


No, she still works.


Okay, definitely different person. This person just retired last week.

Anyway, I've had a front row seat to this sh!tshow forever. It sucks and my heart breaks for everyone but son and DIL. The only thing I do is provide moral support. Ive fully disconnected from son and DIL, as have several other family members and family friends. I don't think anyone other than son and DIL will ever understand what is really behind all of it.


yeah, none of us can understand it either. it's totally heartbreaking. they actively discourage their son from having anything more than a superficial relationship with his grandma, despite him clearly wanting to spend time with her. ex: he'll ask to see her, and they'll say "we're too busy. you can see her some other time."
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:40     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
As sad as it sounds from your friend's perspective there is little that can be done. If she hasn't sent a letter saying that she wishes for a closer relationship - she should. The family unit decides what level of involvement they want and it sounds like advocating for different than what the offer will result in punitive rather than compassionate actions. She should write an non-emotional statement of fact as far as what she would hope to have happen that recognizes that she has zero influence on the decision. This friend needs to find other ways to fill her life - sad as it may be
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2018 14:38     Subject: How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.


"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.


I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.


Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.


+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.


+100. Smart women are figuring this out this generation.