Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if you are a normal step mom.

No if you are the other woman.

Not true. My sister married someone years after his divorce and the ex wife has been awful to her. My sister ended up disengaging entirely from her spouse's first family situation. They have their own family now and while he attends big events for his older kids, who are now spread out all over, his relationship with them is not what it would have been if his ex wife hadn't been so horrible to him and my sister. His older kids and my sister both prefer not to be in the same place, so she loses her husband a few nonholiday weekends a year and she takes some weekends for herself with me or her friends and leaves their young kids with him just to get a break.

At some point, he should choose his current wife and kids if the older kids don't really want him around. They are adults and can make their own choices. Her kids shouldn't have to miss out with their dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never invited to anything. Mom had an affair and left to live with AP (been many years now). We still get calls for money from all of them but that's about it. I think they finally got it we are not giving money beyond what Mom gets given the divorce was 30 years ago. I can see them coming after me or us/when one of us passes. Mom came after us when we got married so I'd pay her child support (judge threw it out). If mom wants to pretend dad doesn't exist and AP is dad she should stop taking our money.

Honestly, this is horrible. You are punishing the kids for mom’s behavior. Also, doesn’t make sense - the divorce was 30 years ago but you are still paying bioMom? Child support to the parent stops at 21. Are you paying alimony? Profits from a business? That’s money properly owed to Mom for whatever term and it is not for the kids but to compensate mom for her equity not provided at divorce.

If it’s been 30 years since the divorce and your step kids only call for money, that’s highly reflective of the quality of relationship you have (or haven’t) built with the kids.

I feel sorry for the kids.

Actually child support stops at 18. What business? My husband paid alimony for 15 years and their marriage was only 9. He also paid child support way past 18 so there was no drama till she took him/us to court after two were over 18 as she felt my income should be included in the child support calculation. When spouse retired, she also got 1/2 his pension that started when they were in their late 30's for the rest of her/his life. She's been equally paid off and why shouldn't she be held accountable for her behavior. She destroyed the relationship with Dad and with herself. All the kids are pretty messed up thanks to her in their own way. You shouldn't be rewarded for cheating and moving in with your AP. After 20+ years, why can't he take responsibility for her, marry her so she can get his insurance and her financially support her. You think its fair that she cheated, they divorced after 9 years of marriage, because she cheated and choose to be with the AP, and he has to pay for the rest of his life?

I feel sorry for the kids too. They had a pretty crappy childhood with mom and lost their father. The AP was a really bad replacement for Dad.

I also feel bad for the kids that she didn't teach them any financial responsibility and the one that had the most hope for is in a marriage that his wife is openly cheating on him (the example mom set) and is heavily in debt. He cannot leave the marriage or reality is he'll get all the debt and have to pay child support/alimony that he cannot afford and probably lose the kids as well. Its truly sad to see the next generation repeating their parents mistakes.

Anonymous wrote:Never invited to anything. Mom had an affair and left to live with AP (been many years now). We still get calls for money from all of them but that's about it. I think they finally got it we are not giving money beyond what Mom gets given the divorce was 30 years ago. I can see them coming after me or us/when one of us passes. Mom came after us when we got married so I'd pay her child support (judge threw it out). If mom wants to pretend dad doesn't exist and AP is dad she should stop taking our money.

Honestly, this is horrible. You are punishing the kids for mom’s behavior. Also, doesn’t make sense - the divorce was 30 years ago but you are still paying bioMom? Child support to the parent stops at 21. Are you paying alimony? Profits from a business? That’s money properly owed to Mom for whatever term and it is not for the kids but to compensate mom for her equity not provided at divorce.

If it’s been 30 years since the divorce and your step kids only call for money, that’s highly reflective of the quality of relationship you have (or haven’t) built with the kids.

I feel sorry for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Yes if you are a normal step mom.

No if you are the other woman.

Not true. My sister married someone years after his divorce and the ex wife has been awful to her. My sister ended up disengaging entirely from her spouse's first family situation. They have their own family now and while he attends big events for his older kids, who are now spread out all over, his relationship with them is not what it would have been if his ex wife hadn't been so horrible to him and my sister. His older kids and my sister both prefer not to be in the same place, so she loses her husband a few nonholiday weekends a year and she takes some weekends for herself with me or her friends and leaves their young kids with him just to get a break.

Never invited to anything. Mom had an affair and left to live with AP (been many years now). We still get calls for money from all of them but that's about it. I think they finally got it we are not giving money beyond what Mom gets given the divorce was 30 years ago. I can see them coming after me or us/when one of us passes. Mom came after us when we got married so I'd pay her child support (judge threw it out). If mom wants to pretend dad doesn't exist and AP is dad she should stop taking our money.

Seating arrangement at my step daughter's upcoming wedding is bio mom, dad, me. She's getting married in the country and we're all staying in one large house including DH's kids from both marriage --not the one getting married though

I wouldn't miss her wedding for anything. However, I am being respectful that this is her mom's day and deferring to her on how she wants to handle things.

Bio mom has come to my kids bday parties. Just worked out that my kids siblings were with her that weekend. So she brought them and then stayed. Even signed her name to the birthday card/gift. I guess we all just get along really well.

Wow I can’t believe this would even be a question. I had a lot of issues with my stepmom and the way she treated me completely differently from my half sister but she wouldn’t have missed anything you could call an event. She even went to my law school graduation.

No, my stepdaughters made it very clear they didn't want me there or their half siblings. So DH went by himself and always came back sad. When he passed away, I reached out and they didn't even come to the funeral. But they sure hired a lawyer to find out about good ol' dad's finances.

Can I just say I am so happy I no longer have to deal with this BS? Miss my DH, do not miss drama with his first family.

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to deal with this situation - exDH is bringing affair partner, now live-in gf to my DS's first in-person school event post-covid. He wasn't going to tell me she was coming, but my DS mentioned it casually. I'm glad to have the heads up, as I'm not looking forward to having to face this woman for the first time at my child's school. Neither she, nor my ex are mature enough for us all to have sat down together at this point. Wish me luck.

Oh, and I would never say she can't come to something. My kids don't know she was the reason for our divorce and they like her.

I'm about to deal with this situation - exDH is bringing affair partner, now live-in gf to my DS's first in-person school event post-covid. He wasn't going to tell me she was coming, but my DS mentioned it casually. I'm glad to have the heads up, as I'm not looking forward to having to face this woman for the first time at my child's school. Neither she, nor my ex are mature enough for us all to have sat down together at this point. Wish me luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's ex doesn't want to face the fact that my DC and I exist. We've seen DH's ex once in the last five years, at their oldest DS high school graduation last year. We don't get invites to birthdays, sporting events etc.

Your DH’s ex is under no obligation to you. She married and divorced your DH and isn’t obligated by his decisions after his relationship with her. Why do you expect invites to anything? If you want to celebrate his daughter’s birthday, organize a party for her. If you want to go to a sports event, Dad can ask daughter about the schedule and say you all will attend. It is not the birth mom’s obligation to be the cruise director for your relationship with your own stepdaughter. She does not owe you any emotional labor.

Personally, I divorced my DH because he is a liar and extremely unreliable. I had no interest in meeting his wife, who quickly convinced him to visit his own children less often and cut child support for them and refuse to contribute to college. I have zero interest in pretending to be happy family with someone who has a demonstrated track record of not having my children’s interests at heart. I am very polite to DH and have never spoken ill of his new wife, but I am not obligated to play ball in his fantasy big happy family game. He is responsible for his own relationship with his children and he and his wife, having invested so little time and effort with his kids, are experiencing the natural consequences - a return proportional to their efforts.

All of this. Your husband's ex does not have the power to grant or deny invitations to sporting events, they're open to the public! He is a parent and he needs to find the schedule and figure it out on his own like a big boy.

Well, you can. But as the first wife, when I see you there without my ex I think "yay, he found another woman to cover for him and pick up his slack and it isn't me."

You can go to their events, but don't over-try and pretend like it's a big happy modern family and you're all best friends. Stay low-key. And if you're only doing it to prove what a good mommy you'll be, and you're going to care way less about your stepkids when you have your own baby, then don't do it at all.

Anonymous wrote:DH's ex doesn't want to face the fact that my DC and I exist. We've seen DH's ex once in the last five years, at their oldest DS high school graduation last year. We don't get invites to birthdays, sporting events etc.

Your DH’s ex is under no obligation to you. She married and divorced your DH and isn’t obligated by his decisions after his relationship with her. Why do you expect invites to anything? If you want to celebrate his daughter’s birthday, organize a party for her. If you want to go to a sports event, Dad can ask daughter about the schedule and say you all will attend. It is not the birth mom’s obligation to be the cruise director for your relationship with your own stepdaughter. She does not owe you any emotional labor.

Personally, I divorced my DH because he is a liar and extremely unreliable. I had no interest in meeting his wife, who quickly convinced him to visit his own children less often and cut child support for them and refuse to contribute to college. I have zero interest in pretending to be happy family with someone who has a demonstrated track record of not having my children’s interests at heart. I am very polite to DH and have never spoken ill of his new wife, but I am not obligated to play ball in his fantasy big happy family game. He is responsible for his own relationship with his children and he and his wife, having invested so little time and effort with his kids, are experiencing the natural consequences - a return proportional to their efforts.

I believe pour all the love one can into the child. Just get the child raised and show we can do this together. Yes I do believe everyone should go to whatever
they can to support this child. It's great to have a crowd. The child is not property. It's a person, love it, support it, everyone.