Anonymous
03/23/2018 16:23
Subject: If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
I had a very similar upbringing, OP. I graduated high school when I was very young, left the house, and cut myself off emotionally from them. My sister didn't and fell into drugs and abusive relationships. She's been sober for a year but was just arrested for domestic violence (assault with a deadly weapon) when her boyfriend called the police during a fight. It's terrible how the violence becomes part of you. I fight it every day and am breaking the cycle of violence with my own kids. I never hit and rarely, rarely yell (lots of speaking firmly/raising voices, but not out of control yelling), and I often remove myself from situations if I feel myself getting out of control. It's hard, but it gets easier with practice.
My mother had a bad temper and hit out of anger, but my father was the one that did the sustained physical and emotional abuse. I'm disappointed that my mom didn't protect us, but I've forgiven her. My father had a very traumatic childhood and was mentally ill (bipolar and depression). He has early Alzheimer's now and while I've forgiven him, I would never trust him. If something happens to my mom, he's going in a nursing home without a second though.
You do better with your own kids and spouse, OP. And get therapy if you're struggling. Good luck, OP!
My mother had a bad temper and hit out of anger, but my father was the one that did the sustained physical and emotional abuse. I'm disappointed that my mom didn't protect us, but I've forgiven her. My father had a very traumatic childhood and was mentally ill (bipolar and depression). He has early Alzheimer's now and while I've forgiven him, I would never trust him. If something happens to my mom, he's going in a nursing home without a second though.
You do better with your own kids and spouse, OP. And get therapy if you're struggling. Good luck, OP!
Anonymous
03/23/2018 03:07
Subject: Re:If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
^^^ immediate PP here again
This is a link to my old thread on this topic:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/437375.page
This is a link to my old thread on this topic:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/437375.page
Anonymous
03/23/2018 03:05
Subject: Re:If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone’s parent truly changed and apologized?
I know the odds of this are essentially zero in my case but I just can’t seem to get my heart to understand that and stop waiting for my mom to come back and be different.
My parents did change and did apologize, my dad more genuinely than my mom. My sister has largely cut them (and me) off. Long long story — my sister had a delayed reaction to the abuse and this prompted some reflection on my parents’ part. My parents are pretty good grandparents now.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 17:21
Subject: If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
New Poster with a European mom and Middle Eastern dad. Both were educated but mom had a PHD and came from a rich family. She made the rules and everyone else had to follow. She did not want to have me/ wanted to have an abortion but no one aborted in the Middle East back then.
I do not have any good memory of her. She has never kissed me or hugged me. My brothers are 10 and 11 years younger and she treated them totally differently.
From a very young age, I could do nothing right. When I came from school I wanted to practice my piano (lower elementary) but she would tell me to do my homework first. She did not care that I needed sunlight to see the notes well. If she caught me practicing, she would bang the piano cover hurting my hands so that I would stop practicing. My dad always told me never to question her and I could do it my way when she was away.
Every time my dad came home from his travels, my mom would cry and cry, complain about me and tell my dad to punish me. He would hit me until I would start bleeding. Then he would come and apologize and beg me not to get her mad.
He was a successful businessman but could not stand up to her. In fact he worshiped her (still does) and thought she could do no wrong (still does). Had I been in the USA or Europe, I would have gone to a foster care. But in the Middle East, those things do not exist. I have not seen them for 15 years now.
I also married a man who is like her -- very charming on the outside, totally manipulative and overly controlling in reality. I thought things would be different here in the USA but they are not. Husband has diplomatic immunity and is calling all the shots knowing that he is except from abiding to US rules and regulations.
I wish I could just leave but my child has only US nationality and I do not want to leave him alone.
I do not know what I have done to deserve this type of life.
I do not have any good memory of her. She has never kissed me or hugged me. My brothers are 10 and 11 years younger and she treated them totally differently.
From a very young age, I could do nothing right. When I came from school I wanted to practice my piano (lower elementary) but she would tell me to do my homework first. She did not care that I needed sunlight to see the notes well. If she caught me practicing, she would bang the piano cover hurting my hands so that I would stop practicing. My dad always told me never to question her and I could do it my way when she was away.
Every time my dad came home from his travels, my mom would cry and cry, complain about me and tell my dad to punish me. He would hit me until I would start bleeding. Then he would come and apologize and beg me not to get her mad.
He was a successful businessman but could not stand up to her. In fact he worshiped her (still does) and thought she could do no wrong (still does). Had I been in the USA or Europe, I would have gone to a foster care. But in the Middle East, those things do not exist. I have not seen them for 15 years now.
I also married a man who is like her -- very charming on the outside, totally manipulative and overly controlling in reality. I thought things would be different here in the USA but they are not. Husband has diplomatic immunity and is calling all the shots knowing that he is except from abiding to US rules and regulations.
I wish I could just leave but my child has only US nationality and I do not want to leave him alone.
I do not know what I have done to deserve this type of life.
Anonymous
03/20/2018 18:38
Subject: If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NP. From the age of 3(my earliest memory) until 7, I was held down by my mother so my father could sexually assault me. From 7-12, I was forced to sleep at night in my fathers bed(I stopped fighting the abuse.) From 12-14 I had my own bed/bedroom but I wasn’t allowed to change anywhere but my bedroom, and I had no door. I was not allowed to shut the bathroom door, ever. At 15, my father tried to kill me (strangulation), was arrested and put in jail. The judge found him guilty but didn’t sentence him to anything but time served. CPS told my mother to choose-me or him. My mother spit in my face and chose him and I went into foster care. I haven’t laid eyes on either of them since. Nor do I plan to.
Lots, and lots, and lots of therapy is the only way I was able to free myself from my childhood.
My sincerest thoughts are with you and the fact that you must have had to work like hell in therapy to find your place today. I wish someone could've been there when you were little.
+100
+ more from me. I truly hope that before your time ends on this earth you will experience a life filled with abundant blessings, peace and joy. You deserve the greatest happiness after what happened to you.
x infinity from a different poster. Praying that you are in a place of freedom right now from the darkness of the past, and that only light and goodness can operate in your present and your future.
Anonymous
03/20/2018 15:37
Subject: Re:If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Has anyone’s parent truly changed and apologized?
I know the odds of this are essentially zero in my case but I just can’t seem to get my heart to understand that and stop waiting for my mom to come back and be different.
No.
+1
Anonymous
03/20/2018 15:28
Subject: Re:If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
Wow...this thread is getting to me.
My bio dad left my mom when I was a toddler. I am the spitting image of him and he was killed soon after he left. I guess she was lashing out at me because I was a visual extension of him. I was the oldest and she had 3 kids with my stepfather - so I was the outsider anyways. She physically and verbally abused me and allowed my younger siblings to do the same. I grew up timid and afraid of my own shadow and just tried to stay out of the way. I had no confidence or self esteem and contemplated suicide often. When I was 13, my then 11YO brother tried to stab me. When I told my mother, she physically attacked me and threatened to kill me if I told anyone else. I was labelled a problem child and was sent off to live with my paternal grandmother. My grandma loved me unconditionally and doted on me (I was her son's only child and his reflection). She constantly told me I was beautiful and smart. She made me go to therapy. She saved my life. I am thankful for her and I am thankful that she is still around to see what I have become - she turned 83 yesterday. I have seen my mother 4 times in 22 years - at my college graduation, my wedding, my stepdad's funeral and my older child's christening. If she died tomorrow, I would not bat an eye. The only one I stay in touch with is my youngest sister. She was a toddler when I was shipped off - she is in college locally and we talk and meet often.
Therapy, a loving DH and firm commitment not to repeat keep me on track. I have two kids (8 and 5) and I have developed some anger management tricks to keep myself from getting angry. I am probably the most level headed person around now. LOL
My bio dad left my mom when I was a toddler. I am the spitting image of him and he was killed soon after he left. I guess she was lashing out at me because I was a visual extension of him. I was the oldest and she had 3 kids with my stepfather - so I was the outsider anyways. She physically and verbally abused me and allowed my younger siblings to do the same. I grew up timid and afraid of my own shadow and just tried to stay out of the way. I had no confidence or self esteem and contemplated suicide often. When I was 13, my then 11YO brother tried to stab me. When I told my mother, she physically attacked me and threatened to kill me if I told anyone else. I was labelled a problem child and was sent off to live with my paternal grandmother. My grandma loved me unconditionally and doted on me (I was her son's only child and his reflection). She constantly told me I was beautiful and smart. She made me go to therapy. She saved my life. I am thankful for her and I am thankful that she is still around to see what I have become - she turned 83 yesterday. I have seen my mother 4 times in 22 years - at my college graduation, my wedding, my stepdad's funeral and my older child's christening. If she died tomorrow, I would not bat an eye. The only one I stay in touch with is my youngest sister. She was a toddler when I was shipped off - she is in college locally and we talk and meet often.
Therapy, a loving DH and firm commitment not to repeat keep me on track. I have two kids (8 and 5) and I have developed some anger management tricks to keep myself from getting angry. I am probably the most level headed person around now. LOL
Anonymous
03/20/2018 15:27
Subject: Re:If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
Wow...this thread is getting to me.
My bio dad left my mom when I was a toddler. I am the spitting image of him and he was killed soon after he left. I guess she was lashing out at me because I was a visual extension of him. I was the oldest and she had 3 kids with my stepfather - so I was the outsider anyways. She physically and verbally abused me and allowed my younger siblings to do the same. I grew up timid and afraid of my own shadow and just tried to stay out of the way. I had no confidence or self esteem and contemplated suicide often. When I was 13, my then 11YO brother tried to stab me. When I told my mother, she physically attacked me and threatened to kill me if I told anyone else. I was labelled a problem child and was sent off to live with my paternal grandmother. My grandma loved me unconditionally and doted on me (I was her son's only child and his reflection). She constantly told me I was beautiful and smart. She made me go to therapy. She saved my life. I am thankful for her and I am thankful that she is still around to see what I have become - she turned 83 yesterday. I have seen my mother 4 times in 22 years - at my college graduation, my wedding, my stepdad's funeral and my older child's christening. If she died tomorrow, I would not bat an eye. The only one I stay in touch with is my youngest sister. She was a toddler when I was shipped off - she is in college locally and we talk and meet often.
Therapy, a loving DH and firm commitment not to repeat keep me on track. I have two kids (8 and 5) and I have developed some anger management tricks to keep myself from getting angry. I am probably the most level headed person around now. LOL
My bio dad left my mom when I was a toddler. I am the spitting image of him and he was killed soon after he left. I guess she was lashing out at me because I was a visual extension of him. I was the oldest and she had 3 kids with my stepfather - so I was the outsider anyways. She physically and verbally abused me and allowed my younger siblings to do the same. I grew up timid and afraid of my own shadow and just tried to stay out of the way. I had no confidence or self esteem and contemplated suicide often. When I was 13, my then 11YO brother tried to stab me. When I told my mother, she physically attacked me and threatened to kill me if I told anyone else. I was labelled a problem child and was sent off to live with my paternal grandmother. My grandma loved me unconditionally and doted on me (I was her son's only child and his reflection). She constantly told me I was beautiful and smart. She made me go to therapy. She saved my life. I am thankful for her and I am thankful that she is still around to see what I have become - she turned 83 yesterday. I have seen my mother 4 times in 22 years - at my college graduation, my wedding, my stepdad's funeral and my older child's christening. If she died tomorrow, I would not bat an eye. The only one I stay in touch with is my youngest sister. She was a toddler when I was shipped off - she is in college locally and we talk and meet often.
Therapy, a loving DH and firm commitment not to repeat keep me on track. I have two kids (8 and 5) and I have developed some anger management tricks to keep myself from getting angry. I am probably the most level headed person around now. LOL
Anonymous
03/20/2018 14:30
Subject: If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?
I never got physically abused but both of my parents were emotionally negligent in very different ways. My Mom was a worrier, constantly concerned with things she couldn't control, while my Dad was a perfectionistic, demanding and selfish narcissist. Both were verbally and emotionally abused by alcoholic parents growing up.
I'm 37 now but it took me until my first (and only so far) divorce to realize that I was neglected as a kid. I've dealt with it through journaling (not kidding) and talk therapy. I've been medicated for the depression and that has helped tremendously, too.
I try every day to be the opposite of them for my son.
I'm 37 now but it took me until my first (and only so far) divorce to realize that I was neglected as a kid. I've dealt with it through journaling (not kidding) and talk therapy. I've been medicated for the depression and that has helped tremendously, too.
I try every day to be the opposite of them for my son.