OP here. Nobody is having an affair. You'll just have to trust me on this one. I married him because he was the most honest person I'd ever known - for better or for worse - and infidelity is not in his DNA. I'm not saying he doesn't want to. But he's not. I haven't cheated on him because I know it's the one thing he would never do to me. He may be an asshole sometimes, but he's faithful.

I think I'm going to try and prioritize sex, even though I'm f'ing exhausted, and hope that it inspires a renewed sense of intimacy in him that will in turn make him (a) less stressed and (b) less inclined to treat me like an emotional punching bag.

Also, to reiterate: He has never been physically abuse to me. His outbursts can feel like a punch sometimes, but he has never hit me or broken anything (except my emotional trust in him).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you buy a new house if your marriage was "circling the drain"?

We bought it when I was (very) pregnant. Our previous home didn't have space for a third (or even the two of us, for that matter).

To the women who stayed and are emotionally disconnected: Do your husbands realize it? And if so, do they realize why? And do they understand the cause and effect of their behavior?

I'm not a woman but I'm a husband of a woman who has emotionally disconnected in that way. Yes, I realize it, it's hard to miss, between the no sex and constant low-level hostility and contempt. Yes, I understand there's a connection to my behavior, but I wonder if she understands there's also a connection to her behavior. And just like she's too angry to reach out to me to fix the problem by behaving better, I feel too angry to reach out to her in the same way.

Either you're willing to deal with marital situations as being the joint responsibility of two people or you're headed for divorce. Likely our destination.

The choice for you is actually pretty simple: stop treating your wife with hostility and contempt. You should do that anyway, regardless of whether she ever has sex with you again. It's the right thing to do. You don't get to expect a person to show you affection and intimacy when you treat them with contempt and hostility.

I don't care about joint responsibility. No one is obligated to have sex with someone who treats them with contempt and hostility - YOUR WORDS, not mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you buy a new house if your marriage was "circling the drain"?

We bought it when I was (very) pregnant. Our previous home didn't have space for a third (or even the two of us, for that matter).

To the women who stayed and are emotionally disconnected: Do your husbands realize it? And if so, do they realize why? And do they understand the cause and effect of their behavior?

I'm not a woman but I'm a husband of a woman who has emotionally disconnected in that way. Yes, I realize it, it's hard to miss, between the no sex and constant low-level hostility and contempt. Yes, I understand there's a connection to my behavior, but I wonder if she understands there's also a connection to her behavior. And just like she's too angry to reach out to me to fix the problem by behaving better, I feel too angry to reach out to her in the same way.

Either you're willing to deal with marital situations as being the joint responsibility of two people or you're headed for divorce. Likely our destination.

Sometimes it's on both sides like that. But sometimes there is one partner who is more hostile. If it's the man, it's important to recognize how a lack of safety can really make a woman's sex drive disappear out of self-protection. So I'd say a man who has engaged in any physically aggressive behavior needs to realize that. There was a lot my DH could do and we would still have sex. But when he started becoming aggressive that was the end.

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible he has ADHD?

Explosive temper outbursts are one of the symptoms
Impulse control - he becomes menacing even though he knows he shouldn't

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-in-adults.htm

I believe he does, but it's unlikely he'll recognize it. He also has OCD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP some parts of your story are very familiar to me.

I am still with my DH, and our child is now 5. Things became much calmer once I really disengaged from the relationship. We're basically roommates now ...

But, I'm really just delaying ripping off the bandaid. Even though things are not volatile, it's not a good life. We will have to split eventually. I do think there's some value in having put it off this long. I think we'll be able to do it in a calmer and less damaging way than before, and we're in a better financial position as well.

This is my situation as well. We are roommates who both share a common love for our two kids under the age of three. I fantasize about being separated but then again he is a very devoted and caring father who my children absolutely adore and I don’t want to be a singe mother. But when our children are no longer under our roof we will have nothing in common- just awkwardness...it’s so difficult because I don’t want to hurt my kids but what about my happiness. Is a separation the inevitable in our situation- I have no idea but I often tear up thinking about how it will hurt our children who are our world.

Surely you have opened the marriage so that your husband can pursue his normal sexual needs? Surely you are not abusing your husband by rejecting him sexually yet expecting him to be "faithful"? Once you reach the point of no longer liking your spouse enough to have sex, you should just immediately divorce the a-hole. But alot of women are perfectly fine living without sex, and want to just keep the husband around "for the kids" (which really means "for his income"). That's fine, you can certainly want a roommate. Just realize it's neither a marriage nor is he monogamous.

Anonymous wrote:OP some parts of your story are very familiar to me.

I am still with my DH, and our child is now 5. Things became much calmer once I really disengaged from the relationship. We're basically roommates now ...

But, I'm really just delaying ripping off the bandaid. Even though things are not volatile, it's not a good life. We will have to split eventually. I do think there's some value in having put it off this long. I think we'll be able to do it in a calmer and less damaging way than before, and we're in a better financial position as well.

This is my situation as well. We are roommates who both share a common love for our two kids under the age of three. I fantasize about being separated but then again he is a very devoted and caring father who my children absolutely adore and I don’t want to be a singe mother. But when our children are no longer under our roof we will have nothing in common- just awkwardness...it’s so difficult because I don’t want to hurt my kids but what about my happiness. Is a separation the inevitable in our situation- I have no idea but I often tear up thinking about how it will hurt our children who are our world.

Is it possible he has ADHD?

Explosive temper outbursts are one of the symptoms
Impulse control - he becomes menacing even though he knows he shouldn't

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-in-adults.htm

OP, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, both for your husband's terrible treatment of you and the mean responses you're getting here. What a difficult position to be in as a new mom. I grew up with a dad who sounds like your husband. I started out adoring him, but his anger and unpredictable outbursts had a major toll on my mental development. We don't have a close relationship now. My mom stayed with him, but we have never talked about it.

Do you have a local support network to help if you do decide to do the single mom thing?

Sending you hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you buy a new house if your marriage was "circling the drain"?

We bought it when I was (very) pregnant. Our previous home didn't have space for a third (or even the two of us, for that matter).

To the women who stayed and are emotionally disconnected: Do your husbands realize it? And if so, do they realize why? And do they understand the cause and effect of their behavior?

I'm not a woman but I'm a husband of a woman who has emotionally disconnected in that way. Yes, I realize it, it's hard to miss, between the no sex and constant low-level hostility and contempt. Yes, I understand there's a connection to my behavior, but I wonder if she understands there's also a connection to her behavior. And just like she's too angry to reach out to me to fix the problem by behaving better, I feel too angry to reach out to her in the same way.

Either you're willing to deal with marital situations as being the joint responsibility of two people or you're headed for divorce. Likely our destination.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

I did not miss that bit. Yes, I would expect some form of sex within a year's time if she expects to remain married. She has instead decided to abandon the marriage and should not be surprised with their divorce.

He's emotionally volatile and she doesn't feel close enough to him to have sex. She's not withholding sex just because. She can't bring herself to have sex with someone who is aggressive towards her. Pretty normal.

Gee wonder why she does not feel close? Just as you said, they are not husband/wife just roommates, the marriage is DADT.

He's having an affair