I don't understand why the business partner can't pay your husband a salary, yet can pay for all your husband's travel? Merchants require more then a smile. I also don't understand why it's all or nothing, why he can't do this part time and see if he likes it, if the business is viable, if he and his friend can work well together..., that sort of thing. Realize too that if a business fails, investors are screwed. It is not like a loan unless it is specifically structured as a loan. Given that this friend isn't good with numbers, he may have been dumb enough to structure these "investments" as loans, in which case you want to be absolutely certain, in writing, that you and your husband will not be stuck owing money by the time this is all done. Assumming sanity kicked in, and the investors truly did invest v. loan the business money, don't plan on seeing any actual cash if the business fails. I personally wouldn't be ok with this, and I'd say so. Your desires matter, though not for the business aspect of this discussion. If your husband wants to work for a startup, he needs to find one with better management, one who will pay him, and one who would accept him working that in adition to his day job if the salary is minimual.

OP, the day he married you, YOU become the number #1 priority in his life. When you and he have a child, that child and you become the #1 priority in his life. Whatever goal and ambition he has, they become secondary. His #1 goal in life is to support you and the child. He should NOT be thinking about himself, what make him happy. Those days are gone.

I make 400k/year as a software architect. I was offered to join a risky start-up and the return would be 100 times more than what I am making now. If I were single, yes, I would jump at the opportunity but I am married with a wife and 2 years old daughter, I can NOT take that risk. I have to think about the well being of my wife and child. I want to take risk but not the expense of my wife and child well being. My wife and child well being is at the top of the list, bar none.

Anonymous wrote:this won't end well. but the wife isn't the person to tell her husband that. maybe see if there's an auditor or someone whose opinion he trusts that can give a third-party viewpoint.

+1


There are quite a few red flags here. The biggest of them is that the founder is "not a numbers guy." That said OP, there are quite a few things you can re-work to make it possible for your DH to have a career that is more fulfilling for him.

this won't end well. but the wife isn't the person to tell her husband that. maybe see if there's an auditor or someone whose opinion he trusts that can give a third-party viewpoint.

Anonymous wrote:Happy husband happy life. Let your husband work towards his goal and he will turn around and let you work towards yours. I’d love to tell you be an equal team and focus on your needs too but in my experience men are self-centered and marriage works better this way.

Marriage works better when one spouse bankrupts the family?
Hmmmk

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts!

First, how long is planning to go without income? Is it one year? Two? Five? You need a hard end date here, and realize the longer it is the harder it will be to walk away from. It’s always going to be “so close” to profitability...


. I also suggest a hard no on investing your own savings into the business. There a reason why entrepreneurs tend to have horrible credit and it’s because they trully believe in their business and think it’s going to work. Most businesses fail and this one is no different. Please don’t be reassured because there are investors involved. Angel investors fund many businesses at a time with the expectations that 9 out of 10 will fail. They have the wealth to take those risks. Do you?

So, OP. This is what it comes down to. Is he willing to set some hard boundaries for this project?

Can he start with a leave of absence from his current job to test out the new gig? The business could go south very fast. What is his plan if that happens?

Happy husband happy life. Let your husband work towards his goal and he will turn around and let you work towards yours. I’d love to tell you be an equal team and focus on your needs too but in my experience men are self-centered and marriage works better this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

You are creating a straw man. That is not what I said. But procreating is, yes, one of the main objectives of life and therefore marriage. You sure watched a lot of disney growing up, huh?

Based on your rationale, all the ladies in TTC should just off themselves.

Yes, right, that is exactly what I said.

Anyway, I can't tell who I am responding to anymore because there are several people part of this conversation apparently. But my vitriol is directed at the woman (self-declared) who stated that OP should just be grateful for her one kid and let DH determine what comes next because he should be a priority in the marriage, since he is her one true love chosen above all others! Sorry, I don't agree. If she wants a 2nd kid and he knew/agreed to at least 2 kids going into the marriage, that should be a priority. However, there is no reason they can't figure out a way to both have another kid and have her DH get his dream, so they are very fortunate there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

You are creating a straw man. That is not what I said. But procreating is, yes, one of the main objectives of life and therefore marriage. You sure watched a lot of disney growing up, huh?

Based on your rationale, all the ladies in TTC should just off themselves.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you pay $40k for a nanny when your kid is in school? Can you use aftercare?

OP already explained that the nanny takes the child to school in the morning because she and her husband have to get to work early. We had our nanny from the time our babies were born and also still pay her a full-time salary even though she works less hours now because we like her and we trust her and she makes our lives easier. Stop questioning OP's choices with respect to child care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

You are creating a straw man. That is not what I said. But procreating is, yes, one of the main objectives of life and therefore marriage. You sure watched a lot of disney growing up, huh?

DP. It sounds like you did if you consider marriage and breeding the two main objectives of life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

It’s really sad for the woman and family if the #1 priority always has to be the husband. I didn’t realize we were living in the Middle Ages and women are only there to serve their husbands.

Yes, the husband could be resentful if she vetoed blowing their savings on a crazy dream. However, how angry would the wife be if he blows their savings on a pipe dream and she puts off having another child until it’s no longer possible? In these situations it’s important to think of the worst case scenarios and make a plan when you’re solid ground. Waiting to discuss until the situation happens is a bad idea.

Are you guys being this dense on purpose? The PP you are all responding to clearly said the MARRIAGE should be the first priority. Not being a subservient wife. Kids will grow up someday and leave the house. You’re still left with each other. Value the marriage and your compromises for each other within it because when it comes down to it, that came first.

I fundamentally don't agree with your world view, sorry. Being dense has nothing to do with it. You aren't married, are you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

You are creating a straw man. That is not what I said. But procreating is, yes, one of the main objectives of life and therefore marriage. You sure watched a lot of disney growing up, huh?

There are plenty of people on this earth whose main objective in life is not popping out kids, and many ways one can live a very fulfilling life that don’t include children. Stop being so ignorant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^the point is that, like most women, her husband, who is supposed to be the #1 priority, slips to like, third or fourth priority. Your marriage should be the utmost priority. Not a child-centered existence. What is going on here is a completely child-centered existence and an emphasis on material things. I feel bad for DH. He has an opportunity to fulfill his dream in what seems like pretty good and stable circumstances but OP’s desire for new cars and more square footage trumps everything.

Who on god's green earth said her husband is supposed to be her first priority? Most people get married to become partners in bringing children into the world. Some people make a different contract but it is explicit in the beginning (or should be). No one said she should start ignoring her husband and treating him like crap just because she has kids, but to imply that she should forgo kids for her husband's dreams is obscene.

That said, yes, OP, you take it too far. Ask your DH to come up with a strategy to make your lives work with his new plan without forging a 2nd kid. It can be done.

It is really sad if most people marry for a sperm donor.

You are creating a straw man. That is not what I said. But procreating is, yes, one of the main objectives of life and therefore marriage. You sure watched a lot of disney growing up, huh?

You people are nuts!

First, how long is planning to go without income? Is it one year? Two? Five? You need a hard end date here, and realize the longer it is the harder it will be to walk away from. It’s always going to be “so close” to profitability...


. I also suggest a hard no on investing your own savings into the business. There a reason why entrepreneurs tend to have horrible credit and it’s because they trully believe in their business and think it’s going to work. Most businesses fail and this one is no different. Please don’t be reassured because there are investors involved. Angel investors fund many businesses at a time with the expectations that 9 out of 10 will fail. They have the wealth to take those risks. Do you?