Anonymous wrote:Isn't it kind of sad to believe that the "love of your life," aka the guy that you're going to marry, is of the sort of character who wouldn't marry you if you guys lived together first, because he got "free milk?"

I mean, if the guy is like that, wouldn't you want to find out before you marry him? No?

Anonymous wrote:Well you'd never buy a car until you test drove it, would you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I wouldn't bother.
The real $hit hits the fan once you have kids, not living the high life in a 1BR or 2BR apartment both pulling in salaries, tiny expenses, eating out, vacations, etc.
The real $hit hits the fan once one of you goes through a death in the family or friend circle -- then you see if they can offer the emotional support you need.
The real $hit hits the fan once one of you loses a job or gets laid off - how do you or they handle that stress and do you work together to find a solution?
The real $hit hits the fan when you have to work together to solve a conflict or issue - like an illness, or a job search, or maybe the wedding, or an issue with a young child (health, school).

If anything I wish we had done non-church pre-marital counseling and vetting views in child-rearing, running a real household (i.e. two jobs, 2-3 kids, house, yard, elderly parents, vehicles), finances/spending.
More talking and thinking, not "living together". BFD, don't bother living together, that will eliminate the BS of dating for years and years and years cuz someone is non-committal or has different timing or priorities.

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

Anonymous wrote:I am not for it. I believe most women who live with a man before marriage are looking to get married. Men often are not on the same page. Also I feel as though women may not want to voice their likes/dislikes because they are afraid to argue less the man will not marry them, so they brush basic things under the rug like that really fun ex he still hangs out with as "friends." Basically the woman is not her full self because she's auditioning for the role of wife to a man who's going along for the ride. Sometimes they marry and sometimes they don't but those issues are still under the rug. Do they come out before or after the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.

+1

Yes agree with this. I wouldn’t move in until I was engaged. That gives plenty of time to try out living together before marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

I think living together without getting married for a woman is the worst of both worlds. You get all the duties of married life without its perks. And you get all the annoyances of single life without its joys.

Whether you can live together depends very much on your commitment, more so than on actual compatibility.

Anonymous wrote:Just curious as it came up in conversation the other day. My rather liberal mother is staunch on one rule in life - never live with someone until you are married. Her reasonings are that classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idiom and that it just makes things 10x more difficult if things go south.

I understand those points of views but think it's a good idea to live with each other before marriage because understanding whether you can live well together is a BIG part of having a successful marriage. I would perhaps open up her rule to "never live with someone until you're engaged (or soon to be engaged)." Or I would say that living together (in a rental situation) before marriage is fine, but you shouldn't buy property together yet.

What are your opinions?

Anonymous wrote:I’m also super liberal and agree 100% with your mom but not for that dumb ass reason. I’d go down a notch and say don’t live together until you’re ENGAGED. That way both parties are on the same page about the future of the relationship but if it turns out your partner is actually a nightmare to live with and you want out, it’s logistically easier than getting a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's risky because I've seen it lead to a lot of relationships that lasted well past their expiration date. Living with someone creates a ton of inertia, because breaking up isn't just an emotional drain, it's a logistical pain. You can't just stop seeing someone--you have to find a new place and pack up your stuff and move out. You might both be on a lease. You have to divide up your stuff. You have a pet together. Your whole daily routine will change. So people stay together when they should break up--I've even seen people get married out of inertia when literally everyone else knew it was a terrible idea, because it was just easier than breaking up.

I also think you both really need to be on the same page about the future. If one of you thinks that moving in together means you're on the road to marriage and the other doesn't, there are problems. A relationship can stagnate, and the one who's happy with things the way they are has no reason to change, and the one who isn't has a lot more to lose.

Moving in together to save money on rent or something is a bad idea.

FWIW, I lived with my now-husband for just under six months before we got engaged. We had talked about and were on the same page wrt how serious the relationship was and how we felt about marriage.