Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two months into counseling after revelation of his 6-month affair with his longtime female friend. He says he was happy in our marriage and just made a stupid mistake by crossing a boundary, but it led to an addiction to this emotional/sexual fantasy. He says he loves me and wants to keep our family (two elementary aged kids) together, but he also still has feelings for this other woman. I have been super human patient throughout the process and can see a bright future for us (a wonderful second marriage to each other) but I'm not sure if he has the strength to pull his weight and man up. I call it a midlife crisis affair. He's in individual counseling as well, but doesn't sound like he's putting forth enough effort to get what he needs. He is "conflicted" and mopey and while he's making some efforts to improve our marriage, I worry that he will never fully get over his feelings for her. He recently cut off communication with her (for a second time in two months, after relapsing) but I'm not seeing him take charge of his own healing. I worry he will try to have his cake and eat it too -- being happy with me but secretly keeping in contact with her. I've spoken to a lawyer but really just need to sit down with DH to work out the details of a separation, just in case we need it later. However, he manages our (rather complicated) finances, so I also worry he is capable of hiding money. Trusting him is hard after all the deception and betrayal. The other woman is married with a large family and lives in another state. I think she wants a future with him, but to his credit, he thinks a future with her is way too poisonous and complicated. My worst nightmare would be to have the other woman as stepmom to my kids, and have to face her for the rest of my life, and watch my children be traumatized by that trainwreck.

If he relapses again (contacts or makes plans to visit her) I will kick him out of the house. Day to day it is hard for me to be happy and not worry, because I cannot control what he does or what he feels. I can love, support, and influence him, but I feel like a prisoner to his midlife crisis. Can anybody relate to my situation? I want his best self to emerge, but cannot prevent his demons from popping up or taking over the wonderful man I love.

Keep marriage together and trust him, making myself vulnerable to future pain?

Cut him loose and know that he will self-destruct, reach out to this other woman, and precipitate the breakdown of two beautiful families? But then I could be on my own and find a wonderful man who gives me the commitment I deserve.

Advice please. I need to give it several more months, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ +1 doesn’t sound like your questioning whether YOU want to be with him, in light of who he’s revealed himself to be - somebody you can’t trust. Do you really want to be married to a man who you worry might hide money from you? And who, with the awareness of your pain, felt entitled to reach out to this woman again? You don’t seem to be questioning his character, and looking at his behavior both during and after the affair, the idea of a “wonderful second marriage” seems out of touch with your actual reality.

Aargh, you’re, not your

Aargh, your seems to be the correct word.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ +1 doesn’t sound like your questioning whether YOU want to be with him, in light of who he’s revealed himself to be - somebody you can’t trust. Do you really want to be married to a man who you worry might hide money from you? And who, with the awareness of your pain, felt entitled to reach out to this woman again? You don’t seem to be questioning his character, and looking at his behavior both during and after the affair, the idea of a “wonderful second marriage” seems out of touch with your actual reality.

Aargh, you’re, not your

Anonymous wrote:^^ +1 doesn’t sound like your questioning whether YOU want to be with him, in light of who he’s revealed himself to be - somebody you can’t trust. Do you really want to be married to a man who you worry might hide money from you? And who, with the awareness of your pain, felt entitled to reach out to this woman again? You don’t seem to be questioning his character, and looking at his behavior both during and after the affair, the idea of a “wonderful second marriage” seems out of touch with your actual reality.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two months into counseling after revelation of his 6-month affair with his longtime female friend. He says he was happy in our marriage and just made a stupid mistake by crossing a boundary, but it led to an addiction to this emotional/sexual fantasy. He says he loves me and wants to keep our family (two elementary aged kids) together, but he also still has feelings for this other woman. I have been super human patient throughout the process and can see a bright future for us (a wonderful second marriage to each other) but I'm not sure if he has the strength to pull his weight and man up. I call it a midlife crisis affair. He's in individual counseling as well, but doesn't sound like he's putting forth enough effort to get what he needs. He is "conflicted" and mopey and while he's making some efforts to improve our marriage, I worry that he will never fully get over his feelings for her. He recently cut off communication with her (for a second time in two months, after relapsing) but I'm not seeing him take charge of his own healing. I worry he will try to have his cake and eat it too -- being happy with me but secretly keeping in contact with her. I've spoken to a lawyer but really just need to sit down with DH to work out the details of a separation, just in case we need it later. However, he manages our (rather complicated) finances, so I also worry he is capable of hiding money. Trusting him is hard after all the deception and betrayal. The other woman is married with a large family and lives in another state. I think she wants a future with him, but to his credit, he thinks a future with her is way too poisonous and complicated. My worst nightmare would be to have the other woman as stepmom to my kids, and have to face her for the rest of my life, and watch my children be traumatized by that trainwreck.

If he relapses again (contacts or makes plans to visit her) I will kick him out of the house. Day to day it is hard for me to be happy and not worry, because I cannot control what he does or what he feels. I can love, support, and influence him, but I feel like a prisoner to his midlife crisis. Can anybody relate to my situation? I want his best self to emerge, but cannot prevent his demons from popping up or taking over the wonderful man I love.

Keep marriage together and trust him, making myself vulnerable to future pain?

Cut him loose and know that he will self-destruct, reach out to this other woman, and precipitate the breakdown of two beautiful families? But then I could be on my own and find a wonderful man who gives me the commitment I deserve.

Advice please. I need to give it several more months, right?

Anonymous wrote:Agree with a PP that "addiction" and "relapsing" are not appropriate here. He has feelings for someone else besides you (which can be human) BUT he has acted on it even after promising not to.

Between that and him being mopey and not fully committed in his own therapy and efforts, I'm concerned.

Get everything in order to leave and see what happens. You sound pretty practical but possibly too forgiving and unrealistic.

Anonymous wrote:40y/o male here. Don't justify his behavior as a midlife crisis. He's an asshole that was being selfish and didn't give a shit about his family.