Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 19:27     Subject: I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:Only been separated a month, see each other a few times a week at exchanges for the kids. I text her wanting to talk about the marriage and be a better husband, but she doesn't think I can change. No abuse, no cheating, no major financial issues. She just doesn't trust that any changes I may make will be permanent. I admittedly have some trust issues after some bad things as a kid, but I've mostly put them behind me.

I miss her. I miss talking to her, holding hands, doing things as a family. The new normal sucks. I ask her about her day and she gets mad thinking I'm snooping into what she's doing.

I let her down by getting anxious over marital issues. Instead of focusing on myself, I projected onto her thinking she was seeing someone. It made things worse. She won't forgive me. It was wholly unattractive, and I realized my issue too late.

I'm hoping maybe some time away and space will cause her to reevaluate, but I'm not sure. I still love her immensely and I loved our family. How do I gain her trust again? How do I show her I can be supportive of her? I'm willing to do just about anything for her and the kids. I'm lost now.


To me this smells like it was written by a woman.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 18:33     Subject: Re:I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I never questioned her fidelity before. She said she was unhappy and became friends with a male coworker around the same time. I thought she was having an affair. I became anxious and began questioning her every time she checked her phone. She wouldn't/couldn't reassure me that there was nothing going on and at the same time she asked me for a separation. The anxiety continued and pushed her away further, and here I am now, missing the life we used to have and my children.

I have my flaws, I'm not perfect. But I'm loyal, moderately successful, and a great father to our children. I just want to work on myself and be the best husband and father I can be.


Op, she may or may not have been having an affair. If so, it may not have been with this co-worker. If she was unhappy, it sounds like she needed a friend.

Regardless I suspect you’ve had ongoing anxiety issues that finally became too much for her. You need to be in counseling and possibly be on medication. Be a good father but you may need to accept that your life won’t return to what it was. You’re feeling a little sorry for yourself and that’s understandable. Separations and transitions are hard.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 18:21     Subject: Re:I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance she might have been unhappy and this was just a good reason to leave?

Because if you're solid, you should be able to work through this, or at least go to counseling together.

He's not solid. He has trust issues and anxiety and has accused her of cheating. If you've ever been in a relationship with someone like that it can make you get unhappy real quick, particularly if you are a trustworthy person.


NP. I don't even think this is the worst thing. The worst thing IMO is that he "went snooping on her". That is a major violation of trust. I can't imagine wanting to stay with someone who would betray me like that. Especially with no grounds whatsoever. I don't think I could ever trust him again.



You sound like a cheater too.


What? No, not even close. You sound like a nutcase.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 18:15     Subject: Re:I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I never questioned her fidelity before. She said she was unhappy and became friends with a male coworker around the same time. I thought she was having an affair. I became anxious and began questioning her every time she checked her phone. She wouldn't/couldn't reassure me that there was nothing going on and at the same time she asked me for a separation. The anxiety continued and pushed her away further, and here I am now, missing the life we used to have and my children.

I have my flaws, I'm not perfect. But I'm loyal, moderately successful, and a great father to our children. I just want to work on myself and be the best husband and father I can be.


What happened was she started to feel some malaise in the relationship. She met a nice co worker who made her feel alive again. She either became emotionally or physically involved with him. She started treating you differently than before. This naturally excited your suspicions but you couldn’t put your finger on it. So you sought confirmation one way or the other. Then she doubled down and blamed you for not trusting you.

What she did to you made you question your natural instincts. It altered your perception of reality. No matter what you do I guarantee you she is gone.

For your own piece of mind, because it’s uselss in court, you might hire a lawyer who will engage a PI to see if she is still seeing the co worker. Some say this will give you the satisfaction you need to move on.

Whatever you do continue to trust your instincts. Try your best to create a great life for yourself. Best of luck.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 17:08     Subject: Re:I miss my wife.
OP here. I never questioned her fidelity before. She said she was unhappy and became friends with a male coworker around the same time. I thought she was having an affair. I became anxious and began questioning her every time she checked her phone. She wouldn't/couldn't reassure me that there was nothing going on and at the same time she asked me for a separation. The anxiety continued and pushed her away further, and here I am now, missing the life we used to have and my children.

I have my flaws, I'm not perfect. But I'm loyal, moderately successful, and a great father to our children. I just want to work on myself and be the best husband and father I can be.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:43     Subject: I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op she is cheating on you.


Female poster here. I have to agree with this, if OP is being truthful about how things went down.

You do not walk away from a good marriage because your spouse snooped on you. You take him to counselling and try to work things out, give it several other goes.

Now, we have not heard the other side of the story, so it is hard to say.


(I posted earlier that she was gaslighting him.)

I believe he must be truthful in how this went down, because of the following factors: he made it seem like it was a specific situation for which he felt jealous. He made no indication of a pattern. He seemed pretty clear that it was one event or a short series of events.

I also think that fact that he is all hand-wringing over his failure by feeling jealous and snooping - this to me indicates that she really gave it to him for this one time (or short period) of jealousy/anxiety on his part. this is the part that seems like she successfully gaslighted him.

If he were some kind of controlling jealous guy, he generally wouldn't be all navel-gazing and wringing his hands. These symptoms seem induced by a serious gaslighting attack by the cheating wife. Just enough to hide her indiscretions and shift the blame to the OP. So she is now in the clear.

This is how this stuff goes down. This is NOT how things turn out when you just have an emotionally abusive husband who it jealous and controlling - those guys don't go out and pine away in an apartment.


Wrong. Plenty of jealous, controlling, angry and/or abusive men waffle between abuse and navel-gazing, grovelling train wrecks. It's actually a well-known dichotomy of these losers - huge cavern of missing self-esteem, occasionally they make up for it with rage and/or over control.

Not every abuser/controller fits this profile, but a good many do.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:38     Subject: I miss my wife.
I haven't read all the posts. But I think you should write her a letter expressing all of this, but add that if she wants space you understand and will respect that. But make it clear you want her back and are willing to go to therapy to work on the jealousy issues etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:36     Subject: I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Only been separated a month, see each other a few times a week at exchanges for the kids. I text her wanting to talk about the marriage and be a better husband, but she doesn't think I can change. No abuse, no cheating, no major financial issues. She just doesn't trust that any changes I may make will be permanent. I admittedly have some trust issues after some bad things as a kid, but I've mostly put them behind me.

I miss her. I miss talking to her, holding hands, doing things as a family. The new normal sucks. I ask her about her day and she gets mad thinking I'm snooping into what she's doing.

I let her down by getting anxious over marital issues. Instead of focusing on myself, I projected onto her thinking she was seeing someone. It made things worse. She won't forgive me. It was wholly unattractive, and I realized my issue too late.

I'm hoping maybe some time away and space will cause her to reevaluate, but I'm not sure. I still love her immensely and I loved our family. How do I gain her trust again? How do I show her I can be supportive of her? I'm willing to do just about anything for her and the kids. I'm lost now.


OP, I think this post is so beautiful. Hitting lows in our life and marriages are never easy. It sounds like the love between the two of you is real.

Give her space. Be consistent in your actions with her. Show her your commitment to your new lifestyle by simply living it. Try not to "win her back" with any type of gesture. My mother HATED when my father continued to send flowers on Mother's Day/Anniversary/Birthday but as I child I thought it was a sweet gesture, DONT DO THAT.

Be available for when she comes around. You'll know when that moment is, you know her. In my experience, all I wanted from my husband at times was to prop me back up whenever I fall over, and let me know how important I am to him. When he refused, emotionally I withdrew and voluntarily gave up. I don't know how we got back on track but it wasn't with anything extreme, just trying to be better versions of our selves.

She may be happier without you right now, but I promise that feeling won't be around forever, Stay consistent and she'll seek you out when she's in a moment of need. That's when you'll get your chance to win her back.


Or, she moved on, was cheating, and if she has a moment of need she will reach for a friend, her mother, or another man. Sometimes when it's over it's over. BTDT.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:35     Subject: I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:But did he every ask her about her day while they were married? lot of damage to unpack here OP. Don't be naive.


Exactly. Was he all snoopy and anxious before she gave him a reason to be? Gift of fear/gut instinct is very powerful.

I wish OP would come back and clear this up.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:32     Subject: I miss my wife.
I don't know. I ignored and ignored my instinct until a dear friend came with his concerns (the OW was an acquaintance so at the same parties). I then confronted him and he denied it so well.("i would never do that and she would never do that.") I did apologize and beg, and years later, DH admitted that he had been cheating. I stayed with him, since it was long over and felt grateful he was honest. And then years later, I realized that his sudden honesty was another way of hurting me.

I say that this is not a good situation no matter what.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:29     Subject: I miss my wife.
But did he every ask her about her day while they were married? lot of damage to unpack here OP. Don't be naive.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:25     Subject: I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:Only been separated a month, see each other a few times a week at exchanges for the kids. I text her wanting to talk about the marriage and be a better husband, but she doesn't think I can change. No abuse, no cheating, no major financial issues. She just doesn't trust that any changes I may make will be permanent. I admittedly have some trust issues after some bad things as a kid, but I've mostly put them behind me.

I miss her. I miss talking to her, holding hands, doing things as a family. The new normal sucks. I ask her about her day and she gets mad thinking I'm snooping into what she's doing.

I let her down by getting anxious over marital issues. Instead of focusing on myself, I projected onto her thinking she was seeing someone. It made things worse. She won't forgive me. It was wholly unattractive, and I realized my issue too late.

I'm hoping maybe some time away and space will cause her to reevaluate, but I'm not sure. I still love her immensely and I loved our family. How do I gain her trust again? How do I show her I can be supportive of her? I'm willing to do just about anything for her and the kids. I'm lost now.


OP, I think this post is so beautiful. Hitting lows in our life and marriages are never easy. It sounds like the love between the two of you is real.

Give her space. Be consistent in your actions with her. Show her your commitment to your new lifestyle by simply living it. Try not to "win her back" with any type of gesture. My mother HATED when my father continued to send flowers on Mother's Day/Anniversary/Birthday but as I child I thought it was a sweet gesture, DONT DO THAT.

Be available for when she comes around. You'll know when that moment is, you know her. In my experience, all I wanted from my husband at times was to prop me back up whenever I fall over, and let me know how important I am to him. When he refused, emotionally I withdrew and voluntarily gave up. I don't know how we got back on track but it wasn't with anything extreme, just trying to be better versions of our selves.

She may be happier without you right now, but I promise that feeling won't be around forever, Stay consistent and she'll seek you out when she's in a moment of need. That's when you'll get your chance to win her back.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:24     Subject: I miss my wife.
Have you tried literal hands-and-knees begging her to reconsider. Tell you were wrong and you are terribly sorry and you are going to individual therapy for it? What if you moved back in, but into a different bedroom and tried "dating" each other for 6 months?

In the absence of the three A's (abuse, adultery, addiction) my inclination is to fight tooth and nail for the marriage.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 12:08     Subject: I miss my wife.
Anonymous wrote:Well, I would love to hear back from OP whether he in fact was a jealous and controlling guy or whether this was a short period of anxiety/jealousy to which she over-reacted and made him into a monster.

We want to know OP!

My money is on he is being cheated on.


And I’d wager the opposite. The way he talks about how his wife doesn’t trust that he’s really changed implies to me that he’s promised to change before and failed to follow through. I doubt she left and totally gave up on their otherwise solid marriage over one little tiff.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2018 11:45     Subject: I miss my wife.
Well, I would love to hear back from OP whether he in fact was a jealous and controlling guy or whether this was a short period of anxiety/jealousy to which she over-reacted and made him into a monster.

We want to know OP!

My money is on he is being cheated on.