Anonymous
02/15/2018 12:56
Subject: 18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Have her binge watch Felicity.
yes!
Anonymous
02/15/2018 12:54
Subject: Re:18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Hi all -- OP here. Thanks for the useful input; you've given us some helpful food for thought.
To clarify one thing: we did not specifically suggest to her that she attend a small religious college. But we did know that she wouldn't love a super-liberal school, probably wouldn't love a giant state school, probably would be more likely to enjoy a smaller school where there was at least some presence of more conservative and/or more religious students. (We really hoped she might consider schools like Davidson, for instance, and we suggested several like that, but at the time she thought those were too far from home.)
She is really bright, a good student, and she's been underwhelmed with the academics where she is currently (we anticipated that might happen, too), so it's possible that this other school might actually be better -- yes, there is more data to gather. Again, we just learned about her desire to transfer last night so we haven't had a chance to research it, and she certainly hasn't (which, honestly, I think needs to be HER job first, not ours).
Anyway -- thanks again. Your perspectives and ideas are helpful as we plan for the next conversation. We want what's best for her and for her to be happy; hopefully the path she chooses will mean that those turn out to be one and the same.
Yikes! "Small religious" is not going to fix "underwhelmed by academics". Please emphasize that she has to research all schools again like she did as she applied the first time. Top priorities for "fit" should be something that feeds her academic/intellectual needs and provides good career opportunities.
Anonymous
02/15/2018 12:50
Subject: 18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?
I would sit down with DD and explain how transferring to BF's school isn't wise or healthy. She has a right and obligation to go to a school which is a good academic and social fit for her. Acknowledge that she might not have found her fit at her current school, but ask her to double down and explore other parts of school --sports, activities, classes, etc., not just roommates.
If it were me, I would tell DD that I acknowledged that she might not like her current school, and that I was willing to discuss her desire to transfer to another school if she still felt the same way at the end of freshman year, as long as it is not BF's school, because that is solving a problem (bad school fit, not feeling like she has friends) in an unhealthy way (unhealthy way for her and for BF). I would also make it clear that my decision didn't have anything to do with whether I liked her relationship choice or not, but it was about what I thought was best for her life development. I would make it clear that I would not pay for tuition at BF's school, but that I couldn't stop her if she chose to transfer and found a way to pay for it on her own.
If it were me, I would tell DD that I acknowledged that she might not like her current school, and that I was willing to discuss her desire to transfer to another school if she still felt the same way at the end of freshman year, as long as it is not BF's school, because that is solving a problem (bad school fit, not feeling like she has friends) in an unhealthy way (unhealthy way for her and for BF). I would also make it clear that my decision didn't have anything to do with whether I liked her relationship choice or not, but it was about what I thought was best for her life development. I would make it clear that I would not pay for tuition at BF's school, but that I couldn't stop her if she chose to transfer and found a way to pay for it on her own.
Anonymous
02/15/2018 11:06
Subject: Re:18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?
I said posted this: She makes her own decisions - - within the realm of what you are able to provide financially. She is an adult. But I'm going to amend this if the college is Liberty. Op, unless you say the college, I can only think the worst
Anonymous
02/15/2018 10:59
Subject: 18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:You wanted her to go away and to a college that is more of a cultural fit. This appears to be that. Let her make the decision.
I tend to agree. And, it's not unreasonable to want to go to a school / new environment where you know someone (even if it is a boyfirend). But, i would discuss:
1) how she presented it to you; if you are paying then yes, she doesn't get to unilaterally decide and she was rude;
2) Discuss any changes in finances and how that would happen.
The breakup scenario is present in any college situation where kids group themselves together (think, fraternity/sororities, other groups). And lots of people get married at 22 and it worked out fine. That is not ideal from my POV but not the end of the world either.
Anonymous
02/15/2018 10:55
Subject: 18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?
I'd encourage her to look at other colleges that might be near the BF's college and consider them, as well. She gets to be closer to him, but not totally dependent on him socially in the same way.
Anonymous
02/15/2018 10:07
Subject: 18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. How good a relationship do any of you have with her in terms of being able to have honest conversations? At the heart of this is making a decision that is the right thing for her and not have the boyfriend be the motivating reason. Tough to get an 18 year to admit or realize. Make sure she understands that you will support her but she needs to be honest about her reasons. That you want the best thing for her.
Ask her how she sees college playing out if things don't work out with the boyfriend. A small school seems even smaller with an ex on campus. If you are going to pay for college, you will need to be a part of the decision, and she should be looking at a broader range to transfer to - not just the one her boyfriend is at, to make sure she understands her reasons.
Good luck.
Stepmom should not have this conversation with her, it should be her Dad.