How old are you?

My mom's sister has these same problems and has refused help for more than 30 years. Her husband has stuck it out this whole time (miserably, I might add), and now has nothing to show for it besides a dead-end job and a wife who is constantly berating him and spending money that they do not have because of her mental illness. He cannot get ahead because she has continually dragged him down into her depression, and he was trying to be the good guy and live up to his marriage vows. Just thinking about their wasted life seems so sad to me. You only live once. Don't? sacrifice your happiness for anyone else.

I would cut bait. Sorry. You have to look fw and get out of this terrible dark tunnel.

Very rarely does therapy work for these types. They have had issues since a child, covered them up, get very defensive and may be smart so will twist around any therapist. They also love to play the victim.

not healthy. not sustainable. not worth another 1-4 years and $$$ of therapy. he needs meds and counseling, but is unlikely to be open-minded enough to have effective treatment.

Maybe 5 years after the divorce he will realize his shortcomings.

Anonymous wrote:I’m you, only now it’s been 15 years and 2 kids. Leave now.

+1. And really, he has to be bought into the therapy or its worthless. Same with medication -- he has to be honest with the doctor about whether it's helping, or they'll never find the right medication and dosage.

Anonymous wrote:No kids? Walk away.
He's using you as a crutch and he will never, ever get better when he has you to rely on. You will both be better off on your own.

I say this as a 20 year married woman who believes in fighting for a marriage. But I know a few friends who married guys like your husband and are now divorcing afte 15 years and a few kids and a few mental breakdowns/bankrupcies, etc. It has taken the divorce to make the guy finally start working on their problems and mental health. So very sad. Don't end up like this

I also know 1 married couple where the guy was a wreck- gambler, some mental health issues. Wife divorced him. He cleaned up his act over a couple years. They remarried and have been married now for 30 years.
Your husband will only get better on his own.

No kids? Walk away.
He's using you as a crutch and he will never, ever get better when he has you to rely on. You will both be better off on your own.

I say this as a 20 year married woman who believes in fighting for a marriage. But I know a few friends who married guys like your husband and are now divorcing afte 15 years and a few kids and a few mental breakdowns/bankrupcies, etc. It has taken the divorce to make the guy finally start working on their problems and mental health. So very sad. Don't end up like this

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

NP here. If you don't have children, I would leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

Yes, what would you do if your child was like him? Walk away?

Vows, you made them.

As the mother of 2 kids with ADHD/anxiety (and will likely develop depression given the research and statistics on this), I can tell you what I did. I took my kid to doctors/therapists, got them on medication, make sure they eat healthy, get sufficient exercise and have excellent sleep hygiene. The difference is amazing, total game changers.

Unfortunately, I couldn't make my XDH do any of those things because he is an adult. These 'vows' you speak of don't apply when your spouse's behavior endangers you. Or, do you encourage spouses to stay in marriages where they are being abused?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

No I think you should leave. It’s ultimatum time. He must commit to at least three months of therapy and meds and the you decide. Definitely you can’t have kids with him if he won’t even help himself.

Three months is not a long enough separation time or enough time to ensure any stability or long term wellness. It HAS to be at least ONE YEAR.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

No I think you should leave. It’s ultimatum time. He must commit to at least three months of therapy and meds and the you decide. Definitely you can’t have kids with him if he won’t even help himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

Yes, what would you do if your child was like him? Walk away?

Vows, you made them.

Becoming a mother figure for your husband is the surest way to kill any romantic love in your marriage. But if that works for you, go for it t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

No way OP.
Absolutely not.
You need to separate and inform him that treating his illness IS THE DEAL-BREAKER. Leave and do not take him back after a short term. He needs to MAINTAIN WELLNESS in the longterm before you can hope to continue a marriage with him. So far, he has learned that he make promises that lure you back each time. Im sensing that depression is not the only culprit here, but maybe some bipolar or personality disorder thrown in (narcissism??)

Take care of you OP, and do not have kids at this point. BTW: mental illnesses are inherited.

Agree. Do not have kids with this man!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the sickness and health part.

+1 It is.

Not really. He's breaking the vows first by not doing what he can to take care of himself.

Ugh, I had this same constant feeling as I realized I just could not and would not live with my adhd husband, who wouldn’t treat himself. He had this Take Me As I Am moment and I just couldn’t do it for my own health and kids. It was like constantly waiting for setbacks and big accidents. Living in fear. Not trusting him to ever come through, and he didn’t. Not having a Life Partner whatsoever. And all the stress, anger and resentment.
He played the victim and guilt card, as he always did when he messed up big or small things.

Divorce is hell but you come out of it. I got full custody as he proved himself unfit due to his issues and addition to work. Doing 50/50 custody with someone like that would never have worked, too stressful, too much work for me.

Remember, marriage is a contract. Both sides have to uphold their end of the bargain. If they don't, then that contract has every right to be made null and void, ie divorce!

It may not sound romantic, but that is the truth.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

I'm not as sympathetic as the rest of these posters. This is real life, not some fairy tale. I think you should separate for a year, give him a chance to resolve his issues. If there's no improvement after a year, divorce him.

He does not have the right to use his mental illness as an excuse to make you stay in an unsatisfying marriage where he is not doing his part to be a good healthy partner. If you want a family and a partner that has mental stability, then you need to cut your losses and move on if he's unable to be what you both agreed to when you got married.