Anonymous
Post 01/17/2018 07:06     Subject: Re:What to do about being the default person in the family?
You sound like you want drama. Why are millennial women so damn dumb ? You're grown. Figure it out.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2018 07:00     Subject: What to do about being the default person in the family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please respond OP. We are wondering how you are feeling BLAMED? In any case, instruct DH to change his wording. Instead of "I need to check with Jill"....."I need to check the calendar."

This is OP. My DH always defends me, but they will tell him that I should do whatever I want with my time when he’s gone, and he should be able to choose what he wants with his time (ie, he should be seeing them) And yes, occasionally I get together with DH family when he’s away for work. It’s a really strange dynamic.


With this reasoning, tell your DH to go see his parents either alone or take he kids with him. Do you HAVE to go too? How far away do the in laws live?
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2018 21:34     Subject: What to do about being the default person in the family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Travel doesn't mean he can't be the one to coordinate with his family. With cell phones, email, and text, there's no reason they can't always have him as their primary point of contact. Stop being the default person for them.

How stupid is this.

ILs: Can we have dinner this week?
Bob: I’m out of town, let me ask Jill.

B: Jill, want to do dinner this week with Mom and Dad?
Jill: Sure/No.

B: Hey Mom, Jill says ok. What time so I can tell her?

So on and so forth.



It could be simpler than that--just "let me check in with Jill and get back to you."

Doesn't Jill have to check in with Bob if the ILs ask her?

And Bob should never say "Jill says ok/no" but rather "that's not going to work, how about ___?"

No, because Bob is often out of town and Jill apparently arranges to see the in-laws when Bob is not there. Why would Bob be the one making family plans when he isn't going to be there?


It's funny the idea of getting together with my ILs when DH is out of town is so unimaginable to me that it didn't even occur to me that this is what was going on. OP, since you regularly get together with ILs without DH there, I think it is hard to avoid being the default.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2018 21:26     Subject: Re:What to do about being the default person in the family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Fact is, the wife is always the scapegoat when it comes to the husband's side of the family and vice versa. That's just how it is most of the time.


I nipped that dynamic in the bud with my husband and ILs. I called it out for what it was, and said I wouldn't participate in that unfair dynamic. He manages all planning and logistics with them, period. If they try to make plans with me, I immediately pass on the phone or forward the e-mail/text, letting them know that I have forwarded the e-mail/text, saying that their son will get back to them.


Just do this OP. I have the big job in the family with more travel yet still manage my side of the family. My husband does this for his. I am sure your DH can pick up his side if the family. They’ll learn.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2018 20:13     Subject: What to do about being the default person in the family?
Wanting to see you every weekend seems a bit much, especially with DH’s travel. I think he needs to say something to them, that sometimes he needs the down time with his wife and kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2018 20:11     Subject: What to do about being the default person in the family?
Wanting to see you every weekend seems a bit much, especially with DH’s travel. I think he needs to say something to them, that sometimes he needs the down time with his wife and kids.